The largest Protestant denomination in the United States, the Southern Baptist Convention was founded in 1845 in protest against growing anti-slavery sentiment in America. For most of the 20th century the SBC served as spiritual ground-zero for Christian white supremacists.
In 1995 the SBC finally apologized for its appalling past, and announced to the world that they were no longer racist.
Last month the SBC elected its first African-American president.
The next day the SBC overwhelmingly passed a resolution affirming the belief that marriage is “the exclusive union of one man and one woman” and that “all sexual behavior outside of marriage is sinful.” The resolution further asserted that “homosexuality does not qualify as a class meriting special protections, like race and gender.”
Once can’t help but wonder how long it will be before the SBC elects its first gay president. I’m going to guess fifty years (though it may not take that long). I’m further going to imagine that at that time we will see something like this release issued from SBC’s headquarters:
The Southern Baptist Convention
Heroicaly battling history since 1845
July 2, 2062
The Southern Baptist Convention herbey announces that just yesterday we elected a DEFINITE HOMOSEXUAL as the new President of us.
This move tells the world that the Southern Baptist Convention have now officially ended our perceeved discrimination against
darkies baby-makers jewsthe gays.
“Despite all the hangings and bullying and all that, we never did feel nothing but love and respect for all the people outsiders was always accusing us of hating,” said Clerve Mintoon, our president before
the fagour new president. “And that’s why right now we are super excited about this historianic event. It’s gonna bring us a whole lot more members. Which is great, because we don’t really have all that many left anymore. So we’re sure hoping this helps with that.”
Even though we are now officially okay with people being gay, the Southern Baptist Convention still wants all it’s members to know that we will valiently continue in our nobel and traditional quest to make all of humanity the same and good. That is why we are also announcing today that from now on we will be looking to in every way call into question the relationship between our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the following categories of peoples:
- “Mentally handicaped” people
- People who limp
- Married people with no kids
You will get from us soon information and updates about these exiting new initiatives. We pray that you will help us help God realize His plan for all mankind by donating to us very generously.
May God bless you and keep you a strong and righteous defenderer of the Faith!