Satan’s email to founder of National Organization for Marriage, Maggie Gallagher!

How weird is this? I just got in my inbox an email that was obviously supposed to go not to me, but to Maggie Gallagher, co-founder of National Organization for Marriage (NOM)!

You can see from the screenshot that the email came from Satan!

Weirdness #2: Satan loves emoticons.

I wonder how my email address ever got confused with Maggie Gallagher’s, of all people? Up until now Go Daddy has been a pretty good email server. But now I’m thinking not so much. Who knows where my emails have been ending up?

And who would have thought they have the Internet in hell?

Though that might, actually, explain all the free porn. And it would definitely explain pop-up ads.

Anyway, I’m no friend of Satan’s. So you wanna see the rest of his email to Maggie Gallagher? Rolling on the floor laughing  Cool. It’s below. (I’ve inserted links to stuff that seemed to be what ol’ goat-breath is talking about.)

. . . Just wanted to touch base with you re: Starbucks. I love what we’re doing there. The whole Dump Starbucks campaign is genius. Genius!

But I thought of it. Me. Remember that. It was my idea, Maggie. Not yours. Mine.

But you and the rest of the nummy NOMmers are doing a wonderful job with it. Sexually molest a couple of your co-workers for me, won’t you, Maggie? Don’t be afraid to get right in there and be really aggressive about it, either. They deserve it.

The problem is that those cretinous do-gooders at Human Rights Campaign and Sum of Us are making us look like morons, Maggie. Morons! For every one signature we get on our petition condemning Starbucks for supporting gay marriage, they get thousands affirming the way Starbucks is supporting love and acceptance and all that crap.

Thousands, Maggie. Thousands, affirming everything we’re against! Obviously this must stop. Thumbs down

And why does our Dump Starbucks Twitter account only have 157 followers??! That’s just embarrassing! Steaming mad

C’mon, Maggie! I don’t expect you to excel at normal socializing; no one who knows you does. But I would think by now you’d have at least figured out how to use social media. Look at our dear friend “Reverend” Keith, over at Gods Land, Gods Law. He’s got well over 5,000 followers! Five thousand! Maybe you should learn a lesson or two from Keith, Maggie. Do you even read his Tweets? Did you see these two recent total winners of his?:

LOVE IT!!!! Open-mouth smile

That is how you use social media, Maggie.

I have such a demon-crush on the Keithster. I must get the two of you together. What spawn the two of you would have! I’m wetting my fur just thinking about it.

Still, I suppose it remains true that what works for the good reverend Keith might not, after all, work for NOM. It’s all about maintaining NOM’s aura of respectability, right, Maggie? (Speaking of which, we need to talk about your hair.)

The main thing to remember about our Dump Starbucks campaign is its solid potential for wreaking the kind of havoc that puts blood on the streets: that gets people viciously persecuting others—beating others with sticks; pummeling them with rocks; shooting them with guns, rifles, and pistols; stabbing them; running them over with automobiles, motorcycles, trucks and buses; hanging them; torturing them; raping them (Party smile !! oh, be still my heart!)

And how can Dump Starbucks produce all this wonderfulness? By fomenting anti-gay sentiment in all those countries where Starbucks does business that aren’t anywhere near as “accepting” as, alas, America is too rapidly becoming.

But look who I’m telling!

Exporting hatred: that’s our new business, right, Maggie!? It worked for us in Uganda, and now it will work for us again. And to think it took Starbucks to open up for us all these new possibilities for exploiting hatred and visiting pain upon countless numbers of innocent people.

Words cannot express how much I love NOM’s statements about how the world wouldn’t stand for what Starbucks has done, how the world would rise up against the normalizing of gay marriage, how NOM was determined to deliver its deliciously divisive dictums to the middle East and Southeast Asia.

Perfect! Nobody hates gay people like Muslims, right Maggie? And I absolutely adored how perfectly subtle you guys were about all this in your press release (italics mine!):

NOM said it would mount a campaign to urge consumers to boycott Starbucks … and to complain about the corporation’s attempts to redefine marriage for all of society. The group will also launch an advertising campaign to inform consumers around the world about the company’s activities. Starbucks operates in 55 countries including many where same-sex marriage is strongly opposed.

“We are today announcing a sustained public campaign calling on Starbucks to stop waging war against marriage, and the views of more than half its worldwide customers. Starbucks should be in the business of offering all its diverse customers a great cup of coffee, not taking sides against the views of its customers, vendors, and employees around the world,” said Brown.

NOM will place ads throughout the United States, as well as in the Middle East and Southeast Asia [score!!] urging consumers to “Dump Starbucks” because purchasing a cup of Starbucks equals support for gay marriage.

