Christians: Are We Cool with Transylvanians?

Grizzy's grandpa. I should have known.

(This is a follow-up to yesterday’s “Christians: Are We Cool with Transvestites?”)

Before I became a Christian, it never even occurred to me that there might be anything morally suspect about being a Transylvanian. Oh sure, I knew TV’s were different. The jet-black hair, slicked back on the men like style desperados hording the last of the world’s supply of Vitalis. The long black capes, so woefully retro. The weird hours they keep. Their glowing eyes. Their inability to see themselves in mirror (which might explain the hair and capes). Their fangs.

I knew Transylvanians practiced an “alternative lifestyle,” of course. But before I was a Christians that never stopped me from having plenty of friends who were Transylvanian. And while there are certainly aspects of the TV lifestyle that I personally can’t relate to — I just don’t like bats, for instance, no matter how trained they are to hang upside down from your finger — in the main I just thought my TV friends were loquacious anemics with terribly low blood sugar. It never occurred to me there was anything fundamentally wrong with being a TV.

In college, in fact, I dated a girl who was a Transylvanian. For awhile I thought Grizelda and I might really make a go of it. We even moved into an apartment together. Grizzy tried to hide her secret life from me. But one day, after returning home from a trip to the butcher’s, I came home to find that in the short time I’d been gone she’d completely boarded up all of our windows.

“Honey, I’m home!” I called uneasily into the darkness. “I’ve got the steaks! Still dripping, just like you ordered!” I flipped on the light.

And there was Grizzy, sunk into our black velour beanbag chair, frantically sawing her teeth with a metal file.

“You know, we’ve got dental floss,” I said. But that’s when it all came pouring out of her. The lies. The deception. Why she could only work graveyard shifts. Why we could never cook anything with garlic. What happened to Pig, our pet hairless dog. All of it.

Despite Grizzy’s ruby-red lips and my ongoing desire to have no idea how they got that way, we tried to make our relationship work. But between the non-existence of coffins for two, and me having to slather on Bat-Away™ bat repellent every time I went to sleep, it just proved too much. One night she simply flew the coop. Literally. Completely freaked me out. I almost killed her with a tennis racquet before I realized it was my beloved Grizelda. Even now, I sometimes think of her out in the world, spreading love, joy, and I guess maybe rabies.

I suppose that when we step back to consider the whole issue of TV’s, we see that the primary problem is that we don’t really know if God made Transylvanians the way they are, or if it’s a choice they make. I have my own opinions on the matter. But perhaps those of you better versed in Scripture and/or life generally can help enlighten me as to the question of God’s attitude toward the unrepentant Transylvanian. Thank you.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://friendlymama.blogspot.com Mary Linda

    Sounds like your relationship sucked.

  • Skerrib

    I dated a Transylvanian once. He was too high maintenance. Sucked the life right outta me.

  • Joel

    As I read this sitting by a very large window, sun began to shine brightly as it cane out from behind a darkening cloud, casting its hot rays upon me. All alone in the home I whimpsically turned my face toward the light and hissed loudly. John I hope for my sake the neighbors didn't see my mysterious display. It's your fault if they did… Oh well, such behavior keeps the creativity alive in this misfitted man child.

  • DonP

    "unrepentant" Transylvanian???? The distinction assumes knowledge that being a Transylvanian is sinful. I say "Live well and proper Transylvanians". If you come across a man that deems your state of being a sin, then keep it in the closet. Lest you tempt him to go against his own conviction. Let God be the judge of all. Not men!

    • DonP

      oops! I meant to say "Live well and prosper"

  • Matthew Tweedell

    Obviously, John, there's a major problem with this…

    First, it goes without saying that anyone who’s lived in that region in Eastern Europe known as Transylvania–it doesn't really matter whether it's by birth or by their own choice–consumes blood. This is an abomination God; Scripture is abundantly clear in this regard:

    Leviticus 3:17 – "This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live: You must not eat any fat or any blood."

    Leviticus 7:27 – "If anyone eats blood, that person must be cut off from his people."

    Deuteronomy 12:16 and 12:24 AND 15:23 – "You must not eat the blood; pour it out on the ground like water."

    Acts 15:20 – "… abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood."

    And those are just a few examples. Prophesy foretold what we know see this very problem doing to God's Church (Revelation 17:6): "I saw that the woman was drunk with the blood of the saints, the blood of those who bore testimony to Jesus."

    This also shows how stupid Catholics are to believe in transubstantiation, another dumb "theory" no different than the theory of evolution!

    Praise the Lord that He delivered you from your life of sin and relationships with people (or should I say, things) like Grizelda!

    • http://friendlymama.blogspot.com Mary Linda

      Matthew–I was trying to work transubstantiation into it but hadn't found the route. Way to go!!!

    • Joel

      I'm happy that there are examples of how not to be… When were guilty of one of the laws we are guilty of them all. Mercy and "fullfilment" has come to us all, by the Grace of God go you and I. No matter what we eat, drink, or how our bodies move to the beat of a song, nothing can seperate us from His Love… I'm glad your not on the heaven acceptance comittee, regardless of how high minded and righteous you appear, ya just plain stink with that selfrighteous indignation theology. So why dontcha just take a trip back down to the alter and see if you can get yourself humble enough? God is in the heart transplantin bidnuzz.

