What Hollywood Gets Wrong about Sex– and What Couples Can Do Right

Myth: The reason we aren’t having “enough” sex, is that one spouse has a lower sex drive.

 Truth: Their sex drive may have little or nothing to do with it – there are many other common reasons.

This is one of the most common, sneaky, and damaging myths. We think if we are not connecting as much as one or both of us wants, there’s usually just one reason why: One person’s libido level is simply lower than the other’s. (“My spouse just isn’t as interested. Don’t they find me desirable?” Or “I just have a lower libido; I know my spouse wants to connect more often, but there’s nothing much I can do about my sex drive.”) And since it seems like there’s nothing much we can do, we stop pursuing solutions. It is all too easy to give up, back off, stop talking about it, and settle into a pattern that neither of us is happy with.

Here’s the amazing truth: While one spouse very likely does have a lower sex drive, that often is not the main reason for the disconnect! Indeed, we were surprised and encouraged to find that most couples are not nearly as far apart as they think they are. Instead, other common factors are often at play – simple factors like:

• Having different desire types (see Chapter 4)
• Not having a mutually-understood way to initiate (Chapter 8)
• Having conflicting ideas of how things “should” work inside and outside the bedroom (Chapter 3)
• Feeling unable to talk about sex well, with one another (Chapter 2)
• Regularly hitting one another’s insecurities without intending to (Chapter 6)
• Not hearing certain things your spouse has been trying to share (Chapter 7)

… and many others. We may have never realized these factors even existed. But once our eyes are opened, we can look for what might be the “real issue,” and start working together on strategies that actually work!

Wanting to help people understand these common potential reasons and solutions is one of the main reasons we spent so much time, money, and energy researching and writing Secrets of Sex & Marriage over the last three years.

In the coming months, I’ll occasionally unpack one of these factors in this blog. For now, here’s just one, to get you started.