Happy Maladay, my loyal Clutterbuckaroos! The Season of Bureaucracy has crashed and rebooted, and we somehow made it through that, so now it’s time to shake off the burning embers and venerate the Discordian Apostle Malaclypse the Elder, Patron of the Season of Aftermath.
According to the Principia Discordia, Malaclypse the Elder is:
A wandering Wiseman of Ancient Mediterrania (“Med-Terra” or middle earth), who followed a 5-pointed Star through the alleys of Rome, Damascus, Baghdad, Jerusalem, Mecca and Cairo, bearing a sign that seemed to read “DOOM”. (This is a misunderstanding. The sign actually read “DUMB”. Mal-1 is a Non-Prophet.) Patron and namesake of Mal-2.
Truth is often hidden in fiction, and we learn more of Mal-1’s history in the Illuminatus! Trilogy, where he appears as an immortal, shapeshifting being of pure intuition, impersonating Billy Graham, Satan, Jean-Paul Sartre, and a cab driver. He also masqueraded as Jesus after the crucifixion, pretty much just because he could, and for idle amusement, he likes to invent conspiracy theories.
Originally a priest of Eris in the 4th century BCE who was trained in the rites of Hermes, Dionysus, Heracles, Aphrodite, Athena, and Hera, Malaclypse was granted illumination and immortality during the Athenian massacre of Melos in 416 BCE, when Eris decided to go against type and answer a prayer for a change. Malaclypse doesn’t really have a cognate like the other Discordian Apostles we’ve met so far (Dr. Van Van Mojo, Sri Syadasti, and Zarathud); instead, he represents the spirit of subversion within contemporary philosophy and the Abrahamic religions.
Malaclypse the Elder is Jesus as a political activist; he’s Lucifer jumping from heaven instead of falling. He’s the voice of dissent within a once radical, now mainstream establishment that says, “This is clearly not working anymore. Let’s take it apart before somebody burns it down.” And he’s the sole, ash-covered survivor standing amidst the smoldering rubble, shaking his head and muttering, “I told you so.”
The Season of Aftermath is the Discordian equivalent of Tower Time. Discord leads to Confusion, which crystallizes into Bureaucracy, which in turn creates an unsustainable system — eventually, it collapses. But that’s a good thing, since destruction always leads to creation: Every time Aneris takes something away, Eris creates something new to replace it.
And since Malaclypse is such a fan of conspiracies, I think the perfect way to honor him on his special day is to create some new ones.
I can’t find it now, but I once read this brilliant thing on Reddit about a guy who had some random lady in a store fuss at him for wearing a face mask. In response, he explained that she was correct: Masks don’t protect against COVID-19. However, they do disrupt the current administration’s facial recognition software, thus disrupting the continued oppression of God-fearing Christians.
“I saw it on Fox News,” he said. “They had machines and everything.”
As he was leaving the store, he overheard her on the phone, telling someone else about the importance of wearing masks. If you don’t have an innovative conspiracy theory of your own to share, I’m sure that borrowing and spreading this one would please Malaclypse to no end.
A traditional (insofar as anything within Discordianism can be called traditional) method of celebrating Maladay is to play the game Flip the Table, the origins of which are allegedly attributed to Mal-1 himself. Any number of participants can play: All you need is two to 23 friends and a table, preferably covered with symbols of Bureaucracy (overdue bills, user manuals, Windows 10, etc.).
With appropriate music in the background (Rage Against the Machine would be a good choice, or anything by the KLF), players grab hold of the table and, on cue, lift and toss, with the goal of causing the table to land in an interesting, unexpected way. Players may also wish to scry in the patterns of debris left over once the table and its contents hit the ground.
Flip the Table can really be played at any time during the Season of Aftermath, although protests and riots make the game more entertaining and meaningful. Try throwing the table through a police barricade for extra points, or attempt a variation in which whoever traps the most anti-vaxxers under a table wins.
Reinvent the rules however you’d like, or just reinvent yourself. It’s Aftermath, and there are pieces everywhere, so pick them up and put them together however you see fit: I wholeheartedly believe that Malaclypse the Elder will be wildly entertained by whatever you create.
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