Myth: My spouse would be more interested in sex if I was more desirable.
Truth: Your definition of “interested” is based on a Hollywood myth; your spouse probably does have interest – but it may simply be a different type than yours.
We’ve absorbed this damaging myth straight from every movie where the lead characters glance at each other and get that hungry look in their eyes. Pretty soon their clothes are off and they are in bed. We subconsciously think that is just how sex works: you feel desire (you are “interested”) and you do something about it. If it doesn’t work that way, you think something is sort of … broken.
Here’s the problem: that concept of “this is just how sex works” is just one type of desire … which is present in less than half of the population! The truth is, there are two primary types of desire: “initiating desire” (the “I’m hungry for you” Hollywood type), and “receptive desire.” And more than half (55%) of the population have receptive desire! I will have to unpack this more in another blog, but the key is that the person with receptive desire tends to feel desire in the reverse order. In most cases, the receptive spouse first decides to get sexually engaged with their spouse. Only once they begin connecting well with their spouse in that way do they feel the sense of sexual desire that their partner may have felt from the beginning!
Once you realize that the two of you may have two different types of desire, you can honor what each other needs and not assume that someone isn’t working right. For example, it is game-changing for an initiating spouse to realize that their receptive partner isn’t frigid or uninterested – it’s just that their brain and body may simply need a little flirting or anticipation time in order to begin thinking about it in advance. Or that there may be an outside-the-bedroom obstacle (that argument from last night, the worry about that work meeting) that needs to be addressed first.
Can you see how these “aha moments” are so simple – and how they can help the most important relationship in your life feel more intimate and connected? If you do have more specialized issues, please seek the additional help you need –while being strengthened in your goodwill for one another and eagerness to work on them together.
We are so excited to share these crucial findings with you, and hope that as you learn, you will share them with others.
Improve your relationships with simple, actionable steps backed by proven research! Visit
SurprisingHope.com to learn about our courses.
Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send
us a speaking inquiry request today!
Please note: This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small
amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you
anything.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In