“Starbucks may have been hoping that what happens in Seattle stays in Seattle, but we are going to make sure Starbucks customers, not only here but worldwide, know that drinking a cup of Starbucks coffee promotes gay marriage,” said Jonathan Baker, head of NOM’s Corporate Fairness Project [Thumbs up Thumbs up Thumbs up!!!] and a Starbucks stockholder. “It’s ironic that even as Starbucks endorsed gay marriage here, its website on involvement in the Middle East claims the corporation does not, ‘support any political or religious cause.’ Lying to your customers is never a good business model,” Baker added.

Genius. It sends shivers up and down my spine every time I read it. I can almost hear the screams already.

I have taught you well, Maggie. Thanks for all that you, NOM president Brian Brown, and all the NOM-bombs do for our cause. I love you all.

I’ll be in touch. And, as always, I will never be far from you in spirit.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Jeff Blackshear via Facebook

    I confess: I <3 the devil.

    • Mike

      If U<3 the devil & the devil<3 Maggie then U<3 the devil. :)

  • http://thethreews.wordpress.com Ken Leonard

    I knew there was a reason I never liked emoticons.

    NOM is running an ad in NH, where we might be the first state to repeal gay marriage (because the NH legislature has nothing better to do in 2011 and 2012 than revisit everything that was passed in 2009 and 2010). They’re complaining about out-of-state groups pushing an agenda. Apparently without a sense of irony.

    I can’t say I’m too surprised that Satan uses Hotmail. I mean, HOT? I get it. And GMail is part of Google, which used to have that “Don’t be evil” slogan. I can see why that would be a turn-off to him. Plus, it’s only fair. I mean, surely Bill Gates sold his soul, right?

  • Tim

    lol,

    surprised you didn’t add something a little Screwtape-ish there at the end. Of course, if one WERE corresponding via email with Satan, one would think Satan wouldn’t tell his minions he can’t wait to devour their souls.

  • http://www.facebook.com/MelodyDickson Melody Petersen Christensen Dickson via Facebook

    I hope somehow that email actually found that person. She would probably not understand the satire, but… still, might give her a jolt. :D

  • Mary

    I have long said that Satan really is using people like NOM to further divide the Body of Christ. It’s quite clever on Satan’s part because these people really believe they are working against him. And he’s loving it.

  • Shawna Wensky via Facebook

    That’s pretty funny! Someone is mocking Miss Maggie Gallagher! :)

  • Tammi Carrick via Facebook

    I always knew there was a reason I hated emoticons, they’re Satan’s facial expressions. :P

  • http://www.facebook.com/alan.herendich Alan Herendich via Facebook

    This email sounds a lot like it could be from Uncle Screwtape. Of course he writes from the same perspective!

  • http://www.facebook.com/tony.l.churchill Tony Lee Churchill via Facebook

    Fantabulous!! ENCORE.

  • Driftwood2K11

    That two timing bastard! Well, we’ll see how he likes it when he doesn’t get my fruitcake this Christmas!

    • Diana A.

      :-)

  • John Stewart via Facebook

    I think I know why @dumpstarbucks has only 159 followers. Typical message: ” people have dumped #starbucks, have you?” Or my personal favorite: “#Starbucks believes in diversity. It diversely offends its customers by tolerating an intolerant minority.” Agreed. It’s really hard to tolerate an intolerant minority.

  • Lisa Metzler via Facebook

    LOVE IT!! Thanks, John!! I needed a good chuckle, and you have certainly delivered.

  • http://www.facebook.com/JohnShoreFans John Shore via Facebook

    (For what it’s worth, I’ve never read “The Screwtape Letters.”

    • LSS

      Woh seriously?!

      Ok well there goes half of what i was going to comment.

      So here is the rest of it:

      Did you have to insult goats, people that are bad at social interaction, and (maybe) gay Muslims?

      It’s funny, though.

    • Allie

      That’s easily corrected, you know! It’s not a long book.

      I did think of Screwtape while reading this, which is high praise. Although I don’t think Lewis ever called anyone specific out in such a high-profile way.

    • Lymis

      Oh, you should. It’s definitely written in your kind of style. And it’s very, very short.

      • Lymis

        It’s also about due for a rewrite – one can only imagine what Lewis would have done with megachurches and the Religious Right. Screwtape’s newest mentoree must be doing a great job!

    • Tim

      It is funny and insightful, but extremely disgusting as well. Just read the last chapter, and you’ll see what I mean (the rest is useful and entertaining, but the last chapter is sufficient to get what I mean.)

