How weird is this? I just got in my inbox an email that was obviously supposed to go not to me, but to Maggie Gallagher, co-founder of National Organization for Marriage (NOM)!
You can see from the screenshot that the email came from Satan!
Weirdness #2: Satan loves emoticons.
I wonder how my email address ever got confused with Maggie Gallagher’s, of all people? Up until now Go Daddy has been a pretty good email server. But now I’m thinking not so much. Who knows where my emails have been ending up?
And who would have thought they have the Internet in hell?
Though that might, actually, explain all the free porn. And it would definitely explain pop-up ads.
Anyway, I’m no friend of Satan’s. So you wanna see the rest of his email to Maggie Gallagher? Cool. It’s below. (I’ve inserted links to stuff that seemed to be what ol’ goat-breath is talking about.)
. . . Just wanted to touch base with you re: Starbucks. I love what we’re doing there. The whole Dump Starbucks campaign is genius. Genius!
But I thought of it. Me. Remember that. It was my idea, Maggie. Not yours. Mine.
But you and the rest of the nummy NOMmers are doing a wonderful job with it. Sexually molest a couple of your co-workers for me, won’t you, Maggie? Don’t be afraid to get right in there and be really aggressive about it, either. They deserve it.
The problem is that those cretinous do-gooders at Human Rights Campaign and Sum of Us are making us look like morons, Maggie. Morons! For every one signature we get on our petition condemning Starbucks for supporting gay marriage, they get thousands affirming the way Starbucks is supporting love and acceptance and all that crap.
Thousands, Maggie. Thousands, affirming everything we’re against! Obviously this must stop.
And why does our Dump Starbucks Twitter account only have 157 followers??! That’s just embarrassing!
C’mon, Maggie! I don’t expect you to excel at normal socializing; no one who knows you does. But I would think by now you’d have at least figured out how to use social media. Look at our dear friend “Reverend” Keith, over at Gods Land, Gods Law. He’s got well over 5,000 followers! Five thousand! Maybe you should learn a lesson or two from Keith, Maggie. Do you even read his Tweets? Did you see these two recent total winners of his?:
That is how you use social media, Maggie.
I have such a demon-crush on the Keithster. I must get the two of you together. What spawn the two of you would have! I’m wetting my fur just thinking about it.
Still, I suppose it remains true that what works for the good reverend Keith might not, after all, work for NOM. It’s all about maintaining NOM’s aura of respectability, right, Maggie? (Speaking of which, we need to talk about your hair.)The main thing to remember about our Dump Starbucks campaign is its solid potential for wreaking the kind of havoc that puts blood on the streets: that gets people viciously persecuting others—beating others with sticks; pummeling them with rocks; shooting them with guns, rifles, and pistols; stabbing them; running them over with automobiles, motorcycles, trucks and buses; hanging them; torturing them; raping them ( !! oh, be still my heart!)
And how can Dump Starbucks produce all this wonderfulness? By fomenting anti-gay sentiment in all those countries where Starbucks does business that aren’t anywhere near as “accepting” as, alas, America is too rapidly becoming.
But look who I’m telling!
Exporting hatred: that’s our new business, right, Maggie!? It worked for us in Uganda, and now it will work for us again. And to think it took Starbucks to open up for us all these new possibilities for exploiting hatred and visiting pain upon countless numbers of innocent people.
Words cannot express how much I love NOM’s statements about how the world wouldn’t stand for what Starbucks has done, how the world would rise up against the normalizing of gay marriage, how NOM was determined to deliver its deliciously divisive dictums to the middle East and Southeast Asia.
Perfect! Nobody hates gay people like Muslims, right Maggie? And I absolutely adored how perfectly subtle you guys were about all this in your press release (italics mine!):
NOM said it would mount a campaign to urge consumers to boycott Starbucks … and to complain about the corporation’s attempts to redefine marriage for all of society. The group will also launch an advertising campaign to inform consumers around the world about the company’s activities. Starbucks operates in 55 countries including many where same-sex marriage is strongly opposed.
“We are today announcing a sustained public campaign calling on Starbucks to stop waging war against marriage, and the views of more than half its worldwide customers. Starbucks should be in the business of offering all its diverse customers a great cup of coffee, not taking sides against the views of its customers, vendors, and employees around the world,” said Brown.
NOM will place ads throughout the United States, as well as in the Middle East and Southeast Asia [score!!] urging consumers to “Dump Starbucks” because purchasing a cup of Starbucks equals support for gay marriage.
“Starbucks may have been hoping that what happens in Seattle stays in Seattle, but we are going to make sure Starbucks customers, not only here but worldwide, know that drinking a cup of Starbucks coffee promotes gay marriage,” said Jonathan Baker, head of NOM’s Corporate Fairness Project [ !!!] and a Starbucks stockholder. “It’s ironic that even as Starbucks endorsed gay marriage here, its website on involvement in the Middle East claims the corporation does not, ‘support any political or religious cause.’ Lying to your customers is never a good business model,” Baker added.
Genius. It sends shivers up and down my spine every time I read it. I can almost hear the screams already.
I have taught you well, Maggie. Thanks for all that you, NOM president Brian Brown, and all the NOM-bombs do for our cause. I love you all.
I’ll be in touch. And, as always, I will never be far from you in spirit.