Reach

For awhile my boys felt like they were out of my reach.  Last Fall, when I wrote this heartbreaking post, I’d been feeling this intolerable fear that I wasn’t what my boys needed me to be.

After the post, My friend Jodi texted me, “are you okay? What is going on??” I tried to explain why the heaviness wouldn’t pass.  She urged me not to believe the lies.

The lies.

When I gave birth to my babies, it literally never occurred to me to be on guard against those who’d make me a feel like a bad Mama. I knew I wouldn’t be a perfect Mama, but I knew I’d try & I’d never stop trying, never stop growing into it.

And of course, the lies poured in from everywhere, magazine covers (ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH? ARE YOU THIN ENOUGH 6 WEEKS POST-PARTUM?) & judgy eyes of pimple-faced teens at the grocery store eye’ing you up for a child having an unwarranted temper-tantrum you MUSTN’T give in to.  All of that hit me, but for the first 4 yrs. of my venture into Motherhood I floated above all that.  I knew I loved my baby boy…he was well within my reach.  I knew I was a good Mama despite the magazines, despite anything.

But the lies took their toll when the impression that I was a bad Mama started coming from within my home. I don’t know how it happened & I don’t know when it happened & I certainly don’t know why it happened but it did. It happened and it’s wrecked me. I allowed his fears to burrow deeply in my soul.

A couple of years ago, I sobbed on the phone with Jeanie when she said fiercely, “you have to reject the lies & impressions he’s giving you about the type of Mama you are.  You. Have. To.”  And I didn’t listen, but I am now.

These precious little’s are always within my reach.  So long as we are living, the 3 of us are within reach.  I will NEVER ever EVER allow anyone to speak vicious lies to and over me, subtle as they may be.  The results have been catastrophic for my soul.

The reach of others can attempt to wiggle their ideas into our pysche but we must protect ourselves.  We must float above it and believe in our ability to hear and receive truth and to reject lies no matter who they are coming from.  That, friends is what is within our reach.

I choose us.

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Written as a part of the Five Minute Friday party.