Letter from a sincere would-be polyamorous guy, or a fundy troll faking it?

crazy-writer-0041If you read or skimmed the reader comments to Christian Polyamory and/or One Man. Two Fiancees. One Prenup-nup, you know that many readers suspect that either or both of their letters were written not by men seeking enlightenment on how they can happily be husband to two wives, but rather by duplicitous Christian fundy trolls.

How I scoffed at those suspicions. I am, after all, a highly respected veteran blogger. Who’s better trained than I to smell a writing rat?

Oh, you think you share with me that refined talent, do you? Wanna test that theory? Great!

This morning I got in the letter below. (Or did I?) Turn on your B.S. detector, carefully read through it, and then tell us whether you think it’s real or fake. Good luck! You’re gonna need it for this one.

Dear “Pastor” John,

I have a question for you, since everyone knows what a genius you are at answering all kinds of dumbass questions from so-called “open-minded” liberal Christians just like me.

I am a the president and CEO of a company that is listed in the Fortune Top 50 Biggest Companies in America. I sure do love being so rich and successful! But you know what they say: “mo’ money, mo’ problems.” My problem is that I am deeply in love with two women. I know that sounds so “out there” it’s like somebody should take me out in the field behind my trailer and shoot me like the air-humping dog I am. But I don’t care if my lust for both these women at once is a foul sin that Satan has inserted into me like a hot trident handle he’s using to confuse me and make me lose all manly control.

Why should I care about that? The rules of God be damned, right, John? Anyone gets to do whatever they want to these days, don’t they? The heart wants what it wants—and what it wants must be right! And my heart (and maybe one or two other places on my super-toned executive body, hee-hee!) wants to have axle-busting porno sex with both of these professional and highly desirable women. And if the two of them want to get hot and heavy together while I kick back with some fried chicken and watch, so much the better! (One of the girls, by the way, is a blonde built just like Marilyn Monroe. You should see her in a bikini! The other is a brunette who looks just like the one on Gilligan’s Island who isn’t a movie star.)

I tell you, I can barely sleep at night wondering which one of those two women I want the most. Then I remember: Oh, yeah! I can have them both!

But then I sober up and recollect that I’m a solid, God-fearing Christian, not some Muslim America-hater who gets to have more wives than I have bottles in my beer bottle collection. Only one of my two hot girlfriends can be my wife. That’s how it used to be, anyway. I know that much. But today, with everyone cheering on the homos getting married left and right, who knows what the rules are? I sure don’t! All I know is there’s no use reading my Bible at all anymore, is there? I might as well throw that useless, man-written book right into the big pit with my other garbage! I might as well read the Koran—or even the Jewish bible! Maybe I’ll start reading the Hindu bible! I heard that’s pretty good!

Any advice you could give me and your other “liberal” Christian readers would be much appreciated, “Pastor” John. Whatever you say, I’ll do. WHY NOT????!!!!

Very sincerely yours,

[name withheld]

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • James

    This is someone trying very hard to emulate your writing style and failing. It’s fake, fake, fake like a Coach bag purchased in a back alley in China Town.

    • James

      The other thought that occurs to me is that it’s you writing to yourself to see whether we’ll believe it’s a fake letter from a fundie troll. But surely you wouldn’t be that perverse. Would you? I need more coffee to puzzle this one out.

      • http://coolingtwilight.com Dan Wilkinson

        But John did use a picture of himself typing in his basement at the start of the post…so maybe this is all just an elaborate hoax…

        • Sergei

          Aha- did not think of this one, Dan is onto sonething :)

      • James

        Or, John wanted to give us the mental image he has of the letter writer as a lonely man-child living in his mom’s basement and just didn’t have any other photos or clip-art to use for that…

    • Christie L.

      I think that our dear “Pastor” John wrote this. Plus it’s in the humor category. We all know how funny John is! :-D

      ..Maybe he’s developed a fundy alter-ego who’s now come out to play! Wouldn’t that be fun?!

      • James

        John’s blog posts have categories? My OCD meds must finally be working. I completely missed that little detail. ;)

        • Jill

          HA! Not only do John’s posts have categories, sometimes they even have a point.

