Step #2: “So this needs to change. If it doesn’t, here are the consequences. But I believe you can change.”
One of the women in our research told me how her older colleague’s harsh, almost abusive approach to his subordinates was causing chaos and turnover in their whole department. She wasn’t his boss. She had no ability to force him to change. But she went to him and said this:
“Tom, it is important to address something about how you treat your people. We’ve had three people leave just in the last quarter alone. I know you don’t intend to be cruel and harsh. I know that about you. But you need to know, you are being cruel in how you speak to them. For example, in the meeting yesterday, you told Mark to ‘shut up until you have something productive to share.’ That sort of language to anyone isn’t appropriate, much less to a productive employee like Mark. We can’t afford to keep losing good people. I think you may not realize how often you come across as a bully, and it needs to change. If it doesn’t change, I’ll have no choice but to raise this with HR. But I know this can change. What are your thoughts on this?”
Inside, she told me she was incredibly nervous to have this conversation with her peer. But once she started the discussion, directly but with kindness, it was clear that her colleague was listening. He acknowledged that he had probably been too harsh, or hadn’t cared enough about how his words were received. He said, “I probably need to pay more attention to this.”
She said it didn’t change everything overnight, but it was clear he was trying. And over the next few weeks she reinforced it when she saw him handling something well. (“I noticed that you praised Mark’s work to the task force. Great idea.”) She also calmly pointed out a few instances where he was reverting to bad habits.
Within a month, although he wasn’t close to perfect, he was clearly on a much better trajectory. And so was their team.
This approach certainly will not work with everyone. There will be a small subset of bullies who are truly pathological, or just enjoy abusing others too much to ever change. But in most cases, I suggest you try it. And you will probably see that this direct-but-kind approach will finally bring the change you’ve wanted the whole time.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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