Southern Baptist Convention Elects Its First Gay President

The largest Protestant denomination in the United States, the Southern Baptist Convention was founded in 1845 in protest against growing anti-slavery sentiment in America. For most of the 20th century the SBC served as spiritual ground-zero for Christian white supremacists.

In 1995 the SBC finally apologized for its appalling past, and announced to the world that they were no longer racist.

Last month the SBC elected its first African-American president.

The next day the SBC overwhelmingly passed a resolution affirming the belief that marriage is “the exclusive union of one man and one woman” and that “all sexual behavior outside of marriage is sinful.” The resolution further asserted that “homosexuality does not qualify as a class meriting special protections, like race and gender.”

Once can’t help but wonder how long it will be before the SBC elects its first gay president. I’m going to guess fifty years (though it may not take that long). I’m further going to imagine that at that time we will see something like this release issued from SBC’s headquarters:

The Southern Baptist Convention

Heroicaly battling history since 1845

 

July 2, 2062

The Southern Baptist Convention herbey announces that just yesterday we elected a DEFINITE HOMOSEXUAL as the new President of us.

This move tells the world that the Southern Baptist Convention have now officially ended our perceeved discrimination against darkies baby-makers jews the gays.

“Despite all the hangings and bullying and all that, we never did feel nothing but love and respect for all the people outsiders was always accusing us of hating,” said Clerve Mintoon, our president before the fag our new president. “And that’s why right now we are super excited about this historianic event. It’s gonna bring us a whole lot more members. Which is great, because we don’t really have all that many left anymore. So we’re sure hoping this helps with that.”

Even though we are now officially okay with people being gay, the Southern Baptist Convention still wants all it’s members to know that we will valiently continue in our nobel and traditional quest to make all of humanity the same and good. That is why we are also announcing today that from now on we will be looking to in every way call into question the relationship between our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the following categories of peoples:

  • Orientals
  • Muslimites
  • “Mentally handicaped” people
  • People who limp
  • Left-handeders
  • Married people with no kids
  • Vegetarians

You will get from us soon information and updates about these exiting new initiatives. We pray that you will help us help God realize His plan for all mankind by donating to us very generously.

May God bless you and keep you a strong and righteous defenderer of the Faith!

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Rebecca Smith via Facebook

    Did I just hear the Earth split open???

  • Elizabeth Fullerton via Facebook

    That is, pardon the expression, funny as hell.

  • Logan Judd via Facebook

    I thought the United Methodists were the largest denomination in the U.S.?

    • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

      Baptists are the largest. Southern Baptist is the largest sub-group with just under a third of all members. In my state Methodists fall in fourth place in members, behind the SB’s the Church of God and the Pentecostal Holiness.

      • Carol VanderNat

        I think the Methodists used to be….maybe before they started marginalizing people…..

        • Michael M

          The Methodists were the largest denomination in the USA at the beginning of the twentieth century. Eventually, the Catholics became the largest denomination (mostly due to immigration and fertility rates), but the Methodists were still the largest Protestant denomination until sometime in the mid-1970′s. Starting in about the 1960′s, though, the “mainline” Protestant denominations started losing membership while Evangelical, Pentecostal, and Charismatic denominations began expanding rapidly. Thus, today, the Southern Baptist Convention is the largest Protestant denomination and the Methodists are in the middle of the pack (they are still probably the largest of the “mainline” denominations, if that term even means anything anymore. If you lump the “non-denominational” and “independent” churches that nevertheless hold to Baptist and Pentecostal doctrine in with the organized denominations, the numbers are even more skewed.)

          There are many reasons why many people abandoned the mainline denominations for conservative churches, and gallons of ink have been spilled over them. But, contrary to what Carol said, I believe that it had a lot to do with the mainline groups not marginalizing enough. For a lot of people, it is not enough to be told that they are Good, and therefore Loved–they also want to know that people not like them are Bad, and therefore Hated. The sad truth is that one sure-fire way to get people into the pews is to elaborate how everyone not in those pews is lost, and must be found, and of course anyone who resists being found (because they don’t want to pay the price of sitting in that pew) is evil. Many of the “mainline” churches resist this logic, on the grounds that while it might be good business, it is not good religion.

  • http://www.jimreader.net Jim Reader

    As a former Southern Baptist, I think you’re being exceedingly optimistic with your estimate of 2062. I could, of course, be wrong – I often am, and being wrong in this instance would make me very happy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nwbuckeye Pat Hux via Facebook

    year 2062! funny!

