Prison Lessons

(Editor’s Note: Tim Thurman is guest posting today. Tim’s been a familiar friend to us here. I’m honored to share his work with you.)

Tim Thurman graduated first in his class in law school and had his own law firm…until he committed his crime.  He spent six months in prison and had six months house arrest for forging a Federal judge’s signature.  Now that he can no longer practice law, he is an entrepreneur and an aspiring author.  He blogs regularly on three different blogs:  (a) his own blog (www.timthurmansblog.blogspot.com); (b) a blog that examines the writings of C.S. Lewis (www.cslewiswisdom.blogspot.com); and (c) a blog where he is debating an atheist (www.andrewvtim.blogspot.com).

I had to arrive for check-in by 11 a.m.. I was allowed to “self-surrender.”  My closest friends drove me – they drove me because they would be dropping me off.  As we drove up to the gates, I put on a brave face, but inside I was terrified — fear of my own personal safety, frightened about the unknown, afraid of being forgotten. My friends were dropping me to Federal prison.

I presented myself to the lady at the counter and she called for a guard.  He came a minute later, the size of the Incredible Hulk and looking just as angry.  But it turned out that he was kindly. He went through my sparse belongings, things that I had brought with me, hoping to bring in with me. It was not much, but it was comfort – my Bible, a couple of paperback books, and some pictures. He gave it all to my friends except my Bible and one picture of my children.

He told me to say my goodbyes. I did so reattaching my brave face for the benefit of my friends.  The guard and I chatted amicably as we walked “behind the fence.”  He was genuinely trying to assure me that things would be fine.  Could he sense my rising panic?  We arrived at another counter, I was issued a uniform that did not really fit, fingerprinted, and my picture taken. The guard who took my picture choose the most hideous picture of the lot for my ID card.

Then they put me in a solitary cell.  Four walls of cinderblock painted brilliant white.  There was a toilet, no partition or door for privacy, just sitting in a corner of the room.  I suppose there was no need for privacy, the only window was a tiny slit in the steel door.  The only light came from a bright fluorescent light that was covered in cage.

I had been nervous before but soon after I was placed in that cell, despair and fear hit like an emotional hay-maker followed by an uppercut.

And, perhaps worst of all, I had never felt so alone.

I remember very clearly wondering, “How did I get here?”  It was more of a rhetorical question than anything else.  Technically, that was not a difficult question to answer. I had committed a crime.  Specifically, I had forged a Federal judge’s signature in an attempt to keep a woman from being thrown out of her house. Yet, I still could not keep myself from wondering how I had gotten there. I mean, I had grown up a missionary kid; I had God fearing parents who loved me, and whom had passed on their faith to me.  I was successful in school, I was athletic, and voted, “Most Likely To Succeed”.  I graduated first in my class from law school; I had had a successful law firm. Yet, here I was in an 8 x 8 cell with a toilet in the corner that did not even have a toilet seat. The panic and despair was then joined by a third deadly emotion – self-loathing. There was no one to blame but myself. I was the fool. It was my own fault.

Perhaps you can relate.  You may not be a convicted felon like me, but have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you cannot believe where you are and you wonder where to begin to rebuild your life? How does one dig himself out of such a hole?

1. Forgiveness:  I have a friend who likes to say that, ‘the first rule of holes is to stop digging.”  You continue to dig yourself a hole until you are able to forgive yourself.  Yes, maybe what you have done is terrible. Yes, perhaps you have made a mess of your life.  Yes, it will be hard to get out of the hole you are in.  Even so, no matter what you have done, your story is not over, all things can be overcome, and often the process of digging yourself out will make you in to a person of great strength.  Also, often when we have made a mess of our lives, we think we are in the minority, that is, that no one else has messed up as badly as us.  Nothing is further from the truth; almost everyone has something in their past that they regret deeply.  Give yourself a bit of a break.

2. Friends: In our culture, we laud independence and self-sufficiency.  Yet, having a few trusted friends with whom you can genuinely talk to is key to beginning to rebuild your life.  True healing will only begin once you are able to identify the issue from the past, and to talk about it.  We are always tempted to bury it. The longer we bury our failures, the longer they will haunt us.  Pain and fear will not stay buried. They will begin to harvest themselves in lethal ways throughout our lives – unless we begin to talk about it with others. Confession is good for the soul. You need friends with whom you can talk authentically and whom you can trust completely.  Those type of friends are few and far between. Find them, open up to them, and treasure them.

3. Focus: So much of life is about choosing what we focus on.  Knowing what to focus on when you are in a hole is tricky.  On one hand, your past cannot be ignored.  But, at the same time, as soon as we can, we need to move on from our failure and begin to focus on our future.  However, when we have dug ourselves a very deep hole, we should not focus too far in the future because we will see how far we have to go and become discouraged.

No, we need to learn from our past and move on from it as soon as possible. We need to focus on the future, but not too far in the future. When you are beginning to dig yourself out of the mess, focus only on “the next right thing”, and begin to take baby steps in the right direction.  The important thing is not where you have been, but the direction you are headed.

You do not need to let your past define you. The key is beginning to move in the right direction.  You do that by stopping your digging and forgiving yourself.  You do that by leaning on a few trusted friends.  And you do that by focusing on the future and beginning toward the new reality you want.

I am not proud that I am a convicted felon, but I am excited about the direction that I am heading. I have a long way to go to rebuild my life, but I am choosing to focus on short term goals and moving in the right direction. A big help to me are a few close friends.

No matter where you or what is in your past, you can dig yourself out of this hole.