Six Tips For Making Your Blog Way More Poopular

Six Tips For Making Your Blog Way More Poopular March 30, 2009

1. Ignore other blogs. Conventional wisdom has it that reading, commenting on, and linking to other people’s blogs will bring traffic to yours. But since when do people at conventions have good advice? Why would seeing you dining at someone else’s restaurant make anyone think your restaurant must be great? Act like the only party worth being at is yours, and people are sure to show up to it eventually.

2. Use massive images. Everyone knows that anything worth having is worth waiting for. A blog that takes a long time to load says Quality. Plus, it keeps a person on your site. How can that be bad? Think large; grow large.

3. Constantly change your blog’s appearance. Do you go out of your house every day wearing the same outfit? No. Do people get bored easily? Yes. Do people like surprise parties? Yes. So there you go.

4. Don’t try to be interesting. First off: You keep a blog, okay? Seconal, no one likes a person who pretends to be more interesting than they really are. It comes across as needy. You’re better than that. You’re duller than that. Why fight your strength? Leave being “interesting” to the kinds of people who spell posers “poseurs.” They’ll fade away. Because, in the end, what people really want to know is which way you prefer the toilet paper roll to hang down, and why. And whether you’ve always been like that, or it’s a new thing, or what.

5. Be topical. People care about what’s happening in the news. But there’s a shortage of people commenting on the news. Fill that gap!

6. Use spell check. No one respects a blogger who doesn’t care enough about his own work to run a simple spell chack.




Be fan:

(Oh—and be sure, at the bottom of every single post, to put a link to your Facebook fan page. People love that.)

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  • Oh, no. I'm starting to think that perhaps I should have added a seventh tip: Make sure people know when you're joking.

  • altonwoods

    I missed the clues, signs, or the billboard I guess. When I re-read it I felt "intellectually challenged" I'm taking off my serious hat and replacing it with a "dunce cap". ~sigh~

  • Alton: TOTALLY not your fault. It is kinda weird, in that about half my posts are Comedy, and half really, really aren't. So .. fair's fair.

  • FreetoBe

    Tip 6: Use spell check. "Poopular"?

  • Tip 8: Read the other comments before you post your own 😉

  • FreetoBe

    OK, I left my humor in bed this morning 🙁

  • Glad to know I'm doing everything wrong. . . or right?

  • OK, so did anyone see the "spell CHACK"? Get it? Chack? Instead of "check"? That way it's funny, see. It's funny if you publish something critical of others for not using spell check, but then, yourself, spell it "spell CHACK." If you do this you are sure to get lots of people laughing at that funny joke.

  • I figure if Jack Benny can become world famous as everyone's tight-wad Uncle who plays the violin, I can find fifty thousand readers as the country Doc next door who plays the mandolin on the weekends.

    I hope I can, because there is no way I can be anything else.

  • We saw it, John… but "poopular" just has funnier connotations 😀

  • No, yeah, I knew you guys saw it. For awhile I had "spell chacker," which I REALLY liked. Just word "chacker" cracked me up.

  • Rhymes with "hacker" 😉

  • Not to mention "slacker."

  • Reading John Shore is very similar to the effects of "Seconal"

  • altonwoods

    At the risk of seeming “needy” I decided to comment,I’ll do my best to seem uninteresting. I agree with what you’ve written here,except the part about the massive images. I know we’d all rather not think about it but many poor unfortunates are still using a (shudder) dial up connection. I feel their pain,I prefer to be considerate to them in that regard. I dare say that some of the best blogs I’ve read are based on written content alone! (which loads fast) Sometimes, It’s more about the message than the hype,funny pictures, or the bells and whistles…unless you’re writing to an audience that’s “into that” which I supppose would (in this country) make you more popular, but perhaps less “interesting”.

  • Greta Sheppard

    loved it…I'm jealous of your whit….oops…spell check…wit!

  • You know how some menus have a chili pepper icon to show which dishes are extraordinarily hot? I think you need an icon to show which posts are meant to be taken humorously. (As if “poopular” weren’t enough!)