          ;P

          • James

            you made me snort, Jill. good thing I already finished my coffee! ;)

        • Scott Amundsen

          That’s because I stole your OCD meds, James. It is dangerous to leave the bottles where I can get at them.

          :P

          • James

            you stole them so they started working? or you were stealing them previously and stopped some time before today? LOL

  • Scott Amundsen

    Snarky, but I like it. LOL

  • Mary Lynn Tobin

    Fundy. Obviously.

    “Muslim America-hater”?

    “no use reading the Bible anymore”?

    Nice try, but no.

    Actually, not even a nice try.

    Just no.

    • Mary Lynn Tobin

      On second thought – it’s you.

  • Michael

    Gee, I dunno, John. It’s just so hard to tell if this one is fake or not….. ;)

  • Dan(Chicago)

    Can’t one be his wife and the other his mistress? Isn’t that how they used to do it?

    • Lymis

      He doesn’t say he’s married to either one of them. Maybe he alternates.

      Hey, that might be why he has the trailer!

  • Bob

    I think it’s a tongue-in-cheek effort to discredit non-traditional marriage. The words about “homos” and Muslims in the last paragraph show that he is another Bible-thumping cretin using religion to justify hate.

  • Sergei

    the letter is not fake – it is clearly mocking, using sarcasm and hyperbale.

  • Nathan

    TOTALLY fake. SO fake — and completely annoying on SO many levels. UGH. That letter SMELLS — and so does the author.

    • James

      Well, he does look a bit sweaty in the photo…

      • Natalie

        NO U!

  • Tom

    I think his tone is too flip to be taken seriously on the question of wanting to marry two women.

  • Kerry

    Sorry you had to read that and I think I am even more sorry that I had to read that. (Sheesh – someone actually wrote that to you?).

    I’m thinking that person does not deserve to get their note published on your blog. I know you want to show us but if, I were you, I would delete it as a stand alone post. (Maybe post as a comment on your previous thread ?)

    I’m trying to use the “mental floss” right now myself.

    • Kerry

      It’s you isn’t it? Still think it should not be a blog post.

      The real hate is hard enough to read – why publish more?

      • Pamela

        I agree. This makes us look like jerks, and the comments make it worse.

  • Lonnie

    The writer seems like a vitriolic fundy with an ax to grind.

    However, as it is so reeking of red-neck that one wonders if the writer is a liberal (i.e. normal person) posing as a fundie to further illuminate the ignorance of the typical fundie.

    Hmmm… tricky one. I’ll go with the former

    • Lonnie

      Actually, I’ll go with the latter. And perhaps my fellow commenters are right: maybe John is the sneaky liberal channeling typical fundy silliness. (The Jewish and Buddhist “bibles”, for heaven’s sake.)

      It’s not hard to access one’s inner self-righteous fundy. In fact, I quite enjoy that game. :)

  • Barbara Rice

    Although this could easily have been written by a former “friend” who became abusive and crazed toward me after I called him out on his fundie BS…. this was written by John.

  • mike moore

    I hate how we’re mocking this poor fellow. This is – obviously – a heartfelt letter written by a tight-bodied successful capitalist who has come face-to-face with emotional issues which cannot be resolved by a Excel spreadsheet. He simply needs good, Christ-centered, advice.

    Oops, I gotta go … at 1:30, my schizophrenia kicks in, and you do not want to have to deal with my alter egos.

    • Jill

      LOVE that you can keep your alter egos on a schedule. Wish I could teach mine time management…

      • mike moore

        mike feels it’s important that we keep to a schedule.

  • Natalie

    My BS detector was going off like a Geiger counter next to a pool of radioactive waste.

    • Natalie

      …..wait…..Did you write this letter? ;)

  • Jennifer

    John!!!! That’s brilliant! Love your creativity!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  • Karen

    There is no fundy in the world smart enough to be this funny. Fundy FAIL.

  • Molly Bandit

    The Jewish Bible? Isn’t that… the Old Testament?

  • Peet

    Why do I feel like I’m 15 and standing in the back corner of my local liquor store? If this guy wanted to REALLY stick to the genre, the letter MUST start with “I only thought things like this happened in magazines, but you’ll never guess what happened to me.”

  • Rachel G.

