Sometimes I get really bogged down in the minutia of life. I worry so much about money that I spend 90% of my creative energy in weird little schemes to get $1 here and $5 there. The other day I realized that I’d get a lot farther if I’d really focus and dig into one vision, one passion.
I’m spreading myself so thin and feel constantly like I’m kicking frantically in the water. But I’m beginning to suspect that the truth is I could relax a little bit and tread water with more calm and graceful strokes.
I think this is the real definition of an artistic sell out: spending my creative time and energy fretting over getting an extra $3; it’s becoming so worried and obsessed over ways to squeeze money from your life that you have no time or energy left for the big, grand, passionate projects that (if you dedicated yourself to them) would probably carry you.
I’m so busy trying to squeeze money from a rock that I’m letting life sail past me. I think when people talk about following your heart, they mean that if you can leg go of the fear and throw yourself into something with all your heart and total dedication, it will carry you. I haven’t experienced that but I think it’s true. Just have to let go of the fear of failing and the fear of not having enough. Have to dig deep into that passion and dedication until I hit water in the desert (apologies for the mixed metaphor!)
It’s always inspiring to watch people who completely dedicate themselves to something and give it all their heart. Watching successful Kickstarter campaigns reminds me that that kind of passion and vision brings out support in people. I love to watch YouTube videos of people who are so dedicated to a craft or a dance or an art form that what they are demonstrating seems not even humanly possible. Like Felicia Day who built a whole Internet TV channel around her geeky life.
I’ve finally set up my life in a way that I have the time and space to devote to my art, but I’m doing a lot more scrambling for pennies here and there than I am dedicating myself to that art.
We’ll see how this insight effects my life, but it’s been an interesting thing to notice. One thing is certain: I want to find ways to cut back on the frantic feeling I so often have!
I think a big part of what holds me back is guilt. I feel guilty that I have a life with the space to pursue art when others don’t. But me sitting around in my privileged life and feeling guilty for it isn’t helping either of us! It’s time for me to take the gifts and the situation I was born with and make my life into something that will make me proud.
Great cartoon on this subject: http://artbymoga.tumblr.com/post/78902805867/inspired-by-every-student-whose-told-they-cant-be (click the link to read the whole thing)