  • http://www.facebook.com/douglas.sewell Doug Sewell via Facebook

    I remember saying “I hope it doesn’t take them 150 years like it did for slavery”, but you wrote this article so much better.

  • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

    Well crap! I’m hopelessly left handed.

    AND I bet your spell check was miffed at you when putting that proclamation together.

    • Mindy

      Me, too! I am in big trouble. My right hand serves for nothing more than balance.

      I also have curly hair. I imagine we’ll be targeted eventually.

      • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

        Wait, myopia wasn’t on that list was it? I certainly hope not because I need glasses to find my glasses. Heaven help us all if I tear a contact and I’m not near a replacement.

        • n.

          Myopia is right next to Europia, right? And that’s over near them Muslins and Ornamentals.

  • http://wilkinsonweb.com Dan Wilkinson

    So how long will it be before us left-handed married people with no kids are fully accepted?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Never. Heathen.

      • http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

        *snarffle*

    • Mindy

      No KIDS?!?!?! Dear freakin’ lord, Dan! What the hell did you get married for??? Sheesh. And you want protection from a church. What is WRONG with people like you????

      • http://wilkinsonweb.com Dan Wilkinson

        Cats. I have cats.

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

          What I would like to know is how many of us, really, are going to be all THAT surprised to discover that God is a cat?

          • Lymis

            It would be conclusive proof that the Bible is not completely inerrant. There is no way a cat created humanity in its image and ended up with us.

            On the other hand, that is just the sort of thing a cat would say to keep us from figuring out what’s really going on.

          • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

            “There is no way a cat created humanity in its image and ended up with us. On the other hand, that is just the sort of thing a cat would say to keep us from figuring out what’s really going on.”

            Heehee!!

            I am the chief litter box cleaner and food bowl filler of three cats. And believe it or not I managed to figure (probably from all the cat hair I inhale) the divine nature of cats and wrote my own religion around that concept. The rules exist on my blog.

          • n.

            Oh, i like that.

            Cats are so zen (except when they totally flip out, but always for what is to them a good reason.)

        • http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

          Huzzah for furbabies! :D I have two.

      • Lymis

        Mindy, it’s perfectly responsible for left-handed people not to want to pass that curse onto another generation. Sure, they can adopt, but who’d want them raising kids?

        • n.

          Yeah we’re ambidextrous (more or less) in this house and… Keeping cats is definitely safer.

  • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

    people of ornamental origin?..well that rules out trophy wives.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      I actually just changed that, SD, back to “Orientals.” (I wasn’t sure people would make the jump from “ornamentals” to “orientals.” My wife was fully voting for “Ornamentals,” but …. ?)

      • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

        Actually I at first read Oriental, then realized what it really said, then started laughing even harder.

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

          Oh, really?? So Cat (wife) was maybe right! Again.

          • http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

            I would’ve known. :D My mom like to try and make my head explode by saying “ornamentals.” I promise, though, she only says it to me.

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            REALLY? Hmm. So how common do you think that is? Do you think MOST people would get that joke–would get that it’s a mispronunciation of “Orientals”? (Which of course in and of itself is so lame I KNOW it works. But … “ornamentals” IS funnier, if that leap gets made. But it’s not funny at all if it doesn’t, of course.)

          • Mindy

            As the mother of two lovely Ornamentals, I am concerned that the SBC is planning on striking an initiative against them. I am more concerned, however, about what will happen to SBC headquarters when friends of said Os find out about this.

            I LOVE Ornamentals. I may start using it at home. ;)

          • http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

            Well, mom is 74, so I don’t know. I honestly think a lot of folks would get it, especially after reading Mindy’s comment. :)

  • Susie Bennett via Facebook

    Wow… I was shocked, wondering if this was actually true, but not at all surprised to see it was a joke!

  • Leslie Marbach

    I bet it was incredibly difficult to write as a Southern Baptist, but you seem to have nailed it.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      It DID take me an insane amount of time. Cuz I HATE the ol’ Southern-people-are-stupid canard. But … so … I did search for that impossible balance. So thanks.

  • Richard Williams via Facebook

    I connot believe it!

  • mike moore

    LMFAO!! I am completely filled with big platonic homo love for you.

    The next time you’re out in North Carolina, I’d like to take you and your wife out to Cracker Barrel (emphasis on “cracker”) for Sunday lunch.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Done! (Got your “fear” email, Mike. Great thought. Will probably adapt for next podcast.)

