Greatest Movie Ever

(Note:  The Jerk swears a lot.  What do you want?  He’s The Jerk.  Tomorrow, the blog will be heartwarming again.  –Simcha)

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I’ve been bumped!

Here’s the deal: Tuesdays seem to be prime blog viewing days (what do you ladies do with your weeks?) and every time I post a movie review, Simcha loses at least one subscriber. OK, four.

Now, I could get all angried up about getting moved, but I get paid the same amount no matter when this thing runs. Also, now I don’t have to be that careful with what I write anymore. (That was a warning for the squeamish.)

Onto the movie!

Tango & Cash

Embrace the Awesome!

Holy shit! This is the most awesome fucking movie ever made! Fuck you, Orson Welles, Citizen Kane is nowhere near as awesome as one half of a drop of sweat coming off of Stallone during any one of his sweaty, sweaty scenes. I don’t really know what that means.

OK, OK, OK, OK, so Tango (Sylvester Stallone) is this rich guy, who is one of L.A.’s best narcotics cops, and Cash (Kurt Russell) is this slobby, scruffy guy who is also one of L.A.’s best narcotics cops, AND, get this, they don’t like each other! Did you even see that coming? I know, right, totally unexpected, then, the super bad guy no one knows about (Jack Palance playing some guy whose name I forget) totally frames Tango AND Cash for a murder … THAT THEY DIDN’T EVEN DO! Oh, man, then, they have to escape from prison, and their captain can only give them 24 hours to clear their names, and Cash meets Tango’s little sister (Terri Hatcher) who is like some stripper, except she keeps her clothes on and plays the drums during her dance,  and Cash really likes her, and Tango totally doesn’t like that, but she’s like “I can do what I want,” and Cash is totally into her, and then they track down all the guys who frame them, and it leads to Jack Palance, who is always in his super secret lair kissing rats, and they go to the guy who made boot guns for Cash and he gives them this totally sweet truck with like machine guns on it, but he’s like “I need that back,” and Tango and Cash are like “We won’t scratch it,“ and they use it to find the super secret lair and the truck gets SQUISHED by some really big things, and then Jack Palance pushes the self destruct button, right? I know. And Tango and Cash chase him to his hall of mirrors (just like Enter The Dragon!) and Jack Palance has Tango’s sister, but Tango and Cash totally save her and kill Jack Palance just in time to run out of the super secret lair before it EXPLODES!!! OK, OK, OK, OK, whew.

Totally. Fucking. Awesome.

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As you may have guessed, I kind of like this movie, a lot. Perhaps this hampers my ability to provide a critique, but I don’t care.

Let’s start with Sylvester Stallone.

Yo

Most people know he got his start with Rocky, but they forget he wrote that movie. Yeah, I know, this guy is not actually illiterate. Watch Rocky again, it is a bittersweet drama with a ton of gritty heart. That guy went on the be Tango.

Who says cocaine and steroids are bad for you?

Kurt Russell is the ultimate utility infielder of movies. This guy started acting as a kid, doing real solid work his whole life, but never being in the truly big pictures. Got a modest budget action movie but  you can’t afford Harrison Ford, or Tom Cruise, or John Saxon? You go get Kurt Russell. Not only will he be a decent leading man, he’ll do whatever carpentry you need done on the set.

Did I forget to mention he's in the union?

The other thing you have to kind of like about Kurt Russell is he is one of the few actors out there you seems like a semi-decent human. He’s been with Goldie Hawn forever. They have bunch of kids and they seem like nice people. So what if she’s transgendered.

I shtupped Angela Lansbury.

Jack Palance is a genuine Icon. Shane, and, um, Shane. Crap. I thought this guy made better movies than he really did. I know he won an Oscar for City Slickers, but that was one of those, “We feel bad you’re gonna die soon,” awards.

I also starred as Mr. Kitch in The Secrets of a Sensuous Nurse.

In any normal movie, the scene where Jack Palance starts kissing the two rats he has named Tango and Cash would be the biggest WTF moment of the whole enterprise. Not this movie. Not by a long shot.

OK, so the director, Andrey Konchalovski, co-wrote Andrei Rublev. That’s something. Right? It shows this is a man with real, lasting talent, despite whatever duds he might has made in a long career. Right?

Oh. I see.

