I don’t think I can ever be a good person. I know how and it’s just too hard. God, why do You abandon me to my own base instincts? Why do You leave me to founder on the rocks of sin and stupidity? I can’t be good without You, but I can’t feel You when I need to. Is my conscience so dulled that I can no longer recognize the subtle pull of my Guardian Angel as he tugs on... Read more
Dinner is actually ready to go into the oven, and it’s not even 3:30! What a miracle. We’re down to about nothing in the house, and it’s time to put together a shopping list, but I don’t get paid until the 3rd, so it’s scramble time. Yesterday, I made a Dump Cake, because I found all the ingredients. Marvelous. I have been making this for over thirty years, since my mom brought home the recipe from work, and we tried... Read more
Dear God, Dear Lord, I can’t run any more. I can’t chase You down any more. I’ve been running and running and running like it’s a marathon, and not just a 26 mile marathon, but a 26 year marathon, and I’m so tired. So very tired. I need You and I need Your love, in a way that is no longer hidden. I realize You don’t owe me anything. I know that. I hate that, but I know it. Part... Read more
“It’s the most reliable high I know of.” I told someone that, yesterday. I was talking about Mass. Unless you’re Catholic (and, sadly, maybe even if you are), you might not understand that. But… It’s Jesus. Like, for realz. I mean, how can that not just make me feel like I just slam dunked it? Like I shot it out of the park? Game, set, match? Touchdown spike? And I’m not even that into sports. I can have this high... Read more
Yesterday was the Zoo-Loo-Au at the Fort Wayne Children’s Zoo, and because my daughter and I (and a guest, which was her beau) are members, we got a free picnic dinner (amazingly delicious grilled hot dog and chips and A POPSICLE) and time to hang out in the zoo after hours when it’s a lot less crowded. But the best part? When we went to the orangutan enclosure to see the new bebeh orangutan and watched the mother carry it... Read more
I opened up the computer just now, because I wanted to get my writing in before noon. (This is my latest strategy in getting to write every day.) It was dead. Sigh… So, plugged it in and “resuming Windows” appears on the screen. So far, so good. Then, because I’m back home, and connected to the Internet, I guess I have updates. No escape from that. Computer will restart after its done updating. Sigh… Okay. Finally, I get back up... Read more
Lord, I am filled with anger and animosity, and I want You to take it away. These things are not part of my rightful state of being. They are an impediment to my being the vehicle for Your love that I wish to be. Fill me with Your love, a love which is already there, just waiting to be uncovered. Lord, I want ten times as much Love in my life as I have now. I want ten times as... Read more
I kneel down, right down in the grassy margin between the church’s foundation and the sidewalk, the sounds of a hundred people scratching their way along the asphalt street ten feet away fading from my ears. Putting my forehead on the grass, I feel the dew cool on my skin. “If You want to, Lord, You can make me free.” There is no reply. I am not surprised. Who am I, that my Lord would make such an exception? My... Read more
Hope is the thing that keeps me going. There’s a lot of people who don’t like that “pie in the sky after you die” style of Christian theology that hopes for a better life after you die, so you can put up with a lot of crap in this one. I understand that, and it’s a concept that has definitely been misused to justify a lot of oppression and evil. But for me, it’s a very real thing. I’m not... Read more
I don’t think much about favorites. It just seems like one more in a long series of ways to be disappointed. I very seldom get “my way” about anything, and while that sounds maybe too much like whining, it really isn’t. I have found that having strong preferences, the ones most generally characterized as “favorites,” is really limiting. When I set out to do something, I want to have an open mind. I want to be able to approach everything... Read more
After the Ecstasy, the Laundry...
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