Fact 2: When we let a dad be a dad … he is more likely to be a dad
Our men want to be good dads. They want to jump in – but they might hold back out of insecurity or uncertainty.
Remember that many of our research studies, starting with For Women Only, have found that roughly three out of four men look confident but have a lot of self-doubt on the inside. In general, a man is more likely than a woman to want to be sure that if he steps up to the plate, he’ll be able to take a good swing at the ball (in other words, at this parenting thing) instead of being told his stance is all wrong and feeling stupid. Trying to stay in control and tell our man “how” to parent is a good example of “gate-closing” behavior that will discourage involvement. (This article outlines some others.)
Thankfully, most of the studies over the decades (including the new one on mothers and fathers in China) have found that when we women encourage our men and “allow” them to do their thing, they are more likely to jump in. Our “gate-opening” behaviors, like handing him the baby, cheering him on as he allows the middle-schooler to steer the ATV, or saying “thank you so much for taking the kids to play outside while I was on that Zoom meeting!” are exactly the sorts of encouragement he needs to feel that he can step up to the parenting plate without fear of a wild pitch.
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