CONTEST RESULTS!!!!: As Lt. Uhura would say (if she had been transported to the evil mirror-universe and had to fight off the advances of a dashingly scarfaced Sulu… again), “I’ve changed my mind–again.” You get the contest results now.

Your task was to suitably sanitize works of literature for use on the NY Regents exams.

THIRD PLACE: (Five-way tie; first four from Roy A. Sheetz) Moby.

Thus Suggested Zarathustra.

One Bible Among Others.

Ethics That Worked for Nichomachus And You May FInd Useful on Your Journey.

“Sing.” (For explanation and author click here)

SECOND PLACE: Long, but great, from the Kairos Guy: The First Letter of the tentmaker formerly known as Saul to the Greco-Romans, Romano-Greeks, Hebraic-Grecians, Afro-Romano-Grecios, LGBT Community, and other residents of Corinth.

The first division retroactively imposed by redactors

1 Paul, caused by a concussion to be a strong supporter of the historical persyn commonly known as Jesus [ed. note: deleted by ABC] through a messiah complex, and Sosthenes our male-gender-identified sibling, 2 Unto the cult of one of many Near Eastern deities which is at Corinth, to them that gain self-esteem through the self-actualization of [deleted] Jesus, called to be tolerant, with all that in every place call upon the name of Jesus [deleted] our Guru, both theirs and ours:

3 Understanding be unto you, and peace, from the Near Eastern deity our parent/helper-guide, and from the Guru Jesus [deleted].

4 I thank the Near Eastern deity always on your behalf, for the diversity of the Near Eastern deity which is given you by Jesus [deleted]; 5 That in every thing you are actualized by her, in all utterance, and in all cultural-specific premises. 6 Even as the supposed philosophy of the so-called Messiah was passed to you through a male-dominated oral tradition:

7 So that you receive a living wage; waiting for the coming of our Guru Jesus whom some believed long ago to be a king chosen by the Near Eastern deity, while others supposed him to be a wise teacher of philosophy, and then there are the Muslims, who thought he was a great prophet, and don’t get me started on David Koresh, who actually thought, because of a childhood trauma at the hands of an abusive aunt, that he really was Jesus. Who shall also affirm you unto the ending of what we perceive as life, whether by natural causes, accident, or euthanasia, 8 that you may be feel good about yourself and follow your conscience in the day of our Guru Jesus [deleted].

9 We suppose that the Near Eastern deity or our tradition is faithful, by whom our tradition teaches (without excluding other possibilities) that you were called unto the interpersynal relationship with its allegorical child Jesus the Teacher, whom we have

historically constructed into our spirit-guide.

10 Now I beseech you, comrades, by the name of the historical persyn Jesus the “Messiah”, that you all speak whatever your values allow, and that there be diversity among you; that you be perfectly joined together in tolerance and understanding of each other’s uniqueness as autonomous individuals.

11 For I perceive it to have been declared unto me of you, my metaphorical family members, by them which are of the house of the female Chloe whose role the patriarchy has suppressed, that there is intolerance among you.

12 Now a little bird told me that every one of you saith, I am of [S]aul; and I of Apollos; and I of Cephas; and I of the “Messianic Event Enabler.”

13 Is the Messianic Event Enabler divided? Was [S]aul crucified for you? [Ed. note: Because Paul was a citizen of the Hegemonic Power of the Day, he was given a form of capital punishment considered less “cruel” by the primitive standards of the day; our

postmodern understanding asserts that there was no difference] or were you immersed in water as part of a ritual which evolved out of the Babylonian and Assyrian traditions to assert membership in the cult in the name of [S]aul?

14 I thank the Near Eastern deity that I ritually bathed none of you, except Crispus and his partner Gaius, 15 lest any should say that I had ritually reenacted the annual flooding of the Nile in mine own name.

16 And I symbolically represented the purity rituals of early Hebraic/Philistinian [Ed. note: ancestors of today’s Palestinians, whom the Israelis are still trying to crush] cultic tradition also with the household of Stephanas. I know not whether I used water to create an allegory for the circle of life to any other crew.

