Losing Mom

Last week, my Mom turned 70 years old!  (Holy Canoles, right?!) I thought about it a few months ago.  Then last week I kept thinking about it.  Then on her birthday I tried to call her no less than 5 times but her phone wasn’t working, but I thought about it.  Last night, the family took her out for a marvelous dinner and on the way home I -you guessed it- thought about it.

(By now, you may be thinking, “Okay, Grace we get it: you thought about your Mom turning 70 —is there actually a point your planning to make???”)

That’s the thing though, I’m not sure what the point is or why it’s been on my mind.  Not in a pleasant oh-how-wonderful-for-my-Mom-that-she-is-meeting-this-lovely-milestone-in-a-long-life type’o’way…but in a gnawing, sad & pleading type of way.

I wonder if somewhere buried in my thoughts is a fear of old age.  It’s one thing to remember your Mom has a sprightly 45 year old dropping you off at high school, it’s wholly another seeing her begin to wrinkle and shrink with age.  Perhaps, this new age reminds me that she will die soon.  And by “soon,” I mean sometime in the next 30 years at least.

On the one hand, it’s a  ridiculous notion, right?  My 35 year old husband or -God forbid- 5 year old soon could die at any time for any reason, the same as my Mom.   Yet, her new age reminds me acutely that life is short.  Life is precious.

In the past 3 years my mother and both of Dave’s parents all lost their own mothers.  They each coped in their own ways.  My fear today is that I will not be able to handle the death of my own mother.

(By the by, my Mom is healthy as a horse, boasts a solid 2 mile walk a few times a week.  Occasionally, you can catch her lifting her two pound dumbbells as she claims lifting them is “changing her life.” I persist she move up to 5 pounds, but she claims she doesn’t need to sweat to “be healthy.”)

There isn’t anything I’ve gone through in life that makes me think I’d be able to handle losing the one person I’ve known my entire life.  Perhaps, the world seems a scarier place?  Perhaps, her new age reminds me that one day -Lord willing- I’ll be “up there” in age as well, longing to see Ransom & Rhys grow old, marry well & usher into life beautiful grand babies.

I’m not sure what all this is about.  All I know is that it scared me.

And I’m still thinking about it…