      • mike moore

        Honestly, I couldn’t do that to you and your wife. Or me. (too many Southern Baptists, and more importantly, the “Barrel” don’t serve liquor.) We’ll hit Grove Park.

        Regarding podcast, please remember that just because my Dad was a D.C. warlord who spent 30+ years building bigger, better, and faster (got it down to about 45 minutes, I think) ways to destroy every living thing on this planet, it doesn’t make him a bad person.

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

          No, I wasn’t going to talk about your dad. Just the whole fear thing generally.

          • mike moore

            wasn’t too worried.

            btw, a couple of my friends have listened to your podcasts … lots of love coming your way.

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            Oh, really? That’s nice to hear. I’ve been wondering if that thing is just too lame to even keep doing. I’m so … NOT a radio guy. But I do enjoy it. So I appreciate the encouragement. Thanks again.

          • mike moore

            what’s the old line, “he’s got a face made for radio?” JK. I can’t offer industry/professional insight, but my friends agree, they think you’ve got a great voice and style for radio.

            Any radio producers out there? Anyone? Anyone?

          • Jill

            Arrrgh! Say it ain’t so, John! I’m subscribed, and I listen to you instead of doing housework or answer annoying telemarketer calls.

            If I didn’t have your podcast, I’d have to deal with all that sh*t instead. Not to mention it’s inspiring and stuff… so don’t give up on us!

          • Diana A.

            It is not lame. It is no place close to lame. Don’t you dare stop doing your podcast–unless, of course, you really want to.

          • DR

            No no, they are so good!!

          • Allie

            I kind of hate podcasts in general, but I like yours. You’ve got a great informal delivery, it reminds me of talking to a friend on the phone.

          • http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

            DO IT. I’m behind on my podcast listening but just listened to the one where you got kicked out of church and it was great! You have a good voice for it and a good conversational tone. Don’t give up! Lots of folks listen who you will never hear from. I have a podcast, and I know for every person who calls or emails, there are lots who just listen. So, as long as you enjoy it, keep it up! We’re listening. :)

          • http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

            Um…by “DO IT” I meant keep podcasting. :)

    • DR

      I laughed OUT LOUD.

  • http://www.facebook.com/enjoeyme Joey Boyd via Facebook

    it’s NOT TRUE…AT ALL. They elected their first Black President. The very next day they reaffirmed their ‘ Marriage is for one man , one woman’ stance.

  • Ric Booth

    Hysterical! Love the in-line edits. Most of all, thanks for calling the SBC on their “historic” event. Please.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ricbooth56 ERic Booth via Facebook

    Yeah, John

  • Barbara Vaughan via Facebook

    LOL!

  • Gordon

    I hope that the SBC doesn’t exist in 2062.

  • Joseph Parker via Facebook

    ill have you know, my daddy kin spell. he went to a babtist cemetary.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      HAR!!!

  • Bp Mel Borham via Facebook

    Way too many people actually Believe this as true… Its NOT,,,,,unfortunately.

  • Melody

    Wow, John, you certainly got my attention! One day, a hundred years from now…

  • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

    I used to go to a Southern Baptist church, but never knew the official stances… From what I’ve heard and taken, “Baptists” can pretty much open up a church anywhere and not really listen to the ur-head-authority. Of course, this makes me wonder what kind of weird, false assumptions people had of me when I said I went to a Southern Baptist church… (“We think gay is sin” would be a *true* assumption for my old church, but racism would not be – we were a pretty diverse group. Also weird. And not prone to following strict symbolic authority. Most church study services were us doing Bible reading and asking questions and proposing theories).

    That said… 2062? Really? I found myself last night reading a bunch of articles on the Psychology Today website and skimmed past one that announced “Religion Will Be Gone in 2038!” – I didn’t read the article, as I’d already read a couple by the same author and knew I’d be reading more of the same on his “theory of affluence.” I did see a bit of the article summary as I was skimming that gave me pause; “Religion will go the way of horse-travel.” and I blinked and thought “Up until recently, I *worked at a barn.* What did I clean up after for two and a half years?” – and I can drive a couple of counties over to find people using horses and buggies as actual necessities. I got to thinking about all the things and ideas that are considered “obselete” now that people actually do still use. I have a disk of emulated Atari 2600 games (if you’re a gamer, you know that’s not just dinosuar, that’s Pre-Cambrian…) My guy’s sister makes chaimail, has spinning wheels in her home and wants to learn now to flint-knap….