    Why would a Fortune 50 CEO be in a trailer, wasting his time on the internets? Too much fried chicken, TV stars, and Hindu Bibles.

    • Rachel G.

      April 1st to the 10th power?

  • http://joeschilibarn@blogspot.com Joe Hayes

    You know, this just seems so authentic to me. Masterfully done if forged. From the grammatical errors to the bile and contempt and condescension the to the factual errors, it’s just too perfect. I’m declaring it a letter you actually received.

    Furthermore, I’ve known lots of corporate executives, and it wouldn’t surprise me a bit if this guy really is who he says he is. Success in business is about balls and getting what you want, not knowledge, judgement, wisdom, or grammar. I could TOTALLY see this as being completely authentic in every way.

    Again, if faked, masterfully done.

  • Pat Hux

    I dunno why, but my detector went off!

  • Pat Carrithers

    WOW! That’s a toughie. (They ARE idiots, aren’t they?)

  • Deborah Doehr Kim

    Super-rich but living in a trailer. Sure, why not?!? ;-)

  • Kathy Thigpen Tarbell

    BS

  • Chet Christian

    Troll

  • Kelly Withee

    Troll

  • Layne Beamer

    No contest…not even trying very hard…sarcasm DRIPPING off the page

  • shannon

    predictable and unimaginative as hell.

  • Seamus

    John, that has your style all over it. If this isn’t you, then this guy writes and thinks just like you. This isn’t a “Did Paul write Hebrews?” kind of dilemma. This is a “Did Luke write Acts of the Apostles?” kind of question, and we’re all pretty sure we know the answer.

  • Sally

    It could be a fundy making up stuff and grinding an ax: It’s transparent, using quotation marks around the words pastor and liberal, as well as the well-worn slippery slope argument (in this case there are two- accepting homosexual marriage means that there would now be NO rules for marriage, and 2- if we ignore the Bible, we might as well accept all other Scripture). The use of a slightly derogatory word for homosexual is another tip-off, as is the sarcastic tone in how, since the Bible doesn’t have to be followed (according to one set of rules), we may as well accept all holy scripture as definitive.

    It could also be John pretending to be a fundy making up stuff and grinding an ax.

  • Don Rappe

    Although the appearance of ignorance suggests a troll, the correct grammar and punctuation gives it away.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Well, I do edit the letters I get in. So … you know.

  • Chris

    Total troll because number one (understanding the psychology of what it takes to become a CEO should be in play here) The title CEO generally equates to psychopathic narcissistic person should be known as at least at the fortune 500 level. They do not need, nor generally require the population’s opinion when it comes to human relationships. These men and women generally do not have healthy personal relationships they have relationships based upon “appearance”. The women in these positions are generally just as empowered as the men so if these ladies are as successful as this man says they would just as likely be using him for “whatever” more like some sort of high powered boy toy and he wouldn’t have the opportunity to even entertain the thought of being in a polygamous relationship.

    This person is obviously a troll, intent on trying to make some sort of point based on the letter you received the other day. Peace and blessings!

  • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

    Why does letter seem to me like one written to the forums section of a christian porno Magazine?

    • Lymis

      “Saddleback After Dark?”

      • http://Www.cindymurphythinkingoutloud.blogspot.com Cindy

        LMAO

  • http://unchainedfaith.com Amy

    Zomg! It’s 50 Shades of John Shore! Well done.

  • skip johnston

    He had me at “Pastor”…

  • Michael McKelvey

    Is it a fundamentalist trolling John, or is it John trolling his readers? Or is it John trolling fundamentalists who troll John?

    It is the Meta-Troll.

    • http://notjustablondemomwith3boys.blogspot.com Not Just A Blonde

      Lol!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Meta-Troll! I love it. If I were also an illustrator I would so write that graphic novel.

      • Elizabeth

        Slap it on a t-shirt. Kick up the commenters to an even higher level.

        • Jill

          Underneath a slick Meta-Troll drawing would be the Shoreism:

          “I don’t like winning attitudes too much.” — from my favorite podcast, episode 6, 6:20.

          And on the back, another Shoreism favorite: *snerft*!

