Why God, why, would you allow this to happen…

… The thing about vodka, good vodka, is that it shouldn’t have a taste. That is what makes vodka such a wonderful, glorious thing. You can mix it with other alcohols or put it in just about everything – like Slurpees and Cherry Berry Chillers. Vodka is not supposed to have flavors like marshamllow, birthday cake, and s’mores. It’s unnatural. Unholy. A sacrilege!

If you have to do this unspeakably vile thing to vodka then perhaps you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol at all. Why would anyone do such a thing to Vodka? Pure, innocent Vodka. It makes the heart weep.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • http://twitter.com/CatholicDrinkie Catholic Drinkie

    Now you can turn your vodka into bourbon … or gin … or Irish cream! This is a worse crime than what you discussed above. http://gizmodo.com/5920592/magic-potion-magically-transforms-vodka-into-any-liquor-you-like

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      Damn you, Science. Damn you straight to Hell.  

  • http://patheos.com/blogs/kathyschiffer Kathy Schiffer

    How else will you get the ten-year-olds to drink it?

    • Mark Abeln

      You beat me to it. My first impression of all this was “vodka for children.” 

      But I think that this is all about equality. Why should only grown men be alcoholics?

  • M. Swaim

    To paraphrase a friend, if you’re downing flavored vodka, you have two drinking problems.

    • sacredcrocheter

      Amen from a friend of Bill W.

  • Timothy Canny

    Ahhh, whatever. Vodka is for people who can’t handle Everclear.

    • kenneth

      And Everclear is for people who can’t handle absinthe, which in turn is for people who can’t handle raw diethyl ether! Seriously, look up “Draperstown” and ether sometime. In the middle 1800s in Ireland, people actually took to snorting and even drinking the stuff! I used to think the Russians and their vodka represented the apex of drinking as a form of stoicism and existential despair….  I won’t ride the bus any farther than absinthe, personally.

       As for flavored vodkas, there is something sad and degenerate and inauthentic about the whole thing. It’s like watching a wild rainforest Indian reduced to playing a caricature of himself to hustle spare change for tourists, or seeing Burning Man as an air-conditioned Disney exhibit or theme restaurant. 

  • Maskaggs

    I’ll answer your question with another question. Why does God allow things like bourbon and gin to exist AND require me to be a productive member of society (i.e. work and be a responsible human)? I can’t decide if heaven smells like charred oak barrels or juniper berries. Probably never find out, anyway.

    • Fr. Frank

      It smells like juniper berries — and bacon.

  • Karen G

    My husband is on a business trip this week and he was just telling me about this speakeasy he went to last night that had bacon flavored vodka.  Apparently it wasn’t a good flavor.

  • Ellyn von Huben

    Since some comments have segued into gin….I’ve always liked gin.  It smells like December 24th when my father has just brought in the Christmas tree.  (Then again…there is the matter of over consumption.  My best description of my prolonged, severe morning sickness was “it’s like a gin hangover than just doesn’t end.” )

    And perhaps, if too much fluffy marshmallow vodka helps teach a young person the pain of misuse of liquor, it may be a blessing in disguise.  We can hope.  Otherwise, I would have to declare it a pure abomination.

  • Sally Thomas

    As long as they don’t come up with marshmallow-vodka-flavored lattes, I’m ok . . . 

    You can do what you want to vodka. Just keep all that stuff out of my coffee. 

  • robertgwirth

    I have been on the wagon since 1986 (and my drink of choice was beer).
    But I also have many Ukrainian and Polish friends.
    Kat is right: flavored vodka is an abomination unto the Lord.
    Господи помилуй!   ¡Señor ten piedad!  Lord have mercy!

  • http://profiles.google.com/christinehebert65 Christine Hebert

    Oh but, Kat, chocolate wine  and whipped cream vodka (3 to 1 ratio) with crushed ice….heavenly!  I have a friend who owns a liquor store   ;)

  • Christian LeBlanc

    Yes. Russians don’t call it “little water” for nothing.

  • Seraphic

    Good vodkas have their own distinctive flavours, however.

  • Amlovesmusic

    Have you tasted an orange julius?? Taste one, and then try to tell me that vanilla vodka is evil.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/DM6MGQLIHQXJ27RBTU4XSCEKF4 David

    The most pernicious aspect of flavored vodka is that it has a lower alcohol content than the real stuff.  

  • RaiderHop

    I admire your passionate stance on this.  I’m going to link this on my page, The Order of the Canted Glass.  Feel free to check it out.  https://www.facebook.com/TheOrderOfTheCantedGlass

  • http://www.facebook.com/neal.l.meyer Neal Meyer

    Vodka?  meh.  a poor man’s alternative to whiskey.  

  • doughboy

    oh i dunno, kat, i love me some stoli vanil (double shot) with frangelico and tia maria blended with pecan praline ice cream.

  • MissJean

    Well, I personally make limoncello, which has a vodka as the base. But it is in turn used for mixed drinks.