Jose Cuervo Tequila Cookies

Thanks to reader Dick, who has certainly got me curious about these, and I needed something new to bring for Thanksgiving!

Tequila Cookies, Wheeeeee!

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Okay, joking aside, Julie has a real cocktail recipe for the holidays

Okay, and to really get into the spirit of things:

If you’re trying to keep up, that’s Fay McKay, and she’s singing about 12 dry Martinis,11 Bloody Marys, 10 dry Manhattans, 9 Margaritas, 8 sweet Old Fashioneds, 7 Johnnie Walkers, 6 Cuba Libres, 5 dry Rob Roys, 4 Old Fitzgeralds, 3 Old Crows, 2 Cutty Sarks…

First time I heard that I was driving, and had to pull over because I was laughing so hard.

About Elizabeth Scalia
  • dry valleys

    I’ll be drinking Pernod at the weekend. No one else likes it though- I’ve had bar staff refuse to serve it to me before!

    Perhaps the Drunken Bakers could help you with your baking, eh?

  • Joan of Argghh!

    Fay McKay is teh awesome and this recipe suits my mood so blumsibely… er. . . sublimey. . . uh. . .yeah, it’s eff’ uh. . brilliant . . . something.

    I’ve got all day sober to Sunday up in.

  • Karl Lembke

    One Tequila
    Two Tequila
    Three Tequila

  • http://!!!! kelleybee

    YaH.! htat toooooooooo

  • Jo Anne

    Ohhhhhhhh I laughed so hard my head hurts! I made so much noise the cats left the room. The golden retriever, however, shares my sense of humor……..he got a big kick out of the cookie recipe, too.

  • saveliberty

    Good thing that there are no matches required for this recipe! :o

  • newton

    Any drunk girl at my college would have collapsed after the fifth one! LOLOLOLOLOL!

  • newton

    BTW, it’s too darned hilarious!

  • Victor

    >>First time I heard that I was driving, and had to pull over because I was laughing so hard.<<

    "IT" was best that you pulled over Anchoress cause you might have spilled some of "IT".

    I hear ya! Be nice Victor, I said I was simply driving and not "Drinking" at the time!

    Sorry my mistake! :)


  • Elaine

    This is simply a new twist on the famous “Best Rum Cake Ever” recipe, which features a batter with “fried druit” to be “mixed mell” and pried out of the beater with a “drewscriver” if it gets stuck :-)

  • kimsch

    I am bringing an apple tart and a red velvet cake to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving.

  • Ellen

    I will be the only non-drinker at my large family Thanksgiving feast. I hate the taste of booze, although I do like it in baked goods. I have a bourbon chocolate bundt cake recipe that is so delicious, but drink bourbon? No way.

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  • cathyf

    When my daughter was about 3, the Jose Cuervo song was on the radio all the time, and she loved singing along with it. I wondered what would happen if she volunteered at school as to HOW she knew how to count to 10 — would we have DCFS on our doorstep?

  • dry valleys

    Here, let’s all eat The Smortuary!

  • Hannah


    I think you are right, someone forgot to change this part:

    “Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.”

  • Joe
  • Jeanette

    Really funny. True story: When I was about 19 my best friend had her own apartment (trailer) and I went over to visit her while my now husband was at a fraternity meeting. We were to go out later that night.

    My friend’s boyfriend was there and thought I was a drinker so he started mixing strong bloody marys. I sat on the couch and downed three of them in no time. I felt no effects.

    Then I got up. I bounced from one side of her hallway wall to the other and made it to the bathroom.

    Now I had to drive home. They offered but I said I was OK. God had to be with me. I made it home, but because I’m short had to sit on a couch corner pillow to see over the steering wheel.

    It fell out and I had to bend over to get it. Bad mistake. Now I was dizzy.

    I walked into the house where my mother was watching a Frank Sinatra special and slurred something about him getting old. Went to my bedroom and waited for my honey to call me, all the while praying the room would stop spinning.

    He picked me up, said, “Your drunk!” and took me for a long drive to Bar Harbor, Maine.

    I got thirsty and insisted I go into the store myself to buy a Coke. Saw myself in the glass and thought I looked drunk. Came out and tried to drink the Coke but somehow missed my mouth. Poured Coke down the front of my best and most expensive dress.

    My sweetheart brought me back home but his old car door opened when he made a left turn and my purse fell out onto the road. I retrieved it and got dizzy again. Did I mention I puked all over his car window and door?

    He told me he was going to take me back to the frat house and hose me down but I said I’d be OK.

    Went back home, into the bathroom to change and use the facilities and went to the spinning bed.

    Woke up the next day as thirsty as I’ve ever been, so I went to the bathroom to get changed and walk to the corner market to pick up a half gallon of chocolate milk.

    On the stand I saw my shoes from the night before, covered in tomato juice and a few pieces of hot dog I had eaten for supper.

    Went to the store and got the milk, drank it all down and slept it off.

    Until she died my mother never mentioned she knew I was drunk.

    Not fun but it’s funny now, especially when I hear this song. My husband says there’s nothing worse than a drunk woman. I drank socially after that and then quit altogether.

    [Sadly, I think many of us have a story that bears some similarity. One reason I am not a great drinker is because I once got polluted on champagne -I've never been as sick as I was the next day- and learned my lesson. I never wanted to feel that again! -admin]