    Unforutnately, I think discrimination is one of those things that never really goes out of style, too – only the targets change.

    • Don Rappe

      I don’t think they’ll ever discriminate against a good flint knapper!

    • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

      I still have an original Ninetendo system and about 15 games. I don’t feel so bad now.

      • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

        Those are like… collector’s items among the geek-set! Seriously. I regret giving my old NES away to my sister’s kids and now have some emulations of old games for more modern systems (such as the Legend of Zelda classic collection disk for GameCube – even GameCube is considered a bit dinosuarish now…) Over on the Zelda forum I go to, I like giving stuck people tips on playing and beating “Adventure of Link” – second in the series and considered one of the *hardest* games Nintendo ever made. I’ve beaten it more than once, but it’s weird to go back to something like that after seeing new computer-based stuff. I just got back from the movies – the latest Pixar thing and it’s like… yeah, wow computer graphics have advanced in my lifetime, but sometimes, I still like the old clunky stuff. Hobby. Nostalgia.

        Off topic.

    • Lymis

      I know next to nothing about how Baptist run things, but haven’t I heard pretty consistently about the SBC booting gay-affirming congregations from fellowship?

  • n.

    Note: that will probably be considered good english in 2062. Just so you know.

  • http://www.facebook.com/douglas.sewell Doug Sewell via Facebook

    @Logan Judd: I believe that the top three are Roman Catholic, Southern Baptist and United Methodist.

    • Michael M

      It gets difficult with some of the looser Protestant groups — some would say Pentecostals outnumber Methodists because there are so many independent congregations that come from that tradition, even though they are not part of an organized denomination. On the other hand, there are a substantial number of “Southern Baptist” churches that are not affiliated with the national Southern Baptist Convention.

  • Calvin R. Griffin via Facebook

    Whew! ROFLOL! John, you are too funny. Unbelievable? Yes!!! 50 yrs. or less? I don’t think so! 50 times 3 ???

  • Sandra Montgomery via Facebook

    It is a new day!!

  • Jeff Scott via Facebook

    Confuse me much John?

  • Jan Groff via Facebook

    About as likely as women being ordained.

    • Lymis

      That deliciously goes both ways, since it’s nearly impossible to believe in the Roman Catholic Church ordaining women this century, but the Anglicans and Episcopalians have been doing it for decades.

      Anyone who doesn’t think that the Baptists don’t already have (closeted) gay people in positions of authority isn’t paying attention.

  • Molly Crosby Pellettiere via Facebook

    no way. I know it is hot as Hell outside, but I didn’t notice it freezing over…

  • http://www.facebook.com/herb.gonzales Herb Gonzales via Facebook

    When this occurs it will no longer be a newsworthy event,now, if it happens in less than 10 years,i would be willing to say the Lord works…

  • John Williams

    I strongly believe they’ve have already elected a queer or two. However, they met their other main criteria–hypocrisy–and so they looked the other way (especially in the men’s room). They feel, I’m sure, that God sent them that “look the other way” system as an approved way of accomplishing Jesus’ instruction to turn the other cheek. (Yes, they still think cheeks only exist on their faces…) But seriously, folks: These people annoy me no end. They’ve always got to have someone to hate. How sad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/faungds Faun Weaver via Facebook

    Quite belevable, and quite sane. A rarity.

  • Thynkie Dink via Facebook

    Thanks John! That is a great story.

  • http://www.facebook.com/JohnShoreFans John Shore via Facebook

    I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  • Thynkie Dink via Facebook

    You can also look him up on wikipedia.

  • Aliyah Aldridge via Facebook

    To be honest, my fear isn’t that GLBT people will never be accepted into the church. That’s already happening. My fear is what will happen over the long run when we are.

    I’ve heard so often that GLBT people are the last scapegoat of Christianity – the very last hurdle before perfect love and perfect peace. I’m not so optimistic. I don’t see this long list of scapegoats as gradually being checked off – but as constantly being updated. By the time GLBT people get close enough to equality/acceptance, there will be another witch to hunt – and GLBT people will be grabbing the torches and pitchforks right along with the Southern Baptists. And when someone points out to them that the church did this to them and they should show more compassion – they will respond exactly as Bernice King, Eddie Long, etc. did. They will say that that’s a false comparison – this hate is not hate and this blind prejudice is totally unlike every single other blind prejudice in the long, long, LONG, list of blind prejudices perpetuated by the church – and that this group that they’re singling out is uniquely deserving of abuse and hated by God.

