Earthquake Proves God Wants Me Drunk and Socializing

Anyone whom I know out there in Cyberville feel that 7.2 earthquake that just happened (it’s 2:58 p.m. California time) in Baja California?

Rocked our little piece of the world, I’m here to report. For a full 35 gottdang seconds.

I was in the kitchen preparing my once-a-week martini, which apparently angered God. But, as it happens, I do like my martinis shaken, not stirred.

Wait. Maybe God wasn’t angry that I was having a martini. Maybe he was trying to help me make it.

I’m sure that’s it. I’m sure the major earthquake we just had was God’s way of helping me prepare my martini.

God is great! He sometimes maybe overdoes things just a little bit — but great!

Anyway, once we understood that it wasn’t going to actually kill us, my wife and I, in our bathrobes (that’s right: we groom), hustled right outside into the (relative) safety of God’s (more or less) open space.

Lots of people were already out there, looking around, shaken.

Get it? Shaken? Cuz it was an earthquake?!

Can you believe I give you comedy like that for free? Me, neither.

You know how, in an emergency, you look at whatever happened or caused the trouble? In an earthquake,  if nothing’s actually fallen or damaged, you run outside, and then just stand there. You wanna look at something — but at what? The sky? The ground — to see if it’s still wiggling? At the nearest buildings? Again?

Turns out that, as a bit of a default, you end up looking toward the people around you, who have also run outside.

I’m very pleased to report that, as a result of none of  us having horribly perished, I have now made the acquaintance any number of my neighbors.

Clearly, God wants me drunk and socializing.

If that’s the cross I have to bear, then so be it.

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Fan me, baby

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • Vivian

    Yep! You still have that same hilarious sense of humor. God love ya!!

  • http://jerrisblog.blogspot.com Jerri Harrington

    Wow! I’m glad you guys are okay! I just heard about it! I’m turning on the news!

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Geez. Glad you’re all OK.

  • jennifer

    Don’t worry about them meeting you in your bath robe. They’ve been peeking in your windows and have no doubt seen worse.

  • Diana

    Wasn’t that fun? I was about to enjoy an Easter afternoon nap when it started. I jumped out of bed and ran to the doorway fast. My two oldest cats (who are also my two smartest cats) went and hid inside the couch. My youngest (and dumbest) cat stayed on the bed going “What? What’s going on?”

    Oh well, all’s well that ends well. The peace of the Lord, indeed! Happy Easter!

  • Richard Lubbers

    Question is, did you carry your nicely shaken martini out into the yard with you?

    Great post, John. I can’t stop smiling. Heaven’s Jester does it again!

  • http://www.blogsofbooks.com Susan K. Stewart

    If it shook my part of California, I slept through — ritual Sunday afternoon nap. Must mean God wants me to nap on Sunday.

    It is funny when something like that happens, we do head outside (at least in California, being the social creatures we are). Pretty much, we do nothing else — no earthquake shelters here. Just milling around the yard with a martini.

    BTW – John, how was that martini?

  • Nora

    Nothing shaking this far north…but they’re getting closer…so…guess I’d better start drinking and socializing just for practice…

  • http://www.dianenoble.com Diane Noble

    Great post, John! I'm still giggling. Yes, indeed. Tell us what happened to the martini. Now I'm thinking how boring it was just to ride it out in the hall doorway, though Tom did say it felt rather like being onboard a ship heading through rough seas.

  • http://ricbooth.wordpress.com ric booth

    It is so refreshing to see one so in-tune with the will of God.

  • Vivian

    You are still as funny as you were in grade school. I loved it.

  • Kristin

    Clearly God likes to shake things up a bit! Bwaa ha ha ha ha!


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