After I posted yesterday’s Why Won’t the U.S. Christian Community Return My Phone Calls?, my phone rang. It was them! Here’s how my conversation with the U.S. Christian Community went:
My phone: Ring. Ring. Ri—
U.S. Christian Community: Is this John Shore?
Me: Who wants to know?
USCC: My, my. That sounds like the response of a guilty person.
Me: Who is this?
USCC: This is the U.S. Christian community, John.
Me: No. Way.
Me: I’ve been calling you guys forever.
USCC: Yes, we read that on your blog.
Me: You guys read my blog?
USCC: Yes. And we’d like to apologize for not returning your calls sooner. As you can imagine, we get a lot of phone calls.
Me: No worries. So you guys read my blog, ‘eh? That’s great, because I—
USCC: Your blog is actually one of the things we wanted to talk to you about. John, do you think your blog is pleasing to God?
Me: Why? Did he say something about it?
USCC: Ah, there’s that sense of humor. You do understand, don’t you, John, that when you write something to be read by the public, you’re doing so as a representative of God?
Me: I am? I mean … okay.
USCC: And that’s why it’s so important, John, that what you write is genuinely pleasing to God.
Me: Okay, seriously: Did God say something about my blog? Because I try to use a good picture with every post, and I always run the spell check, and …
USCC: It’s more your content that we’re concerned about, John. For instance, we’ve noticed that you do a lot of blogging about homosexuals. Now, why do you think that is?
USCC: And you also do a lot of writing discouraging Christians from evangelizing to non-believers, do you not?
Me: I do not. What I do write about is the relationship between The Great Commission and The Great Commandment. Because, again, as a loving—
USCC: John, do you believe in the Bible?
Me: I don’t know what that question means. I believe the story of Jesus is absolutely true, if that’s what you’re asking me. The virgin birth of Jesus, his miracles, his resurrection, his atoning sacrifice on the cross … I believe all of it.
USCC: So you do believe the Bible is the word of God?
Me: Well now, see, that’s a different—and, as you must know, an extremely loaded—question. And it’s one that doesn’t actually make sense. It’s like asking if I believe in water. I believe the Bible is a book. Can we start with that? It has a cover; it comes with pages. I definitely believe the Bible is a book.
USCC: The Bible is the word of God, John.
Me: Well, there’s certainly no question but that it was written by men who were deeply inspired by the Holy Spirit. No one but God could possibly have written such a book. But the simple, unarguable fact remains that over thousands of years the books of the Bible were actually, physically written by men, in whatever language those men happen to speak or write at the time. So ultimately the Bible is a cooperative venture between God and man. But I don’t think that lessens the Bible at all. In fact, I think it allows us to—
USCC: John, do you fear going to hell?
Me: Boy, you’re not afraid to ask the tough questions, are you, U.S. Christian community?
USCC: We fear for your soul, John.
Me: Oh, thanks! But I’m okay. Seriously. I am. But I appreciate your concern.
USCC: We love you, brother.
Me: And I love you. It’s an important point to make. I do love you, no matter what you think you might have read on my blog.