‘Checking Out’
You may see them as avoiding issues or “checking out,” but often it is something else entirely. Most men need to step away from an argument to process. They often have to think things through before they can talk things through.
As I wrote two weeks ago in my blog “Why Doesn’t My Wife Feel Secure,” most women are verbal processors who want to talk things through … where at least three out of four guys need to retreat during an argument to process things alone.
There are exceptions, of course, but this general pattern boils down to brain science. For most male brains, the most fluid processing is done internally as the men do a sort of internal chess match to think things through. (“If I do X, then I have to have done Y before that … but then that means Z has to happen over here …”) Some of you women (perhaps 20-25%) understand this instinctively, because you are internal processors too.
Add to that the fact that the male brain is truly wired to do one thing at a time. For example, most men prefer to think about something or deal with emotions or talk about something, but because of their wiring they prefer to not do all that at the same time. (By contrast, the female brain is wired to do all three at once.) As a result, it usually works better for them to retreat to think things through first.
Here’s the great news: small adjustments will really support the men we love. Come back next week to discover four simple steps you can take to help your husband seem less “fragile” and less “avoidant.”
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