Action #2: Ask open-ended, curious questions.
Asking sincerely curious, open-ended, “coaching” questions can help the transition. And genuine, no-judgment-here curiosity is the key – because otherwise a young adult could easily hear a list of questions as criticism rather than as coaching! But sincere curiosity can go a long way – both toward letting our adult children arrive at their own conclusions (win!) and helping them feel supported by an interested, loving parent (double win!).
For example, suppose our child is deciding between several graduate schools or two different jobs. Instead of sharing our opinion (even if we have a strong one!) we might ask some questions to understand where they are starting. What are the financial realities of either decision for you? What advantages do you see about the timing – and the time involved – with either path? What has time in prayer shown you about what to do? What can we do to help you feel supported?
Notice, those are all open-ended questions, which are far less likely to be misunderstood as attacks. “Have you prayed about it?” may cause your adult child to bristle, but “What have you felt as you have prayed about it?” is a totally different thing.
If we really do have a targeted solution in mind but don’t want to force it, we can float the idea by asking, “What would it look like if you ____________?” and follow their answer with, “Tell me more about why you feel that way.”
Then, listen. Like, really listen. Not listening with half an ear while thinking through what we want to say next. In fact, we may not need to say anything at all, unless and until they ask for our opinion. (I’m still working on that one!)
Inviting our kids to work things out on their own while feeling supported by us may be the greatest gift we can offer in these initial adult years. This leads directly into Mindset shift #3.
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