Maybe Saying Goodbye To Blogging Forever? Sigh.

It was inevitable, y’all, that I’d declare a blogging break. If your a reader you’ve probably seen this coming for awhile now. And, at the end of the day, perhaps I’m nothing if not consistent; I also declared a break on May 26, 2011 & June 18, 2012. Senioritis anyone?

Only this time, I’m taking a FULL social media fast not limited to my blog. I am also *GASP* not checking Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Pinterest bit it for me, a long time ago.

Why Now?

1. I’ve been too focused on platform building. The sort of drive I was putting into guest posts & other sites I contribute to has been leaving me far too self-focused. This has caused me to lose my focus on how to serve others online and otherwise.

2. I’ve become too involved in behind-the-scenes blogging politics. This could very well be the top reason. I could leave blogging for all eternity because of this one. I shouldn’t say more, but it’s been deeply troubling. Deeply, deeply troubling. Far beyond what this little empathetic, sensitive soul can handle. I’m starting to hate people. This is not me. I’m not a hater. Yet, I’m starting to ooze angry, hot tears of hatred over junior-high like behavior amongst Christian bloggers. The disappointment is much too much right now. (Perhaps I could have handled this in other more normal, stable times of life)?

3. As a result of #2, I’ve become disgruntled. Angry. Not myself. How does one become a disgruntled blogger? Only me.

4. I feel lost and voiceless. Not that anyone has taken my voice, but that I’m not sure what my writing voice is anymore. Or, bluntly, I don’t know what to write that I want to keep writing about. Nothing feels right.

5. Even when I’m not blogging regularly, blogging takes up a lot of mental space & energy. For example, when I go a whole week without blogging, I’ll think about it, everyday, how guilty I feel not blogging for that week. When I tell myself to calm down (and that somehow manages to work) I’ll start stressing about what to post when I start posting again. People, this is not normal, nor healthy.

6. I feel that I’ve come to an unhealthy place in my relationship to other bloggers. Read: sometimes I have an insane and insatiable amount of jealousy towards others bloggers with a developed niche and loyal readership. Even though I know I’m not ready for that (see #4) I can’t stop berating myself to just. try. harder. But then #1. And then #2. Rinse. Repeat.

7. I believe I’ve put too much focus on blogging & platform building at the expense of learning other useful things. When I tend to go for something I go full-tilt, which, as you can surmise gets me burned out. Recently, I’ve read many, many books about blogging, platform building, twittering etc. at the expense of books about how to grow my marriage, how to parent my children or even -just for fun- how to take better care of my natural hair. Some people can hold all these things in tension, I’m just not one of those people. Not for now at least.

8. I’m very overwhelmed with life right now and have very little emotional reserves left. What little I have left is being used up by #2 and #3. Even if that weren’t the case: #4. I acknowledge that part of what I’m going through right now is the classic girl-is-down-girl-needs-to-reach-deep-within-her-soul-and-find-a-way-to-pull-herself-up-roaring-victoriously-to-success but I’m not there, y’all.

If I did fight that hard to dig deep within my fears to change aspects of my life for the better, I can’t afford to expend that costly precious energy on something that is (currently) the opposite of life giving: it’s draining me. Constantly. (See #5)

9. I’m in a stage of extreme uncertainty career-wise. Identity-wise! I’m in the midst of launching a Coaching company yet, I’m also trying to think long-term about my future. Do I want to go back to my Ministry with InterVarsity? (Yes, maybe) A different type of ministry like IJM or World Vision? Is it my dream to write full-time? I’m not so sure anymore. What could it be like to pursue a career in Corporate America after 13 yrs. in the non-profit sector? Of all my loves which should I pursue: speaking, training, education, writing, photography, college students? Should I keep moving with my recent ideas for The Black Sheep Magazine?

While I’ve worked all this out in the past on the blog, I have the feeling these decisions are too weighty for me to shake down in such a public forum.

I’ve had a few days where I nearly decided to shut down my blog, cancel and deactivate my FB & Twitter accounts…and like a ghost, disappear. Instead of being a crazy-rash-asshat, after some thought, decided to simply declare a 4-6 week break by doing the loving thing and letting y’all know I’m not dead, a drunk or checked into a mental facility.

If you’re of the praying variety, pray for me. I could use some discernment especially regarding #9. The only thing that’s for sure to continue -at this point- is work on my memoir. Nothing else is guaranteed which feels like a great place to be. I’m open to the Lord flipping my life upside down even more than it all ready is. Perhaps blogging will take more of a back seat in my life than it ever has in 7 years.

All I know is that I’m not willing to trade a life worth living for blogging, which sadly, insidiously, it seems I have been.

So. What’s Next?

As I mentioned in early May, I’m reading some great books right now & I’ve been LOVING the Beth Moore, King David character study with women from my Church. Besides that & all the extra family time that summer affords, I’m really looking forward to all this extra life-giving brain space and the (mostly) singular focus on these little gems…

{These two served their Grandma & me a lovely dessert on Mother’s day straight out of “Ransom & Rhysie’s Restaurant”}