Action #1: Grieve what isn’t how we want it to be
It might sound odd, but this step is the cornerstone of everything else we are going to talk about in this series. We have to literally grieve what isn’t in order to accept what is.
This came to light in a profound way when Jeff and I sat down with Dr. Michael Sytsma, my co-author of Secrets of Sex & Marriage, to begin exploring what would eventually make up our book: the simple steps that help couples have a thriving intimate life. In previous books, Jeff and I have been careful to stay in our lane and avoid topics best handled by a trained clinician. But this time we were working with one!
So, right away Jeff chimed in with this question: “Is there any common denominator that will help struggling couples build a great relationship no matter what their issue is?”
The answer shocked us.
It’s grief.
Dr. Sytsma, a renowned and highly credentialed therapist, answered Jeff’s question this way: “Actually, every experienced counselor already knows what that common denominator is. In the end, all counseling work is grief work … You have to grieve what isn’t and accept what is before you can move forward to enjoy what you have.”
That’s worth repeating:
We have to grieve what isn’t and accept what is before we can move forward to enjoy what we have.
Here’s what that means in practice: You know that expectation we have that something will change? That has to die. We have to come to terms with the fact that it will never be the way we wanted it to be.
Wow.
That truth is so hard – and yet if we want a healthy, vibrant life of contentment and joy, that is the gate we have to go through to get there.
Now just to be clear (and we unpack this in detail in Chapter 9 of Secrets of Sex & Marriage), there are truly toxic situations where this grief/acceptance pattern does not apply – because the situation is not something we should ever “accept.” You should never accept that your spouse is abusive to you and your children, or that your colleague is embezzling money – you get safe, call in help and accountability, and, if needed, bring in authorities. You should not just “accept” that your doctor doesn’t listen to you, or that your boss is a cruel manager – you should find a new doctor or a new job!
But so many things that cause us distress are not in truly toxic categories. Either they are not toxic “deal breakers” (your spouse’s irritating ADD) or they are things we literally cannot change (a medical condition that won’t go away). Maybe we have chronic pain, frustrating relationship issues, or financial realities that mean living in a crowded apartment rather than a big house. We have to truly let go of the longing for that particular something to be different. Because it is only when we honestly and sincerely grieve (for example, that we will probably always have these crowded living quarters) that we can stop wishing for the big house. And it is only once we stop wishing for the big house that we can enjoy the beautiful chaos and benefits that come from a large family in a small space.
What benefits, you ask? Consider the regrets one wealthy mom told me about in an interview a few years ago: “We were so excited when Brian sold his company and we were able to buy a big house. But I wish someone had told us of the downsides. In our small townhouse, with three girls sharing one bedroom, we were always on top of each other and the living room was the only place to hang out. We got irritated over whose turn it was to watch TV, or whatever, but we always knew what was going on with each other. Now, the girls go into their separate bedrooms and shut the doors. I sometimes wish we had the tight quarters back.”
We’ll get to how “grief and acceptance” becomes “hope and joy” over the next two weeks. In the meantime, I’ll give you some space to ponder this initial concept. For some of you, opening the door to grief may in a strange way be a welcome and overdue step. And you may need help to take that step. Perhaps your church offers lay counseling or a class like GriefShare. Or maybe it’s time to do what you’ve been wanting to do for some time now … connect with a pastor or professional counselor. However you move forward, I’m cheering for you.
And I’ll be back next week with two more essential action steps.
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