My Body and My Brain: At It Once Again

fight

Brain: Wake up! It’s morning! Time to arise!

Body: I hate you. And I’m sleeping. Go away.

Brain: No can do, Sludge Boy. Time to get up!

Body: No, it’s not time to get up. It’s time for you to muffle yourself.

Brain: You know I’ll win this. You know it’s time for you to get up.

Body: No! It’s only 5 a.m.!

Brain: Hmm. That’s funny. Because the clock says 6 a.m, Lumpy. Get up!

Body: Why?! Why?! Why would the clock say 5 a.m. when it’s only 6 a.m.??

Brain: Must we do this every time? I swear, you’ve got the retentive powers of a turnip. It’s Daylight Savings Time, you wad.

Body: Lemme see if I care. Hmm. Seems I don’t. G’night.

Brain: Not caring is not an option. You have to care. The world cares!

Body: The world is your concern. My concern is sleeping. Is there any chance you’re going to shut up and let that happen?

Brain: All right. You know what? Fine. That’s just fine. Our life has never meant anywhere near as much to you as it does to me anyway.

Body: Stop it. I will not go through this with you. I’m trying to sleep!

Brain: Who’s stopping you? Not I. Go ahead. Sleep. Sleep till you’re dead. Why not? You’ve never cared about us anyway. All you ever want to do is lie on the couch, watch “The Family Guy,” and eat ginger cookies from Trader Joe’s.

Body: Mmmmmm … ginger cookies from Trader Joe’s ….. Well, g’night. Be sure to shut-up now.

Brain: Fine. I’ll shut up. Because I give up.

Body: That’s the spirit. G’night!

Brain: All the world understands and enjoys Daylight Savings Time—but not you! You’ve always got to be different, don’t you? Can’t do anything the way everybody else does, can you? If you say it’s only 5 a.m., it must be only 5 a.m. Everybody else must be wrong!

Body: Exactly. G’night.

Brain: Don’t worry about me. I’ll just lie here and think about all the things I had hoped we’d get done today.

Body: Perfect. G’night.

Brain: G’night. [long pause] Fifty. Fifty years old, and we’ve done so little.

Body: So you’re not going to shut-up, then.

Brain: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? I didn’t mean to let my awareness of the total futility of our life disturb your precious slumber.

Body: Okay, fine. Fine! You win! I’m up! Are you happy? I’m up! Now what’s all this stuff you wanted us to get done today, Mr. Achiever?

Brain: Well, let’s not rush into anything. Moderation in all things, as the Greek philosophers had it.

Body: Okay, fine. You’re the boss. What are we gonna do first?

Brain: Well, I think, just to start the day off right, we should have a cup of coffee, a few cookies, and watch just one—maybe two—episodes of “The Family Guy.”

(Tomorrow I’ll post the next piece in my series about women in bad relationships.)

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Don't get me started. Don't even get me started…

  • Latoya

    LOL. Thank God we dont have daylight saving time here in my beautiful homeland!

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetalpodcast Brian Shields

    What's more annoying than having to change your clocks and wake up before your body is ready?

    Nothing except for those people who insist on pointing out that it's Daylight Saving (singular) Time… not Savings…

    Sure glad I'm not one of those people.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Skerrib: started about … Daylight SavingS Time?

    LaToya: You Jamaicans get ALL the breaks!

    Brian: NO WAY!! That is too funny!! You know, I'm fastidious about looking up exactly that sort of thing; I'm FOREVER googling all that sort of stuff, for the sure knowledge that the one time I DON'T, I'll get whatever it is wrong. THIS time I didn't. And at first I wrote "Daylights Savings Time"—and then even I could see that couldn't be right. So I took off that first "s," and went, "That's gotta be right. Screw it. I gotta make breakfast. I'm 95% sure that's right."

    And now I learn it WASN'T!!!

    Curse you, Brian Shields!

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Yes, the biggest crock in the world.