    Oh, but they’ll be doing it all in the name of love.

    I should add that I’m not attributing the tendencies toward scapegoating or blind hate entirely to Christianity – they’re actually bugs in human nature. But those bugs seem to be exacerbated and preserved by Christianity (religion in general, actually).

    If we think of religion as software, it has a major flaw. It tends to be run as a trusted program with full admin rights. So when a malicious script is added to it (blind hate, for example), the script is allowed to execute without any prompts. While a person might question the idea that “{x} are evil” given the condition that the idea is not introduced at a very young age or when the person is in some other compromised state, when “{x} are evil” is added under religion, it doesn’t encounter those same objections – it’s generally treated as… well, gospel truth.

    • http://kellythinkstoomuch.wordpress.com KellyK

      If we think of religion as software, it has a major flaw. It tends to be run as a trusted program with full admin rights. So when a malicious script is added to it (blind hate, for example), the script is allowed to execute without any prompts.

      That is a fantastic analogy.

      • Diana A.

        Agreed.

    • Lymis

      In one way, I don’t think you’re wrong. There are currently, unfortunately, plenty of racist gay people. And sexism is rampant among both gay men and lesbians.

      But the thing to remember is that for every Bernice King, there is a Coretta Scott King, who was a vocal and tireless ally of the LGBT community.

      What will happen when being LGB, and long after that, T are non-issues, is that SOME gay people will forget what discrimination felt like and join the hate parade, while others will continue to work for freedom and equality.

      What will happen is that, when we don’t have being oppressed to loosely clump us together in other people’s eyes as a single cohesive group, we’ll turn into what we already really are – a group of individual people with individual backgrounds who simply share a single characteristic in common.

      Being oppressed and harassed doesn’t automatically make us noble people. Some rise above it, some break under it, and some muddle through. It would be wonderful if the experience of being discriminated made us all more sensitive to discrimination against others, but it sadly doesn’t always work that way.

      It’s that pesky being human thing.

      • Diana A.

        Once again, your wisdom shines through. Thank you Lymis!

    • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

      “Religion as software” –

      Have you, pray tell, read the novel “Snow Crash?” Religion was characterized as a “virus” in it, but so was most human endeavor – agriculture, the building of cities… and language, *especially* language. Religions, in particular, were portryaed as viruses and counter-viruses – bad bugs/good bugs that all tied together with the “free will software” that was introduced into the human mind at a “Babel” event.

      Also, the United States is a now a bunch of tiny countries run by corporate franchises and you get your pizza delivered by the Italian-American Mafia.

      It’s a smart book, and also wickedly funny.

      • Aliyah Aldridge

        @Shadsie: I’ve heard of it, but haven’t checked it out. I’ll have to put it on the reading list.

        I’d hesitate to describe religion as malware, though the comparison to a rootkit has at times been tempting. I can’t think of any existing software that would be analogous in its scope to religion, though it would be fascinating to write a “religion” for a PC. It would be especially interesting to write conflicting “religions” for PCs on a network and watch the fireworks. :-D

      • n.

        I bet the pizza is better.

    • Allie

      Don’t worry, they may have elected a black president but they still hate black people plenty. Just read the comments section in my local (Memphis) paper any time there is a crime involving anyone either black or white. Black person commits a crime against black person: “So typical, send them all back to Africa.” Black person commits a crime against white person: “They need to bring back lynching.” White person commits crime against black person: “Well, can you blame him?” White person commits crime against white person: the three beleaguered black subscribers plus the token liberal all comment “SEE? Sometimes white people commit crimes!” and the comments section instantly devolves into people quoting statistics at each other about crime rates.

      On the other hand, I guess it’s progress that most people feel the need to pretend not to be racist in public now. I guess the SBC figured out black people earn tithe money too.

      • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

        So the fear and loathing is slightly

        more covert now? Yeah, in my neck of the woods, it would be true as well.

    • Jill

      Aliyah you just kinda blew my mind with your religion as software analogy. That was brilliant.

