Thank you, God, for men who smell like cigars…

… Brace yourself. I’m about to get all surly. If there’s anything I can do well, it’s being surly. And nothing, I mean nothing, gets me surlier than those daily reminders of my spinsterhood from Catholic Match that arrive in my email’s inbox on an almost daily basis. Never mind that you can’t unsubscribe and deleting your account doesn’t work either and I refuse to change my email address… they own you forever once you join.

Needless to say my foul mood was already brewing when I walked to the post office and found the line out the door. But wait, what’s this? That intoxicating smell. I had the wonderful pleasure of standing behind a man that smelled like cigars and aftershave. I leaned in close and in a totally super creepy way inhaled deeply. My foul mood was instantly vanquished as my olfactory senses swam in the scent of manliness and smoke.

Two thoughts quickly followed … 1) I sorely miss men and 2) why, oh why, can’t smoking be good for you?!

In case you can’t tell, I used to smoke. Sometimes the old urges come back when I’m out enjoying a few adult libations with friends or I’m having a particularly hellish day, or like today, I catch a delicious whiff rising off the wind.

My Lord, that man smelled heavenly. He smelled like a Man. Which instantly made me miss Men. Real Men, like my grandfather who smoked Swisher Sweets and drank Scotch. Ah, Men. Remember those?

Now they all smell like revolting Axe Body Spray, have over groomed eyebrows, and dress like they’re stuck in perpetual adolescence. God, I miss men.

Not manly! Not manly!

I blame modern feminisism for killing manhood, but that’s a whole other screed.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • http://twitter.com/dlongenecker1 Dwight Longenecker

    I have black Russian cigarettes and Bourbon. Does that count?

    • bill petro

      Fr. L – You’re married. Back off. “But he’s a priest?”, you say. Yes he is. :)

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

        I think you completely misread his comment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/agnes.b.bullock Agnes B. Bullock

    My dad smoked a pipe and I loved his tobacco-

  • Ignorant Redneck

    I refuse to wear after shave–I was taught in Jungle School that it draws insects, and in Recondo school that many nationalities can smell it while you’re being Sneaky. Cigars are good, though.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      I dated a whacked out ex-seal prepper who was building his own tank and he used to say that Americans smell like soap and make easy targets too.

      • disqus_NAVsMmJ24g

        Wow, that is quite a visual picture you painted there. Preppers are quite en vogue now. Perhaps you can find one a little more normal? A greater chance there than the emasculated suburban male so prevalent today. I have come to the conclusion that suburbia is our ruin.

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

          He was definitely an odd bird. The Navy “did things” to him, he’d say. He was always prepping for the “Revolution”. He’s little brother is a local priest now.

    • Karen

      My husband has never worn aftershave. He smells like, well, he’s supposed to. He bathes regularly and smells just fine without dousing himself in perfumey liquids.Before I met him, all the guys I’d known wore aftershave and my friends were always fretting about what aftershave to buy their man. When we were engaged, I was pondering what to get him for Christmas, and my mother suggested aftershave. I said, rather absently, that he didn’t wear any, and instead of moving on she said “Well, maybe he should.” Just Reason #3,412 why my mother is no longer part of our lives… Obviously I’d never marry a man who stinks. She also suggested, to his face, that he get a manicure before the wedding. Her very words were, “You know, a lot of men get manicures now!” He pondered his hands, looked at her and said, “I can trim my own nails, thanks.”

    • Louisville, KY

      Hey Ignorant,
      Compartmentalizing is a man brain skill. Didn’t you learn that? It’s time to come back of the jungle, if you were there. Time to switch back to the social skills compartment and out of the jungle compartment. Come on, man, you can do it!

  • Nan Skovran

    There’s a beer for that. Surly, I mean.

  • Tulasi-Priya

    The model in the photo looks like Miss Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillys, only less mannish.

    • Tulasi-Priya

      *Hillbillies

  • Joshua Korf

    Aftershave would require me to, well, shave.

  • contrarian

    On a serious note, studies have shown that women who use contraception are less attracted to what would traditionally be considered ‘manly’ features than women who are not using contraception (which, in a depressing sort of way, makes sense).

    I’ve heard some fascinating and pretty convincing arguments that ‘metrosexuality’ and ‘girl-boy’ haute couture are actually the consequence of a certain contraception-use tipping point.

    That and, well, there’s lots of estrogen in the water now because of, well, yeah.

    Sigh.

    (Sorry to be all Debbie Downer on a really fun post.)

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      No, don’t be sorry. You are 100% correct and it needs to be said as often and as loudly as possible.

    • http://twitter.com/hstein3 Harold Steiner

      Hm, the studies I’ve seen suggest that oral contraceptives change the pheremonal attractions. Because the hormones simulate pregnancy, women go from being attracted to men who are more genetically distinct (i.e. reproductive purposes) to those more genetically similar (i.e. family, to protect the offspring). A lot of that depends on how much weight you put on evolutionary biology, but it’s hypothesized that it’s led to a lot of marital distress in the last few decades. Women go on birth control, date men whom they’re attracted to, then go off of birth control when they want to start a family with said men. Once off the birth control, they’re no longer attracted to their man (in a biochemical sense, at least), leading to friction in the relationship.

      I’ve not heard about the relationship between other points of attraction, but that wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

      • L.

        Excellent argument for IUDs!

  • Manny

    It could be worse on the male being male front. You could be living in Sweden:

    http://metronews.ca/news/world/457294/swedish-retailer-causes-stir-with-gender-neutral-catalogue/

  • Lydia McGrew

    Y’know, it’s going to take a while for me to get the image of that second guy out of my brain now. If it is a guy. Ick. Why do men want to look that way? Why would _anyone_ want to look like that?

  • James H, London

    I also like the smell of pipe tobacco. My grandfather used to smoke it.

    Oh, and your second caption is wrong. It should read, “F*ggot”.

  • tj.nelson

    I never shower or shave any more and I fart all of the time – does that count?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      We have quite a bit in common it would seem.

  • Heathershodgepodge

    Yes and amen. My ideal man is a cross between the Brawny guy and the Marlboro Man. Thankfully, my hubby meets that criteria :) They do still exist, you just might have to head out to the country to snag one.


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