Whatcha Looking For?

Every time we enter into a New Year, I’m consumed with dual thoughts. My birthday is January 26^th, so each New Year presents a plate full of ambition and fear. I’m a kid born in the seventies, groomed in the eighties, and got my swagger from the nineties. During the nineties I released an album titled “Whatcha Lookin’ 4?” (We spelled everything like that back in the day!) Basically, it was my way of raising the question to my audience at the time of their pursuit of a God centered life in the midst of a new flashy and fast decade. Churches were getting bigger, albums were flying off the shelves by the replacement of CD’s and the tech boom was knocking on everyone’s door.

My birthday is just a few days away… After a good deep look into my soul (a soul that has not been totally free from the casualties of the cultural wars around us, more things, bigger churches that are less filled, CD’s now used as coasters for Uncle Ricky’s Mr. PIBB, selfies with someone at the smoothie king I don’t even ask if my ministry has touched her life, cause I don’t wanna look weird at the Smoothie King, and now a father of children that I’m afraid every day are less interested in their father’s God), it’s time again, twenty years after the release of that body of  work to ask myself “Whatcha lookin’ 4?

Do I want another year of the “hamster wheel?” The wheel that impresses everyone because busy looks like growth. Not always true in God’s economy. Sometimes the “being still” is the place of strength, courage, and a peace that is beyond priceless. When I’m forced to be still, to be at home, to not be on the road making a big deal out of God [and myself when the flesh can sneak some self glory in!] it can be an ego attack like none other!

See, in my line of work, you MUST look like you’re relevant, in demand, like your calendar needs a calendar! Image. That ugly monster. So to be at a place where I’m not doing anything looks like my well has run dry. But if I’m honest, I have run on fumes so many times in my life, not giving the people a fresh word because I haven’t sat my butt down long enough to get one, I regret the times I didn’t close the door, turn off the internet that robbed me of my nineties, and not look at how many twitter followers I lose if I don’t conjure up something impressive to say.

The world will not get quieter; so I must.

And I must be willing to do whatever it takes to be diligent in “not being busy.” To be ok in the next interview when they ask “So what’s next?” to be the biggest dude in the room, at 5’4’’ and say “I don’t know, but God does.” It’s the truth aint it?! I’m not that smart to come from the life of hell and struggle I’ve been through to serve in the level of ministry I have for over two decades. No GED, no parents, just an overflow of supersized, over the top, bucket load of GRACE.

And what am I looking for?

Ah, that’s the question!

I’m looking to find the little kid, wearing GoodWill clothes and recycling newspapers for piano lessons with his adopted elderly mother who loved God so much, she planted that seed of him and his music into her newly adopted four year old son. That son who would climb on top of the roof at night and sing songs to God because he was the only playmate I had at the time. A place and time where I had… time. It was honest, pure, uncontaminated with religion or dogma, but just a friend named Jesus.

I believe I’ve lost some of that, while working for Jesus. The same way a man can love his wife, but lose her along the journey. That’s what I’m looking for.

Along with that CD of AL Green stuck to the bottom of my Uncle Ricky’s soda.

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