      Come out of that religious demon you!

      • Joel

        Altar…

        • Joel

          and change your to the contraction you're… second correction…

          I'll leave the other correction for Matthew, he seems to like the feeling it gives him.

    • Don Whitt

      That simply establishes that Vampires are not kosher, right?

    • Matthew Tweedell

      While I'm unaware of any actual rabbinical ruling on the matter, it seems to me that vampires are as kosher as beef—just don't cook them in vampire-milk. As for what vampires themselves consume, this is beyond simply non-kosher, as the citation from Acts indicates. Every competent teacher of the law would say that the Talmud, on the basis of Genesis 9:4, shows how consuming something with the life-blood still in it is in violation of Noahide law—not just the law of Moses—thus binding not only on Jews, but all descendants of Noah, forever (unless you'd want God to stop putting rainbows in the sky, and trust me, you don't want that—life would suck without rainbows).

      Mmm…on second thought—regarding the kosher status of vampires themselves—I decided to look into the matter and, having discovered that bats are not kosher, and knowing how the flesh of vampires may spontaneously transubstantiate into bat flesh, I wouldn't risk it, if I were a Jew. But since I have Jesus, I don't need to be concerned about such laws!

      Oh yes, and to Joel: I'm perfectly content to let you correct you're own mistakes. I don't even bother making misstakes; my time is to important to waste on having any mistakes to recognize and corect.

  • http://friendlymama.blogspot.com Mary Linda

    Speaking of Translyvanians: Anybody see the film "Let the Right One In"?

    • http://southofmarket.wordpress.com crackalley

      Best film of last year. They are remaking it now… but what an awesome film.

      • http://friendlymama.blogspot.com Mary Linda

        Who's remaking it? Hollywood? Horrors!

        I thought it was a haunting, beautiful, heartbreaking film. It may be one of the saddest films I've ever seen. Maybe because the boy looks very much like one of my son's at that age, the ending tore my heart out.

  • Mark Lattimore

    Of course after the posts of the last two days we must now ask, "What should a Christian's position be toward Dr. Frank N. Furter?"

    • http://allegro63.blogspot.com/ Sylvie Galloway

      The bovine or porcine Dr?

  • http://allegro63.blogspot.com/ Sylvie Galloway

    There is a county in North Carolina called…I kid you not…Transylvania County. My ex is from there, two of my children were born there. They are all native Transylvanians. So far none of them burst into flames when standing in sunlight, or even sparkle aka Stephanie Meyers. I haven't awakened one morning with unexplained puncture marks on my neck either…at least not yet.

  • Don Whitt

    I've oft thought about the relationship between Christianity and Bram Stoker's Dracula. Repressed sexuality, the resurrection and immortality, the power of the cross, the sharing of blood, the empty graves, the limbo of a undead existence where the soul is traded for immortality. Bram Stoker wrote Dracula as an epistolary – similar to the gospels in a way. Jesus would dig vampires. Definitely.

    • http://allegro63.blogspot.com/ Sylvie Galloway

      Wow! I have never made the symbolic connection. But then I usually miss all that and get engrossed in the plot. Oh my poor lit teachers.

    • http://friendlymama.blogspot.com Mary Linda

      Dracula is all about the seduction. You have to say "yes" and want him, at least a little bit, and then your free will is removed and you become the human slushy. Dracula is the anti-savior. Although, now that I think of it, Dracula's "Brides" act an aweful lot like most of the Christians I know, violently assaulting others, trying to sink their theological teeth into unbelieving necks. What cross to use? What garlic will repel them? What hope does one have when one opens the door? Perhaps the young Goths are onto something? Frighten them away with pale skin, dark eyes, apathy and an upsidedown cross around the neck?

      • Liz

        Mary Linda you made me laugh.

  • Jeremy

    I don't mind Transylvanians as long as they don't shove their transylvanianness in my face.

  • Robert Meek

    Oye vey, Just tell me they don't eat little 10-pound 12-year old Poodles, eh? My little FiFi prefers to not have her blood sucked out of her.

    An early "G'nite" to all as yet more "thunderboomers" are coming our way here in South Carolina, again.

    The 'lectricity got interrupted once, NOT DURING the wretched fierce storm, oddly. IN-BETWEEN. Regardless, being on an oxygen compressor driven by 'lectricity, this is never fun.

  • mark

    Yet another confession from me!

    I was raised Roman Catholic; I figure that the nuns’ religion horror stories (and their maltreatment of intelligent male students) is what instilled in me my agnosticism AND helped drive me towards Trannie-ville. Funny thing is, I’ve always wanted to dress as a cross between a nun and a hooker. Hmmmmm!

    A nice, virginal,Transylvanian, goth hooker nun. On roller skates.

    P.S. My own personal Bible readings occurred LONG after my catholic education ceased. I’m not sure they even knew there was an Old Testament…..besides the Pentateuch, that is.

  • http://asad123.wordpress.com asad123

    One aspect of vampires must be very appealing to Evangelicals – easy conversion. A vampire need only bite his intended and that person becomes a vampire too. Could you imagine if religious conversion were that easy?


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