  • Leslie Marbach

    I’m really glad you exposed this, John. We all wondered about the connection between Satan and Maggie, but this here…it’s proof. Total undeniable proof. We read it on the internet so it must be true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/alan.herendich Alan Herendich via Facebook

    You might find them fun. Short, and unfortunately still relevant. Coming at things from the other side makes for some great comments and can get you a TV show–just ask Stephen Colbert!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pamela.snook Pamela K Snook via Facebook

    So does this mean I need to drink more Starbucks?

  • Mike

    John,

    Fantastic work! I am going to offer my 2.5 cents tomorrow, but I’m just too tired tonight. I’ve been playing poker whilst drinking starbucks, so I’m not in the proper mindset to say intelligent things right now. Thanks so much for doing this!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Thanks for helping me with it, Mike.

      • Mike

        Are you kidding?? This made my week. Any time you need help… drop me a line. Keep up the good work!

  • Mike Little via Facebook
    • Lymis

      Caught that too. Their internal memos made it clear that it was an articulated goal to find black people to speak out against gay marriage and to express outrage against the claim that gay rights are civil rights (thus “tarnishing” the memory of those who fought for black civil rights) – specifically to generate angry responses from gay leaders so that politicians would drop the issues as divisive.

      I had wondered why, with black people such a relatively small percentage of the Republican base, there were suddenly so many black anti-gay spokespeople, especially in places like Maine, which have even fewer black people to begin with. Now we know part of the answer.

  • Josie

    Hey, John, maybe Maggie has been getting YOUR mail…and all of the articulate, loving, good-hearted folks here will make her see the error of her ways. (Why yes, I HAVE been diagnosed with incurable optimism…)

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      another good one! really great, Josie…

  • Kimberly Moser Musci Phillips via Facebook

    We should be (re)publishing/outing some corps and brands who back ALEC and/or are connected to other right-wing causes/lobbies, too. For starters:

    AT&T, Walmart, Kraft, Dixie paper products, Johnsonville, SEJohnson, Sargento, GoldBond, AngelSoft, Brawny, VanityFair napkins…

  • Tina Badger via Facebook

    Sooo…did you forward it to her? ;-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/JohnShoreFans John Shore via Facebook

    Yes. Okay, no.

  • http://castlerockbear.tumblr.com Keith Walsh

    :) :) :) Awesome Article! :)

    Thanks Again John!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      that is just too funny. Good one, keith!

  • Mike

    transitive property of possession.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rob-Brunner/1590544567 Rob Brunner via Facebook

    Yes. Yes he would.

  • Tina Badger via Facebook

    Ha ha ha ha…never noticed that before. So…have you forwarded it yet? I’m sure Ms./Mrs/Miss Gallagher really would like to see her message from the big guy downstairs now, don’t you?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Truman-Grandy/100000144143443 Truman Grandy via Facebook

    old-school satan was totes AOL
    (pronounced A-O-Hell)

  • Amanda McKim

    That would scare the living patooby out of me lol. I have to say I did laugh reading it. I almost feel guilty for laughing. Sad thing is I never knew there was a campaign against Starbucks. Maybe because I don’t really like their coffee lol. But none the less, I would have felt the saner way you did lol… Great post hon!

  • http://www.facebook.com/MidlandJesus Paul Keen via Facebook

    Satire or no, this is a bit harsh, don’t ya think?

    • Melody

      Jesus was harsh to the religious leaders of his day. Elijah mocked the priests of Baal in their serious-seeming attempt at worship. So I’d say not. Stupid people deserve to be mocked.

      • LSS

        Or mean people, especially.

  • Cynthia Haug-West via Facebook

    Awesome sauce, John. (Now go read “Screwtape” so you can see what an excellent genre you’ve just contributed to.)

    • Valerie

      Someone gave me a copy of The Screwtape Letters” when I graduated high school and I was thinking that exact thing!

  • Ba’al, Minister of Convenants

    Dear Mr. Shore,

    As you (of all people, wink, wink) should be aware, I am in charge of all matters relating to Covenants, Deals, Dances, Pacts, and Blood Oaths with His Eminence, the Devil. You may also be familiar with my work as the patron saint of lawyers.

    Mr. Shore, cease and desist leaking my Client’s personal e-mails.

    Please try to imagine the ruckus you have caused this morning in Hell: the minions had His Divine Darkness showered, shaved, and in a nice white fluffy terry robe, settling in for a relaxing lite breakfast of fresh Trinidad Moruga Scorpion peppers and granola, served with a Spicy Bloody Mary. He scrolls through His favorite fun-time fiction blogs – Drudge Report, TMZ, The Onion, WorldNetDaily, Perez Hilton, FoxNews – laughing and smiling. (He loves that Snooki, but then, who doesn’t?)