  • http://inkstainedpaws.blogspot.com Casey

    poor body; never wins any arguments with the mind.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Skerrib: Wow! You're the most anti-Daylight Saving person EVER! What are you, a vampire?

    Casey: For me, it's just the opposite. My body pretty much never DOESN'T prevail over my weak, spineless mind.

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetalpodcast Brian Shields

    One of the great things about subscribing to the e-mail of comments to this blog is that you get to see what John Shore really thinks of you before he edits it to be more moderate.

    But it's okay because I know you said it with love!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    REALLY?? Is that true? Do you get to see what I say here BEFORE I edit it?? YOWZER!! I totally didn't know that. I always edit my comments. I put 'em up, and then … SEE them up, and then change them. Like (as you know), I wrote, "I hate you, Brian Shields!" because in my head that was SAID in a funny, super-petulant voice. But then, of course, I saw it in PRINT, and realized that without the voice it might be just 2% too harsh. So then, I switched to the ever-excellent fallback, "Curse you!" which is pretty much never not funny.

    But I had no idea anyone ever SAW such changes.

    God, you have no IDEA the stuff I've edited, instantly (as I did with the "I hate you!" comment.) Sometimes I just get pissed off, and really SAY what I want—and then INSTANTLY take it down, as what amounts to a little exercise in self-indulgent catharsis.

    You subscribe to COMMENTS? All of them?? HOW?

    You're such a cyber-Jedi.

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetalpodcast Brian Shields

    Just above "submit comment" below there a check box with "Notify me of follow-up comments via email." And whatever the status is when you hit publish, that gets sent out to the e-mail folks and the rss feeds… and then when you edit, the edit does not get re-sent… so I didn't see the edit until I came to the site.

    And you do know I smiled when I saw the original. I was not offended.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Wow! That's actually kind of cool. And I appreciate the message you sent to my email, about how I could turn off the comments feed if I want to. But no, I like having that fun little window for the few who … do that, I guess. And thanks, too, for saying that you knew I don't really hate you. I know you know I don't! After all, you're my favorite/only agnostic reader!

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetalpodcast Brian Shields

    Uh oh, now he's sending secret messages in the e-mail and then editing.. hahaha

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    I'm a native Arizonan, where they don't do DST. So when my husband joined the AF a while back & we suddenly didn't live in AZ anymore it was a complete shock to my system. I actually am much less hostile about it than I used to be. I understand completely how & why it works, and depending on where you live in a time zone it almost makes sense…but it's based entirely on self-trickery. We're not accomplishing anything we couldn't do by getting up an hour earlier, we're just too lazy to do so without changing the time to make ourselves think we're not getting up earlier when we are…except for these first few days where we're acutely aware that something is just not right about when we're getting up. Just saying. (diatribe = done)

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetalpodcast Brian Shields

    Well back to the subject at hand, I remember as a child being very confused by the notion that Congress could pass a law that could alter the rotation of the earth around the sun.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I see. So you're trying to tell us you're a vampire. That's cool. Live and let never die, I always say.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Brian: So even as a child you were a government-challenging leftist hippie pinko. Interesting.

  • http://inkstainedpaws.blogspot.com Casey

    Any one but me proud to see john use the word 'vampire'?

  • http://www.myspace.com/whitenoisemetal Brian Shields

    I dunno Casey… that word bites.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Why? Because … oh, because I'm a CHRISTIAN, yes?

    Well, why not? Vampires drink blood. We …

    You know what? Let's forget that line of humor. I get in enough trouble as it is.

    I SAID FORGET IT!! AND THAT MEANS YOU, BRIAN SHIELDS!

  • http://inkstainedpaws.blogspot.com Casey

    Well, that- and the fact that I needed something to post just to click subscribe to the email comments thing. Which, may I point out is not working.

    That was hilarious Brian!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Brian's shown me the email comments subscription is working. Wonder what's up? (The subscribe to comments function is enabled at my end—or shows it is, anyway.)

  • arlywn

    And I just got one. Maybe it takes 24 hours to work or something.


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