What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 1)

 Emotional Need #1: For you to listen to her feelings 

Has your wife ever begun to share a concern or worry, and told you, “I just want you to listen.” (Or maybe even said that phrase when you have already been listening for ten minutes?) 

Here’s what she’s really saying: “I want you to listen to what I’m feeling.” Guys, you might feel that being the hero means being Mr. Fix-It – but that can come later. First, try to focus on her feelings. (“I’m so sorry . . .  how did you react when your boss embarrassed you in front of the group like that?”)  

If you flip this order and try to fix things first, she may actually be frustrated with you for “not listening.” (In the For Men Only survey, 60% of women viewed it as a negative if they were describing an emotional problem and their partner jumped straight to trying to solve it.) An exception is if it’s a fairly technical issue (“It’s going to hit 90 degrees today and the A/C unit just went out!”) 

When the A/C unit is broken, she wants it fixed. When her emotions are complicated, she wants to be heard. In fact, helping her work through her feelings may even help her solve the problem. But if not, then you can ask if your solutions would be helpful.  

 Here are practical ways to listen to your wife in the way that matters most to her: 

• Ask your wife if this “listen to my feelings” thing is true of her. If so, remember your first step is to help her feel heard and not (yet) to solve the actual problem. 

• One way to show that you’re “hearing” her is to repeat her feelings back to her, and ask about or prompt the next ones along. (e.g. “I am really sorry your friends didn’t invite you on that trip – you must feel left out.”) 

• Help her understand your wiring. As described in last week’s blog, most men are internal processors (some women are, too). If you need a bit of space to process what you’re hearing (especially if emotions are running high for both of you), help your wife see that you love her deeply, you just need to step away, and you’ll be able to talk about it again at such-and-such a time.