Balloon Boy’s Dad: “Feel Like Doublin’ Your Allowance, Son?”

flyboy [Today it was discovered that Richard Henne had knowingly misled the press into thinking that his son Falcon had accidentally been sent sailing on a balloon.]

(The time is three days ago. Richard Henne enters the bedroom of his son, Falcon.)

Richard: There’s my little high flier!

Falcon: Is the balloon finished?

Richard: It is! She’s ready to fly now!

Falcon: Finally!

Richard: Yep. Boy, is that thing gonna fly.

Falcon: Cool.

Richard: Say, son, I was thinking. How’d ya’ like to double your allowance?

Falcon: I would love that.

Richard: Well, I’ve got a proposition for you. Remember when we were on that TV show?

Falcon: “Wife Swap”?

Richard: I forget what it was called.

Falcon: It was “Wife Swap.”

Richard: I can’t really remember. I think it was …

Falcon: “Wife Swap.”

Richard: The name of the show isn’t important, Falcon. What’s important is how much fun it was being on TV. Wasn’t being on TV the most fun ever?

Falcon: No.

Richard: Yes it was.

Falcon: No it wasn’t. It made mom cry all the time. And everybody at school made fun of me. Being on that show made me feel crazy.

Richard: Well, the important thing is we made a lot of money from being on that show.

Falcon: We did?

Richard: Well, no, actually, we didn’t. But we should have, don’t you think?

Falcon: I dunno.

Richard: Oh, believe me, we should have. We were famous, Falcon. And famous people make money. They’re supposed to, anyway.

Falcon: I guess.

Richard: Oh, trust me: they are. We just … blew it. But now I’ve got a new plan to make us famous! And guess who’s the star of that plan is, Falcon? You!

Falcon: I’m not going up in the balloon.

Richard: What?

Falcon: I don’t care if you gave me a million dollars a week. I’m not going up in that balloon.

Richard: What makes you think I would ask you to go up in my scientifically perfect balloon that’s totally safe?

Falcon: Hello? Storm chasers!

Richard: But son, that was different. Nobody can control a tornado. My balloon, on the other hand, is perfectly …

Falcon: I knew you wanted me to go up in that thing! It’s not gonna happen, Dad. Forget it.

Richard: But …

Falcon: If you ask me to fly in that balloon, I swear I’ll throw up.

Richard: But it’s perfectly safe! All you have to do is ….

Falcon [putting hand to mouth]: Glurp.

Richard: Okay, okay. Fine. Ruin your family’s only chance to get rich and famous again. Fine. That’s great.

Falcon: Hey, I know. Why don’t you just say I went up in the balloon?

Richard: Please, son—I’m trying to think. How this balloon can make us famous is an adult problem that needs an adult solution.

Falcon: But I can just hide in the attic or something—and then you release the balloon with that box thing on it, see, and then you act all scared, and tell everyone that you think I’m in the box!

Richard: Its not right to lie, son.

Falcon: But you just say you think I’m in the box!

Richard [pause]: But what’ll happen when the balloon lands, and everyone sees you’re not in the box?

Falcon: Who cares? By then you’ll already be famous!

Richard: [long pause]: I love you, son.

Falcon: I love you too, Dad. Now, about that raise in my allowance …

Richard: Slow down, Falcon. Let me think about your plan for awhile. Tell you what: if I do it, and if it works, we’ll talk.

Falcon: What if it really works?

Richard: Then we’ll really talk.

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