17 For the dead persyn Jesus my concussion caused me to have delusions of sent me not to use water as a means of metaphorically washing away violations of the dominant cultural paradigm, but to share the values of our tradition in a non-threatening way: not with

judgementalism, lest the means of state-sanctioned murder of the so-called messianic persyn should be made less effective than a culturally imposed “ideal.”

18 For the preaching of the murder-device is to them who have other values different from their own no less valid for us; but unto us which values are our own it is the power of the Near Eastern deity, which does not mean there is only right answer.

19 For it is written in the Hebrew Bible “I will think outside the box of culturally-imposed values, and will not tolerate intolerance.”

20 Where is the wise female-gender-identified and/or male-gender-identified persyn? Where is the culture-transmitter? Where is the judgmental persyn of this world? Hath not the Near Eastern deity thought outside the box?

21 For after that, the culturally imperialistic values of those who believed in the values ascribed to the followers of the Near Eastern deity no longer knew the values of the Near Eastern deity because of the values of those people, our culture evolved a myth about the

Near Eastern deity saving them that believe as a way of improving the self-esteem of its followers.

22 For the residents of the now-defunct country of Judah ascribed cultural significance to naturally-occurring phenomena, and the

Greco-Hellenists attempt to explain the world through a Rationalistic eschatology.

23 But our values mythologize the “Messiah” murdered by an external empire interfering with the right of self-determination as an outgrowth of the Mithras cult, unto the polity of the citizens of Judea a buzzkill, and unto the Grecio-Americans a purely symbolic tale with no basis in observable, and hence reproducible, phenomena.

24 But unto them which seek to exclude others on the basis of belief, both Hebraio-Romano-Hellenicians and Non-Hebraio-Romano-Hellenicians, Jesus the symbol of the ancient worldview of anthropomorphic deities, and the intolerance of same.

25 Because our values teach (without imposing this on others) that the metaphorical foolishness of our Near Eastern deity is wiser than persyns; and the apparent weakness of the N.E.d. is stronger than persyns.

26 For consider your calling, allegorically adoptive family members, that no persyn knows any truth; 27 but the myth is that anthropomorphic Ned has chosen the things of the world that its values give lower priority to than others to raise awareness about the

intolerance of the knowledge-hegemons, and Ned’s philosophy is that strength is weakness.

28 The things I perceive through random chemical reactions to be a part of the world and the oppressed Ned’s followers use as a means of speaking truth to power, the things that are not perceived, so that it may empower the things that are, 29 so that no patriarchalist may deny the essence of Gaia before Ned.

30 But by its doing you metaphorically join with Jesus-as-resurrection-symbol, whose story is like so many shamanic tales throughout history, and who represents tolerance, diversity, openness and awareness.

31 So that, just as it is written in the Qumran texts, “IF YOU DON’T HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.”

GRAND PRIZE: Titus Androgenous. (Kathleen Wagner)

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Moby Body-Part. (Sandra Meisel)

“Mr. Leopold Bloom ate with low-sodium relish the fully-cooked inner organs of free-range beasts and fowls, plus a variety of other choices from each of the four food groups. He liked homemade carrot juice, nutty sunflower pate, roast jicama with a little balsamic vinegar, organic multigrain bread, and cholesterol-free egg substitute. Most of all he liked textured soy protein breakfast patties, which gave to his palate a fine tang of faintly scented simulated maple flavouring.” (Jane Wangersky)

Not-quite-honorable mention: This entry from the Talking Dog of Brooklyn doesn’t actually fit the rules of the contest, but it was pretty funny, especially the last line…

Although it appears that even mentioning the 10 commandments in public school is right out, perhaps this version from Bensonhurst area parochial schools may be useful in considering future “voucher approved” new curricula:

Da Ten Commandments.

I’m God– fugeddabout it.

Don’t you be taking my name in vain.

There ain’t no substitutes for me– fugeddabout it.

Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy.

Be nice to your mother.

Don’t kill nobody.

Don’t give ‘da salami to your neighbor’s wife.

Don’t steal nothin’.

Don’t squeal on your friends or say nothin’ to nobody.

Don’t be coveting thy neighbor’s house, wife, or nothin’ else of his.

Dat’s ten.