“10 Rules of Sex for Wives”: A Response

“10 Rules of Sex for Wives”: A Response May 20, 2021

The other day, my man Derrick Day ironically shared to Facebook an asinine article called “10 Rules of Sex for Wives.” Here’s how it begins (bold font is my emphasis):

Hello Sir! I’m so glad that I found your site! It’s hard to find a Christian blog that is honest about sexuality and marriage. I wish that you had been around when I got engaged. I got married when I was only nineteen and had a lot to learn, it would have been really helpful to already have thought about all the things you teach. You actually got me thinking about the advice I wish I had gotten, and the things that I would have told my younger self and that I would tell young Christian girls who are going to enter into a faith based marriage these days. I hope you don’t mind me sharing what I came up with. I was lucky because my husband gave me strict rules to follow which helped me a lot. They are basically what I have written down here. Following his rules has led to a healthy sexual relationship and marriage.

~ Monica

Insane, am I right? Worthy of a rebuttal, though? Probably not. But perhaps. I’ll let you decide.

So, without further ado, here are Monica’s 10 rules and my comments to each.

I. “Obedience means complete obedience.”

Ladies, you are not dogs. You don’t need to be obedient, just like you don’t need our permission to not be obedient. In fact, sometimes I bet you feel like you need to flip some tables. Well, flip ’em! If societal structures are built to keep you down, flip that shit. Obedience is for the dogs, not for people.

II. “Your main pleasure from sex comes from you pleasing your husband.”

Actually, your main pleasure comes from your own pleasure. You’ve got a clitoris. You’ve got a G-spot. You’ve got countless other erogenous zones. And if your husband doesn’t know this, then he’s probably either selfish . . . or selfish.

III. “Remember that he probably needs a physical release to help him get through a hard day.”

This one may actually be true, but guess what? It’s not necessarily your job. He’s got a hand and trust me, he knows how to use it. If his day is so hard, he can take 5 minutes (or 30 seconds) to rub one out.

IV. “Your obligation is to submit to him.”

Oh, how men (as well as women who have been indoctrinated by men) love to talk about wives submitting to their husbands! Funny thing is that they also love to forget to mention the part about husbands submitting to their wives. Let me remind them now. Men, that passage in Ephesians talks about mutual submission. Look it up.

V. “You need to work your hardest to learn what he likes.”

Actually, you need to work your hardest to learn what you like. It’s his job to learn what he likes. This is what is called differentiation. As fully-functioning adults in long-term relationships, we need to stand on our own two feet before anything else. If we can’t do this, we run the risk of failure.

VI. “Embrace body modifications if your husband thinks they will enhance your beauty.”

I’m all for health and wellness. My wife and I workout a lot. We eat healthy. But we do it for ourselves and we do it the right way, unlike the sick and twisted way in which this rule is presented.

VII. “Dress the way that your husband instructs.”

Oh, puh-lease! Dress however you want. Chances are, you’ve got more style in your pinky finger than he has in his entire sock-and-Birkenstocks-American-flag-tee-shirt-wraparound-shades-visor-wearing dad bod.

VIII. “Your husband is your master.”

Unless this is some kink you’re into, no he’s not. End of story.

IX. “Sometimes your husband will need to punish you when you fall short of his expectations.”

Please, please, please do not permit punishment. If your husband punishes you, then you are in an abusive relationship. Seek help. Get out of that situation. Here’s the link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Their number is 1-800-799-SAFE.

X. “Be your husband’s sexual pet.”

Marital rape is a real thing. Don’t stand for it. Same rules apply for “rule 9.” Get out. Seek help. There are resources and hotlines. Use them.

With all that being said, allow me to, in my own words, reframe Monica’s original message to the jerk who writes for “biblicalgenderroles.”

Hello sir! I’m so appalled that your site exists! It’s too easy to find a Christian blog that is sexually and emotionally abusive. I wish your site would crash. I got married when I was only twenty-one and had a lot to learn; it would have been really helpful to meet with an actual Marriage and Family Therapist instead of the so-called Christian counselor we spoke with. Anyway, your site is laden with horrible advice, and I’m sickened by the fact that you counsel Christian men and women in any capacity. I don’t care what you think about my article (or anything for that matter). I refuse to give my wife strict rules to follow because if I did, I would be an asshole. Further, following these rules would lead to a failed marriage.

~ Matthew

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About Matthew John Distefano
Matthew is a best-selling author, blogger, podcaster, long-time social worker, and hip-hop artist. He is an outspoken advocate for nonviolence, happily married, with one daughter. Outside of writing, his interests include gardening, hiking, and European football. He lives in Northern California You can read more about the author here.

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