Dating after a divorce or break-up can be exhilarating, but when you have children, it’s a risky proposition. Often, I meet with clients who are single parents and they leap headlong into a new relationship — even move in with someone — only to face a devastating breakup.
As a single parent, it’s normal to seek companionship and a sexual relationship after a breakup or divorce, but it’s important to take it slow when dating. Ask yourself, “Is my new love interest a good fit for my family or am I simply looking to have a casual relationship?” After all, you might have great chemistry with someone, but they might not be best suited to introduce to your children.
8 questions every single parent must ask a new love before diving in head-first:
- How long was your longest committed relationship and how many times have you been married?
- Why did your marriage (or last committed relationship) end?
- What is your typical way of dealing with conflict?
- How do you feel about making a commitment to someone with children?
- How do you feel about being a stepparent one day and what do you believe the role of a stepparent should be?
- How do you like to spend your free time and do you prefer solo, couples, or family activities?
- What are your values and beliefs about infidelity?
- What is your vision for your life in five, 10, and 20 years?
Next, if you feel satisfied that your new love interest is a good fit for your family, you might wonder what’s the best time to introduce him or her to your children. This is the most common question single parents ask me and my response is: Don’t hurry the process. Even if you are madly in love and seem to have a lot in common with your new partner, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire.
Always prepare your children for meeting a new love interest when you find a person that you are becoming seriously involved with. Keep in mind that the setting and timing of an introduction is vital to your success. It’s best to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations. Meeting at an informal restaurant or going out for ice cream are ideal settings for a first meeting.
Divorce expert Rosalind Sedacca recommends these tips: “Ask the kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened by the thought that they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger. How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with the children.”
Keep in mind that just because you are infatuated with your new love, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings. In fact, children of divorce often feel rivalry with their parents’ love interests, especially the first few years after the divorce. Children need time to adjust to their parents’ split, and it can take at least two years for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions.
The secret to competent parenting post-divorce is allow your children time for healing and introducing a new love interest too soon might complicate, delay or damage this process. Have realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner.
I’ve witnessed many new relationships go south when a partner is introduced to children too quickly. It can cause anguish for everyone, especially children who are probably holding on to the idea that their parents will eventually get back together. It may take them time to accept a new person in their life.
Give everyone time and encourage your new partner and kids to spend time doing things they enjoy (such as playing games, attending sporting events or cultural activities). Hopefully, as a result of spending time together, everyone will warm up to each other and positive relationships will develop.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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