Well, then there’s Terri Hatcher. Who am I kidding. This is a woman who can’t hold her own acting in a scene with Sylvester Stallone. She probably took her clothes off for money in real life, yet look how unconvincing she is as a drumming stripper.

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Probably because in this movie, she kept her dignity, as it were, by keeping her top on. That must have been a new experience for Terri. Speaking of dignity, check out Russell in drag.

Wait a damn minute! Has anyone ever seen Kurt and Goldie in the same place at the same time?

The guy’s a pro, like I said. The script calls for him to get up in drag, he’s gonna do it, and be at least twice as convincing as Terri Hatcher!

OK, so the parental warning: If you like this kind of thing, maybe you should not ever become a parent. We’ve got bad language, lotsa violence, some random boobs, and Sly and Kurt doing a prison shower scene.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get Andrew Sullivan to read your blog.

So, that’s Tango & Cash. No one will be able to top it. Ever. Unless they make a sequel. I’m gonna start on my spec screenplay tonight. Tango & Cash & The Jerk!

Next week, if Simcha hasn’t broken my fingers, I will review one of the following movies: Man With the Golden Gun, which features Christopher Lee’s third nipple; The Lost Boys, a fabulous vampire movie featuring nothing gay whatsoever; or The Legend of Billie Jean, featuring Helen Slater’s, um, shall we say, assets.

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  • http://harvestthehome.blogspot.com Paula

    Great review. Interesting thought about Kurt and Goldie. Hmmm. He is casholicious. Especially when wearing red tennis shoes.

  • http://wordgirl5.typepad.com/apathy_lounge apathy lounge

    Full disclosure: Have never seen Tango & Cash. I’ve loved Kurt Russell since he was a kid in Disney movies. And Stallone? Has his moments. He’s not Oscar material, but he doesn’t stink up the screen like Teri Hatcher does. I’m just saying.

  • http://sortacrunchy.typepad.com Megan@SortaCrunchy

    This is bananas. Best movie REVIEW ever. I’ve only seen bits and pieces of T&C, but hubby is a life-long fan. I’m forwarding this on to him.

    Next week – THE LOST BOYS!!!!!!!! Please oh please oh please?!

  • Sue

    I think I have to see this movie now.

    And while I find it frefreshing seeing the f word, I offer the the following tip. Just place in f at the beginning of the word that the f word is supposed to precede.

    eg. This movie is fawesome. Or that scene was a friot.

  • Another Julie

    Terri Hatcher would have had more dignity with her top off. I’m sure of it. Other than that, stellar review.

  • Chrissy

    Wow, I’m a grown up. I’m cool.

    I can say Fuck.

  • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

    Sorry about the swears Chrissy. Maybe there should have been some kind of a warning, or something. I’ll get a refund out in the mail for you. So far, I’ve only lost Simcha three subscribers. I must be losing my touch.

  • http://annafirtree.livejournal.com Anna M.

    “He’s been with Goldie Hawn forever.”

    Seriously? They were so cute together in the movie Overboard, I never knew they were really together.

  • http://misspurcell.wordpress.com Kate of the Unicorn

    Love the review. Honestly, it really does read like a movie report that one of my grade twelve students would write. The concluding sentence for one student’s review for “Never Back Down” went something like this. “I will NEVER BACK DOWN until you see this movie.” Another’s review for “The Notebook” was written (not kidding) on scented paper and every “i” was dotted with, you guessed it, a heart! So I may use your reviews as exemplars for my class.

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  • http://www.harovia.com/ MarcYS

    Great post! :D

    [url=http://www.harovia.com/]Harovia[/url]

  • zane grey

    I’m a guy (a guy’s guy even). I swear a lot. I was shooting my .45 at target practice last weekend, while chewing tobacco. But, I try not to swear a lot, in public, on my wife’s Catholic blog. I just don’t understand the thinking here. I love you guys and this blog. But, it just seems like The Jerk should get his own blog (which I will read!). F-bombs on a Catholic mom blog is like F-bombs in a kindergarten classroom. Jolting. Out of place. Bizarre. It seems like someone is trying to make a point. “Do you find this shocking, nerdy reader?!?! Grow up. Stop being a stick in the mud!” Kind of feels like I’m being lectured to, or something. Anyway, just my two cents. I do love your sense of humor though. And your blog.

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

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