    And then, after waiting almost 15 minutes for John Shore’s blog page to load — we’re still on dial-up down here — our Prince finds one of His private e-mails splattered across the internet!

    Spewing His favorite Starbuck’s Venti triple-shot-low-foam-Caramel Macchiato w/Splenda and soy milk — He’s lactose intolerant, poor Dear — across the breakfast table, He set the breakfast nook afire and incinerated his brand new iPad. I’ll have you know that I, personally, waited in line at the Apple store for 12 hours for that silly pad! (Windows 7 is some of our best work, so we steer clear of PCs.) Once the flames were doused, I was immediately summoned and asked “to dispatch a strongly worded letter to Mr. John Shore.”

    John, my Client is not Sarah Palin – though He does consider her a BFFF – and will not be treated like a common politician. You cannot imagine the pressures of His job. He is under constant attack by both the Liberal-Biased Media and RightWingnut Press, and the paparazzi dog His every move. Doesn’t He deserve just a little kindness? Just a wee bit of privacy and personal space? Some “Me-time”?

    Worst of all, we’ve spent years getting Maggie Gallagher’s hair just right, and because of your blog, she is now, even as I write this, looking for a new homosexual hairdresser.

    I hope to appeal to your better nature on this. However, should you choose to continue to pretend you’re Julian Assange, I can only warn you of dire consequences. Hounds of Hell. Icky plagues. Watching endless reruns of “The Bachelor” with your new roommate for eternity, Mark Driscoll. Those sorts of things. And trust me, no one holds a grudge like my Old Nick.

    Have a lovely day and god bless,

    Ba’al

    PS – Satan says to say “hi” to you and the family and wants you to know the emoticons were typographical errors. (Yes, I’m rolling my eyes too … Omnia Vanitas, as we used to say.)

    PPS – He also says He is looking forward to meeting you. In late spring of 2058, to be exact.

    • cat rennolds

      bwahhahhahahahahah

      love

      Lilith

  • Cynthia Haug-West via Facebook

    HAHAHA!
    But seriously, that would totally suck eternally flaming pond scum.

  • Norah McIntire via Facebook

    Your blogs are awesome and so are the comments that invariably follow.

  • sixtyfoursixty…

    looks faked

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      It’s not. I actually got an email sent from Satan.

      • Luvjustice

        When I was a kid my dad was a “liberal activist” judge who overturned some anti-gay legislation, and we once got a letter from Satan sent to our house. Surprisingly, the Evil Genius put his return address on the envelope! (Lucifer lived on Grape Street in case you were wondering. Not sure why he chose that area, but Mr. & Mrs Beelzebub got a visit from a fleet of patrol cars and relocated shortly thereafter.) Of course, this was in the 90′s when The Dark Lord probably ranked fairly high up in the US Postal Service. Now I’m pretty sure he is the majority stockholder in Time Warner Cable.

      • cat rennolds

        okay, so the post was moderately hysterical. but THIS would have made me spray Starbucks all over the keyboard. If I drank Starbucks. sorry, even for the great cause of spreading gay marriage germs in every cup, the surtax is too high.

  • http://sillama1.xanga.com Sil in Corea

    Here in “north-east” Asia (South Korea), I congratulated the baristas at our local Starbucks for their company’s endorsement of marriage equality. Can you imagine the astonished looks?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Niiiiiiiiiice.

  • otter

    Great Post….

  • LSS

    On a sideways note, i am just curious if (before receiving his email, of course) you believed there was an actual Satan.

    I guess this is very much connected with the question of whether Hell is real.

    • Diana A.

      My two cents: I do believe that Hell is real. I do not believe that Hell is eternal.

      In the end, I believe all creation will be saved and redeemed, including Satan himself (assuming he exists.)

      Of course, this may take a while.

  • Alison

    This one left me with coffee all over my keyboard, a you-know-what-eating grin on my face, and a stich in my side from laughing so hard. (On the plus side, there went the crunches that I needed to do today). :) You’ve truly outdone yourself this time, John….Cheers.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Crunches! Too funny.

      OMG, I so have to go to the gym.

      I blame you, Alison.

  • Soulmentor

    Hmmm. That style. That snark. That less than subtle humor. That way with succinctness. Where have I seen that before?!?!!!!!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. NONE! Go away.

  • the Devils Advocate

    You are an asshole! Supporting a biased and a racist. Wtf is wrong with you? You know what I dont even care you piece of shit. Get your head out of your ass and out of that filth filled with wrath, rape, and plenty of other things I care not to mention. What am I taking about? Your bible. Its full of lies and hypocracy.

    Sincerely,

    The Devils Advocate

    • James Walker

      err… this article, from 2 years ago, is satire.


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