… I had absolutely no intention of writing about fathers five days before Mother’s Day but what choice did I have after having seen this video in a friend’s facebook feed. I forgot how growing up without a father used to really piss me off.
For every mother or father that is not directly involved in their child lives there sits a confused, angry child who grows up believing they are unlovable. Why don’t they want me? Why doesn’t mom or dad love me enough to be here, right now with me?
I know now that my dad wasn’t around for complicated grown up reason that I can sort of understand. But still.
You can give excuses and rationales for certain behaviors, but at the end the day the message is still the same… I didn’t think, care, or love you enough to put my own personal bullshit aside to be a good parent to you.
If you are a parent right now and are not involved in your child’s life you might as well call that child up tonight and tell them that because that’s what they are hearing from your actions.
I didn’t think, care, or love you enough to put my own personal bullshit aside to be a good parent to you.
Go ahead, say it. Own those words. Accept responsibility for them. Let them sit in your mouth like hot rocks. Swallow them and let them slide down into your belly. Carry them around with you like a painful lump. Like your child does everyday. Every.Single.Day.
I don’t care what kind of family drama or circumstances exist, there is nothing is this whole wide world that would keep me from my son. And if you are reading this and feeling a bit judged right now it’s because you are being judged. Harshly.
Maybe your young child doesn’t have the understanding or vocabulary to express the level of hurt your absence causes them but I sure do. And express it I will.
Mother. Father. I don’t care which. Both parents leave. I know that. But what you don’t know is the emotional maelstrom du merde you leave in your wake. So let me fill you in.
I grew up fatherless and spent my entire young adult life as a teenager and women looking for love and validation in other men. And that is exactly what it sounds like.
Is that what you want for your daughters? Do you want your sons to be angry young men?
Whatever it is you have going on your lives, it’s not ever going to be more important than your child. Ever.
Watch that video a few more times till it starts to sink and then get your head straight. Do right by your children and stop perpetuating a cycle of neglect in the generations that will follow on after you.
Thankfully, my father and I have an amicable relationship now. The past has been forgiven. Not forgotten, because some hurts… well, as you can see, still elicit strong emotional reactions. But we are both adults now and realize you can’t ever take back the past, just learn from it and move on. Heal and move on. I’m blessed he’s in my life now and involved with my son and that’s a blessing I count every day.
Parent’s, love your children. Be there and love them.