  • Lymis

    No head of a Fortune 50 company would ever consider himself rich, or if he did, he would certainly keep that opinion to himself. That alone invalidates the letter as serious.

    And “behind my trailer?” Fortune 50 CEO’s live in trailers now? Wow.

  • Lymis

    And:

    “Axel: Noun

    A jump in figure skating with a forward takeoff from the forward outside edge of one skate to the backward outside edge of the other,…”

    If he’s having “axel-busting porno sex,” he certainly must have a toned executive body, all his gleeful hees notwithstanding. Doing it with two women at once must make for some tricky dismounts….

    I certainly hope he stretches first.

    • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

      Hahahahaha! Sorry I couldn’t help imaging pulled hamstrings and trying to deal with all that spandex and glitter.

  • Lymis

    “But today, with everyone cheering on the homos getting married left and right”

    Hoax. Pretty much nobody on the right is cheering on us homos.

    • https://elizainkwell.wordpress.com/ Elizabeth

      Apparently this guy is confusing Muslims with fundamentalist Mormons.

      • http://allegro63.wordpress.com sdparris

        well both Mormon and Muslim start with the letter m and have two syllables so I can see how confusion could occur

  • Lymis

    “But I don’t care if my lust for both these women at once is a foul sin that Satan has inserted into me like a hot trident handle…”

    Ow.

    Just… ow.

  • Anne

    Bravo, John! Carl Reiner would approve, I’m sure.

  • Hazel

    Either a fake Fundy troll (love that term BTW) or a guy day dreaming and the truth is neither woman wants anything to do with him!

  • Judy

    My wager is on John being the author. Either that or the troll is good at imitating style. Imitation is a form of flattery, right?

    • http://Ingridspeak.com Ingrid Moore

      I was thinking the same thing Judy! There was too much snark. I think John is tricking us with this letter. LOL

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

        I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.

        • http://notjustablondemomwith3boys.blogspot.com Not Just A Blonde

          Maybe I underestimate! Man oh man I hope it was you!

    • David Sinclair

      Judy,

      Everybody knows that super-toned executives don’t have beer bottle collections! Only an ignoramus would have written that. John would never have made that fatal mistake.

  • n.

    should have just published this as a parody.

    • n.

      i can’t be the only one that saw where somebody put you up to this in the comments on the previous post.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

        ??

        • n.

          well dang, now i can’t find it.
          but the other day i saw some commenters saying something like that you should write one yourself and have people guess.

          • http://notjustablondemomwith3boys.blogspot.com Not Just A Blonde

            I can totally see the bs so it couldn’t be John… surely he could do better! Ha! Unless this is just an easy warm up for later?? ;)

  • Matt

    *snort*

    This is so obviously you it hurts, John.

    But with Poe’s Law always in effect, you could probably pass this off as genuine to those not in the know. Protip: Glue your Caps Lock key down for extra effect. It’s all in the details, my friend.

  • Allie

    Cute!

    Just want to point out that if you disapprove of polygamy, it’s not because of the Bible. The Bible is fine with polygamy. It’s us modern human-being type persons with our insistence on fairness and secular morality who decided that what was good enough for David and Isaac wasn’t good enough for New York City. Which means that, amazement, if you remove the Bible as a basis for law and morality, we don’t all run rampant in the streets.

  • http://www.greggdeselms.com Gregg DesElms

    Oy. And HOW, again, do I get those minutes back that it took me to read all this?

    Gregg L. DesElms

    Napa, California USA

    gregg at greggdeselms dot com

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      You don’t.

      bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

      • Linda

        Good answer!!

  • Brian

    I think I detect a touch of sarcasm? Maybe?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Really? Where?

  • http://blueberrypancakesfordinner.wordpress.com Erika

    count me on team johnisthepolytroll

  • Leslie

    My vote is fundie troll. I got that from the very first line when the word Pastor is put in quotes. Fundies love quotation marks. They think it takes away from the meaning of the word somehow, questioning its validity.

  • Nicole

    Oh, John. Writing letters to yourself. ;) I think the quotes around Pastor gives it away. *hug*

  • Susan in NY

    John, you are the writer.

    Susan in NY

  • Katrina

    It has to be John Shore. The grammar and punctuation are flawless.


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