Brain: Wake up! It’s morning! Time to arise!
Body: I hate you. And I’m sleeping. Go away.
Brain: No can do, Sludge Boy. Time to get up!
Body: No, it’s not time to get up. It’s time for you to muffle yourself.
Brain: You know I’ll win this. You know it’s time for you to get up.
Body: No! It’s only 5 a.m.!
Brain: Hmm. That’s funny. Because the clock says 6 a.m, Lumpy. Get up!
Body: Why?! Why?! Why would the clock say 5 a.m. when it’s only 6 a.m.??
Brain: Must we do this every time? I swear, you’ve got the retentive powers of a turnip. It’s Daylight Savings Time, you wad.
Body: Lemme see if I care. Hmm. Seems I don’t. G’night.
Brain: Not caring is not an option. You have to care. The world cares!
Body: The world is your concern. My concern is sleeping. Is there any chance you’re going to shut up and let that happen?
Brain: All right. You know what? Fine. That’s just fine. Our life has never meant anywhere near as much to you as it does to me anyway.
Body: Stop it. I will not go through this with you. I’m trying to sleep!
Brain: Who’s stopping you? Not I. Go ahead. Sleep. Sleep till you’re dead. Why not? You’ve never cared about us anyway. All you ever want to do is lie on the couch, watch “The Family Guy,” and eat ginger cookies from Trader Joe’s.
Body: Mmmmmm … ginger cookies from Trader Joe’s ….. Well, g’night. Be sure to shut-up now.
Brain: Fine. I’ll shut up. Because I give up.
Body: That’s the spirit. G’night!
Brain: All the world understands and enjoys Daylight Savings Time—but not you! You’ve always got to be different, don’t you? Can’t do anything the way everybody else does, can you? If you say it’s only 5 a.m., it must be only 5 a.m. Everybody else must be wrong!
Body: Exactly. G’night.
Brain: Don’t worry about me. I’ll just lie here and think about all the things I had hoped we’d get done today.
Body: Perfect. G’night.
Brain: G’night. [long pause] Fifty. Fifty years old, and we’ve done so little.
Body: So you’re not going to shut-up, then.
Brain: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? I didn’t mean to let my awareness of the total futility of our life disturb your precious slumber.
Body: Okay, fine. Fine! You win! I’m up! Are you happy? I’m up! Now what’s all this stuff you wanted us to get done today, Mr. Achiever?
Brain: Well, let’s not rush into anything. Moderation in all things, as the Greek philosophers had it.
Body: Okay, fine. You’re the boss. What are we gonna do first?
Brain: Well, I think, just to start the day off right, we should have a cup of coffee, a few cookies, and watch just one—maybe two—episodes of “The Family Guy.”
(Tomorrow I’ll post the next piece in my series about women in bad relationships.)