a sad, near-death, adrenaline filled, crazy day!

Many years ago I was a part of a small team of InterVarsity Staff leading an overnighter for about 20 IV Seniors considering joining staff with InterVarsity.

It was about a 3.5 hr. trip to Ohio & I had 3 of the best & brightest InterVarsity students from Western Michigan University in my car.

On the way there the car who I was following crossed 3 lanes to get off an exit with not much space to go.  Fearing I would lose him, I made a quick decision to follow suit though I knew it was risky based on the huge barricade lining the exit ramp and the semi-truck approaching in the right lane just behind me.  This was long before the days any of us had cell phones, or GPS’s.  I may have imagined us being lost in Podunk Ohio.

In either case, the decision was hasty & nearly cost all of us our lives.

As I swerved off I clipped the barricade and was going fast enough that I lost control of the car.  My rear view mirror flung off the car and into the oblivion. We spun around a few times, and almost tipped over.  When the car stopped we were in the middle of the exit ramp, facing the wrong way.  We took a deep breath for one moment before realizing that pesky semi-truck was also getting off at the exit ramp and headed straight for us.  He screeched on his breaks and was able to avoid hitting us within 5, maybe 10 yards.

The passenger in the front seat, Michelle was shouting “Jesus, Jesus!” after I had lost control of the car.  It was one of those surreal moments in life where I wasn’t sure if we had died and were about to enter his presence and she saw his face or if she was asking for his help or if he was comforting her since we were all about to die.  And if so, why didn’t I see Jesus?  As the old saying goes, “it all happened so fast.”

My final thoughts before dying?  I clearly remember feeling: guilt.  I had killed 3 InterVarsity students & it was all my fault.  And so, not only had God spared our lives, but spared me from a death shrouded in the shame of poor driving skills.

After that both carloads stopped at Burger King.  We were all pretty upset.  The other car told us how scared they were at what they saw, and we told them how scared we were facing death by head-on semi-truck smushing.

When we arrived at the conference about an hour later, a few of us, especially me had the I-almost-died-shakes.  And if you’ve never had the I-almost-died-shakes it’s when your body produces enough adrenaline to allow you to move heaven and earth to save yourself long after the danger is over and so you almost feel high.  You can’t calm down.  As Sydney Bristow from the T.V. show ‘Alias’ best said it, “there’s no drug like adrenaline.”

Well, after all that you’d think that was the worse thing going on that weekend.  Not so.  Something else was stirring in my mind and heart besides all the needless adrenaline.  In particular that day, I was sorting through a myriad of emotions regarding my abusive father.  I couldn’t sort it through properly and felt as if I was losing my doggone mind.  A danger as palpable to my soul as was the semi-truck smushing to my body.

In my small group that weekend was a dude from Ohio State University.  He was a visual artist and during a break shared his drawing pad with me of some of his “doodles” as called them.  I kept looking at them long after the session started and in the midst of lots of complicated pieces was this was simple yet profound picture.  I just couldn’t stop looking at it.

The drawing was simple.  A faceless human being wearing wide leg jeans & a plain white tee sitting in a chair with his head down.  He looked like, how I felt.  Not just because of the accident but because of my ongoing Daddy issues.

At that time my Father was still alive but communication with him was not only useless given his unrepentant attitude, but painful.  Immediately, I sent a note down to Kyle to ask him if I could “add to his picture”.

Throughout the rest of the session –through tears- I drew on Kyle’s picture everything I had been feeling about my Father.

The way the room was set up, Kyle was the only one who could see me crying for about an hour as I basically poured out my heart and soul to dear old dad.  I remember his helpless face looking at me wondering what on earth was going on with me & his picture.

After wards, I shared with him what I did.  He took it and when he returned it to me he had done two meaningful things.  One he signed the bottom, “gb & ko” as if I had drew the picture too.  Two, he wrote on the back:

“to gracee,
to remember that you are loved
to believe that you have worth,
to see all the potential you have
and to know
wherever you go
the Lord will be with you.
ko”

A few weeks ago, Kyle found me on facebook & told me something I wrote to him that weekend was meaningful (which I have absolutely no memory of) & I immediately asked his permission to share “our” picture on my blog.  Without further ado, a picture of a sad, adrenaline filled crazy day…