  • Ha. I like Lindsey’s idea. Now… what would that icon look like? Given the title of this post, I’m not sure I want to conjure up the possibilities 😉

    Here’s my own addition:

    7. Have someone hate on your sites and then publish their own blog entry lambasting you for wasting their time going through your vapid drivel. As they say– bad publicity is better than no publicity!

  • Yes, I have a good friend who has a dial-up connection. She has more patience than anyone I know…

  • Latoya

    I really didnt see pooplar at all. LOL. I noticed chack though..found it hilarious. LOL

  • Kim Stephens

    RE: "Chack" – Gawd, I hate having to explain humor. Humor explained is humor wasted.

  • @Kim: Aww, that's not necessarily true! My mom's native language isn't English, so I often have to explain puns or other language-related jokes to her. Once she gets the background, she laughs (or groans, if John wrote it ;-P) So in her case, humor left UNexplained is humor wasted.

  • I missed "poopular" too. Living in a household with two young children and two dogs, I'm so jaded to poop I don't even notice it anymore.

  • Saw this, which reminded me of this post 🙂

  • Helly: Poop Tarts. I. Am. Going. To. Die. Too extremely funny. I can't even go to the failblog site, for fear of rupturing something internal. It's the funniest thing I know of. Thanks for sending that!!

  • Red: Awesome comment.

  • I'm afraid I spend an inordinate amount of time explaining that I was trying to be funny. I have a REALLY bad habit, for instance, of saying things with a too-straight face; I am forever expecting a laugh from someone—but then getting, instead, an expression telling me that I just freaked them out. It's just … life, for me.

    This one did surprise me, though: between "poopular" and "chack," I figured I'd made it obvious enough that I'm being funny. Plus, the blog advice was so STUPID. But it's also true, I know, that people read stuff online REALLY fast. So I figure anyone who didn't get it (or at least any native English speaker who didn't get it) was just reading too fast. I can't tell you how many comments I get on this blog from people who CLEARLY either didn't read the whole post, or who read it so fast they totally missed what I said. Again: life, for me.

    Funny–particularly in print–is a delicate animal. Too obvious and you're not funny. Too subtle and … you're not funny. I love finding that … funny zone.

  • John, if we're ever at a party together, you can join me in the section for inappropriate people, and we'll snark on each other and laugh hysterically (or just trade straight-faced jabs) so we don't scare anyone else.

  • Skerrib: It's awful. I found that as time went by I grew what to me was increasingly subtle in my delivery–until finally, about ten years ago, I realized that I wasn't in ANY way signaling that I was joking. So I would be at a restaurant with someone, say, and our waiter would … I don't know … bring us the wrong drink, or whatever, and the person I was with might complain to me a little about it. So I would say, "You know what let's do? Let's find out what time our waiter gets off work, come back here, follow him home, stalk and harass him for about two weeks, and then, you know … kill him." And I, thinking it would be even MORE funny if I did, would say that in apparent absolute earnestness. And THEN, instead of getting the laugh I expected, I'd find the other person looking at me like they were wondering if they should call the police. So then I started trying to indicate, while being "funny," that, in fact, I was being funny. I still often fail to lighten-up my delivery, though. So then I have to go, "I'm joking." But I've also found that once I have to say that to someone, I sort of … lose interest in them. It's awful. This is why I never leave my house.

  • I think what would be really helpful is your own personal laugh track. Didn't they advertise something like that on SNL? I'd buy one.

  • Skerrib: I'd totally buy one, too. My standard joke (after I've been frightening instead of funny) is "Maybe I should just carry around a little flag I could wave when I'm tryin to be funny." And I always thought it WOULD be funny to carry around such a thing.


  • John, if I could give a testimonial as to these six tips…

    I employed these simple tactics for the past week…and I saw my subscribers go from 130 to 35 in just three days. That is how much my "poopularity" improved…

    Oh, wait…that was a Feedburner snafoo.

  • I am going to ignore this post and not leave a comment so that my blog's readership will go up!

  • Hahaha. Poopular.