Spending time with family at the holidays can be very difficult, even impossible, for some of us. In my recent post, “Home for the holidays when a parent is an alcoholic or addict,” I shared some of my experience dealing with visiting family at the holidays, as what they sometimes call (ironically) a double winner — I’m a sober alcoholic myself and I am the child of an alcoholic parent — and the issues and challenges that can come up. As I said then, if the situation at home isn’t safe, you don’t have to go. But if it’s more on the level of annoying, there are things you can do to help make the best of it. If you are heading into an uncomfortable family situation this weekend or next week, here are 6 simple tips to help you make it through. I learned them through hard-fought experience. I hope they’re helpful:
If conversation tends to turn argumentative or strident, steer towards uplifting topics you can agree on, and away from things you know you always end up fighting over. Which is more important, proving a point or having a happy family event? (See also my article on dealing with political and religious differences at family gatherings.)
If your best effort to keep conversation light isn’t working, step away from that conversation and rejoin a larger group. Or perhaps throw yourself into love and service, helping with the food and asking how others are doing.
If you feel your level of agitation or unsafeness rising significantly, take a break. Go for a walk; go outside for a smoke if you smoke; run an errand to pick up something needed later; take a nap. The point is to break the momentum.
If a relative (or anyone for that matter) is being difficult (after you’ve changed the subject or found an excuse to get away) take a minute to look past what was annoying or angering you, to that of God in them. Easier said than done, but that’s the goal. Just a minute’s prayer or reflection on what’s good about them, and remembering that none of us is perfect.
When you are visiting from out of town, if at all practical stay nearby in a hotel and come over each day for activities, then leave at the end of the day, or whenever you feel the need. Staying in the home of the family you’re visiting, on top of each other 24/7, can lead to feeling trapped and fuses can get a lot shorter.
Ultimately, remember that even if you feel like you don’t want to be there, you chose to be there because you value family, so try to make it the best experience possible, for yourself and for everyone. Making sure they know you’re annoyed isn’t helping anyone.
Please share your own tips below in comments, and come back here and share your experience during the holidays if you want.
Have a safe and happy Christmas, everyone!
(Thanks to reader GarlicClove for pointing out that this post, which was originally geared toward family situations involving alcohol is just as applicable to any family gathering. I’ve adjusted the wording to reflect that.)
You can see all my Advent-themed pieces together at patheos.com/blogs/philfoxrose/tag/advent/. Please share this link, or just one to my blog, with anyone you think might be interested. Thanks!