  • Aliyah Aldridge via Facebook

    @Thynkie, a friend once posted on her wall that she wanted to live her life so that Fred Phelps would want to picket her funeral. She considered that to mean that she would live a life in pursuit of justice, but in reality to get FP at your funeral, you pretty much have to be famous in some way. I think Westboro will be picketing Snooki when she finally croaks. As vile as they are, I think the folks at Westboro are the most effective GLBT activists of the era. They don’t dress up hate as something else to make it more palatable. They call a spade a spade and parade it around in all its spade-ness for the world to see.

    Also, to point out the obvious for any of you contemplating clicking the above link, it is most definitely not safe for work. Do not open godhatesfags.com or any of its sister sites at work – you will find yourself in a very stern meeting with IT and HR discussing company computer use policie

  • Aliyah Aldridge

    Also, to point out the obvious for any of you contemplating clicking the above link, it is most definitely not safe for work. Do not open godhatesfags.com or any of its sister sites at work – you will find yourself in a very stern meeting with IT and HR discussing company computer use policies.

  • Lymis

    John, this is completely ridiculous. Next you’ll want us to think that there will be gay men in the Catholic priesthood someday.

    • http://Www.unnameablecuriosity.wordpress.com Christine

      LOL!

  • Carl Malchoff via Facebook

    most likely

  • Warren Adams-Ockrassa via Facebook

    With any good fortune, the Baptist cult will have vanished utterly within fifty years.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jallen.rt Jim Allen via Facebook

    You’re off your rocker, John Shore. The SBC will elect a vegetarian president well *before* a gay one.

    • Aliyah Aldridge

      Jim, have you ever tried to come between a fat southerner and fried meat? I don’t know. I’d actually place bets on the gay guy.

    • mike moore

      I’m with Aliyah … when push comes to shove, Baptists will elect a gay before giving up Cracker Barrel.

      • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

        Or the Fried Chicken, meatloaf or ham options at the church potluck. We won’t even mention the dessert table quandry.

        • Allie

          Y’all are neglecting the obvious… 4th of July coming right up! I asked my dad’s nursing assistant what her family was having. The answer locally is almost always bbq or fried chicken, sometimes both in a big family. This lady started listing a bewildering array of food. I wish I had taken notes. BBQ pork shoulder, fried chicken, turkey legs, sausages, ribs, my goodness.

          I’m not sure Southerners think vegetarians are sinners, though. It’s more of a studied disdain.

          • Melody

            They just feel threatened by them, I think. They think if someone else is vegetarian will try to tell them not to eat any meat. Only problem is they’re confusing vegetarians with self-righteous animal-rights vegans, who still make up a minority of vegans. It’s their puffed up pride and fear of change that make conservative southerners so hostile toward anyone who doesn’t eat all kinds of meat.

        • Aliyah Aldridge

          Damn skippy. If we could get together a small army of big fat southern queers who could really throw down a bbq / southern spread, we might just bridge that divide. I can’t make biscuits like grandma, but I can hook up some chicken & grits.

      • Melody

        Especially Southern (not just SBC) Baptists. Cain’t have them durn librulls tellin’ us we cain’t eat no meat. Them’s commie pinko sissies! (Having grown up in the South, I know of which I speak, sadly.)

        • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

          We us Southerners do veggies…Grits…they’s made from corn…liberally salted or sweetened and drenched in butter. Cabbage…if its shredded and drenched in dressing. Potatoes, fried, mashed, or they can be cubed and added with eggs and drenched in dressing.

          Well you get the drift.

          • Jill

            Funny how we can’t find any common ground between religious groups, but I’ll bet money if we throw a few veggie burgers on the grill along with all the other great stuff mentioned, we could teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.

            Praise the Lord and pass the potato salad.

  • charles

    well as a member of their rejected, for some reason the Tina Turner song “Whats love got to do with it” came to mind…..

  • David S

    A guy I went to high school with created a character named Pastor Deacon Fred who would fits right in with the SBC folk. Y’all might enjoy a visit to Landover Baptist Church at http://www.landoverbaptist.org .

    • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

      I’ve been to that site. It was a few years ago and I was initially outraged until someone informed me that it was Christianity’s version of The Onion. Then I saw the hilarity in just the “what we believe” page. Your friend struck satirical gold with that website.

      • Matt

        That website gets me laughing every time…until I realize how much it blends in with for-serious, for-reals Christians church websites.

        But I would so get one of those “Heretic” t-shirts. Sinners identify yourselves proudly? Do I ever! :D <3

    • Diana A.

      Just visited the Landover Baptist Church website. Scary!


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