A lesson on free will
When my husband told me, he was not the marrying type, our lives went on. We functioned for several months while he was debating what he wanted to do. During this time, I spoke with him about the commitment to marriage he made and about working together to create a healthy marriage. I spent a lot of time praying about how to make him see the truth. Then one day I was coloring with my step daughter when God decided to change my perspective. I was coloring with brown and she wanted me to color with black. For some reason, this day I decided to stand my ground and continue coloring in brown. She of course got upset that I did not do what she had requested. I then told her that this was my picture and I get to choose what color to use. The Holy Spirit immediately whispered into my spirit, “this is your husband’s life and he gets to decide which color to use”. In that moment, I realized my husband had all the facts and it was his call. No matter what I said it was ultimately his decision to make. It did not matter if I agreed with it or not. I had to learn to respect the fact that as a human being he has free will. That revelation gave me freedom from the shame of being the abandoned one. My natural response was to think I did not measure up. I was the reason he left. In reality, he is ultimately responsible for his decisions. I was never intended to take on the shame of someone else’s decisions.
A lesson on people pleasing
Going through circumstances I never imagined I would be in, I am learning what I a life of faith really is. It is a daily decision to submit my will, my dreams, my plans, my family, my work, and my actions to God, knowing that His will is far greater than mine. He is the one in control whether I decide to let Him have the control or not. The beautiful thing about our God is that He has chosen to use us in His plan. What an amazing design to give us purpose and hope.
Of course, my husband was not the only broken one. Looking back at my life I realize that I have chosen to give my security to people. I found my purpose in pleasing others. If I am honest with myself my desire to be accepted led me to many people pleasing behaviors. God is opening my eyes to the fact that people pleasing is a form of idolatry. It is putting people in front of God. My intentions were to do good however my motives were based out of my insecurities and fears. In addition to wanting to please people, I wanted others to make my decisions for me. I did this out of ease. I am a follower by nature and I literally expected my husband to make all our decisions. I have learned how that was never intended to be my husband’s job. I have learned that my security must be in Christ alone. He is the only one worthy to have it. I have learned I am responsible for my decisions and when I give that power to anyone other than God, I can expect disappointment. I have learned that I am of value and that as a child of God I can expect good. My value is wrapped in Christ alone. In saying this, I began to realize that being focused on what I am not, is in fact insulting to God. I am His creation, so choosing to focus on what I am not is saying to Him – You could have done better. My heart hurt when I realized this. I surrendered that negative pattern of thinking to God that day. It is amazing how infused my insecurities are to the way I think. I am so grateful to a God who has chosen to change me little bit by little bit.
And THIS might have been the most important lesson of all...