New York, NY – Just days after a group of white supremacist incels were arrested in Idaho for planning to riot during a Pride Parade, a group of New York sex workers have come up with a plan to “stop the next mass shooting before it happens.” Charmingly dubbed “F*ck An Incel,” the group plans to tackle gun violence with a two-pronged approach.
“We have all noticed a pattern in this country,” said Eva Vazquez, a successful Brooklyn-based sex worker. “A bunch of lonely dudes who can’t get laid get together and spread their hate. We see this as a charitable act that can really benefit society.”
When asked what their specific approach will be, Ms. Vazquez had this to say. “It’s simple, really. We’ve already got the funds from our GoFundMe campaign. We’ve hired a bus. We’ve purchased hundreds of pocket p*****s. We’ve got plenty of protection and even a few armed bodyguards. We’re going to f**k the hate out of them and then leave them with a toy that they can carry with them any time their racism, bigotry, and homophobia start bubbling to the surface.”
Though support for this group has been through the roof, not everyone is impressed. Texas Senator Ted Cruz was appalled by the idea. “I can’t believe what this country is coming to. You’re tackling sin with more sin. We all know this won’t work. The only way to stop gun violence is to eliminate 90% of the country’s doors.”
When asked a follow-up question, Senator Cruz stormed off, yelling something about not wanting to miss his flight to Cancun.
Time will tell whether this campaign will be successful or not, but if it is, you can bet the phrase “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a bad girl with a dildo” will catch on quicker than an incel’s first orgasm.
(THIS IS SATIRE.)
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