This is Entertaining

This is Entertaining May 4, 2012

Readers inform me that, in certain circles elsewhere at St. Blog’s there is now earnest speculation going on as to whether I am “secretly gay”. This is no doubt due to the fact that I think highly of Perry Lorenzo, a man guilty of no sin that I am aware of, who loved his Catholic faith, loved Jesus Christ, and who never, so far as I can tell, deliberately acted or spoke against any of its doctrines or moral teachings (sexual ones included). But he was “guilty” of the crime of having feelings and a disordered orientation that gives them the willies, so if I speak well of him then, well, *you* know what that means.

The great thing about such gossip circles is that, when they get revved up, everything proves the Narrative. Have I been sharply critical of gay bullies like Dan Savage? Well, you see, that is because I want homosexuals to look good to the general public so that we can further Our Agenda. Have I repeatedly affirmed the Church’s teaching on sex (it’s reserved for heterosexual marriage between one man and one woman, in case you didn’t know). Well, that’s because I *have* to say stuff like that to infiltrate the Church. Am I happily married to the woman I love with four kids? Lots of deeply closeted gays like me act that way. But Some Guy with A Keyboard can see through *that* flimsy disguise.

You see, the way you can tell I’m gay is that I once had lunch with Fr. Robert Sirico. No. Seriously. A reader yesterday, whose valuable commentary has sadly disappeared from my comboxes due to my stringent “no babbling paranoid conspiracy theorists” requirement, had it all figured out. My one lunch with a group of people who included Fr. Sirico, back in 2006 and chronicled in that clearing house for loony Jew-hatred known as Culture Wars, means that a sinister gay neocon Zionist alliance has been formed and Fr. Siriico and I are working to destroy the vigilant E. Michael Jones, whose magazine has bravely tried to warn the world of the menace that Jews, Sirico, and me–and especially Jews, by the way, who are the “enemies of the world” (did I mention that?)–are part of the cabal. So on the one hand, you have the courageous people like Jones, Sungenis, Voris and Brammer working against the JewGayNeoconAmChurchZionistGayJewAmNeoChurchCon Conspiracy, and then you have the members of that conspiracy, like me and my secret gay conspirator Fr. Sirico.

Naturally, I have to work under deep cover to achieve our nefarious goals. My dubiousness about the Immaculate Conception of the State of Israel, my rejection of gay agitprop for the legitimacy of gay sex and gay “marriage”, my frank skepticism about the Acton Institute rah rahing for the neocons, the fact that the substance of my conversation with Fr. Sirico that day was about a fine priest of blessed memory and not about our plans to rule the world and turn it into the Tenderloin District and the East Village?

All smokescreens.Fr. Sirico is irredeemably evil. His hostility against the Church back in the 70s is, like that of Saul of Tarsus, proof that a leopard cannot change his spots and that True Catholics[TM] must not weaken and fall for that “repentance and change” crap. The fact is, Jesus died for straight people alone, so it is a categorical impossibility that Fr. Sirico has, in fact, repented his homosexual sins and committed his life to Jesus Christ and the Catholic faith. Far, far more likely it is that one lunch six years ago constituted the establishment of a conspiratorial “alliance” to destroy the Church so complex and horrible that even if I could explain it to you simple-minded trusting dupes, you couldn’t understand it. Muuwahahahahah!

So, a week that began with this post and which included this take down of dumb gay exegesis of Scripture, concludes with members of the St. Blog’s Crackbarrel Inquisition seriously speculating that I’m gay. It’s the human capacity for such mercurial mob stupidity that has always made it easy for me to credit what many moderns find incredible: that a mob could shout “Hosanna” one day and, five days later, shout “Crucify”. Men and women can be wise, but Man is a fool.

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  • CJ

    As someone who was troubled by some aspects of your post about Lorenzo, I’d like to make it clear that I don’t want any of that crowd over at St. Blog’s standing close to me.

  • Nick

    Seriously Mark, why do you bother with this stuff? You made your point on Savage. You made your point on Lorenzo. You handled the debate with Lobrisco with class but for some reason, you get all wrapped around the axel because somewhere out there in the vast wasteland called the interwebs, some people who have never met you think you might be gay. Really? You actually give a crap? Let it go. I can only speak for myself but the reason I stop byyour blog daily is because I know I will get a solid, measured and reasoned analysis of the culture at large from an authentic Catholic viewpoint. These types of posts seem to come from a different Mark that is better left unposted. Not saying its not human to have the reaction you clearly are demonstrating but you seem to abandon your sense of thoughtfulness from time to time on such silly matters by posting about them.

    • Robert

      Um…how about this:

      1) It’s his blog, not yours. Therefore…

      2) He can post whatever he feels like posting.

      3) If you don’t like it, you can skip it.

      4) The sword you’re using cuts both ways: I don’t find your comment too particularly insightful or charitable, but I’m not taking swipe at your mental state or your sensibilities simply because you posted something that I don’t really care to see on a blog that I like. See how that works?

  • Dan

    Mark Shea approves of Perry Lorenzo? Then that means… da Vinci’s treasure is buried under the Grand Orient de France!

    • ivan_the_mad

      Nice attempt at misdirection, Dan, but we all saw this post’s tag and know where the treasure really lies. That’s why “They’re Tunneling Under Your House!”

  • Michelle

    Wear the label with pride (er, Pride), Mark. I read somewhere (can’t find it now) that St. Therese of Lisieux once said that she wished that she could have been thought to have entered Carmel as a reformed woman of ill repute, presumably to be in closer solidarity with the weakness of the human condition. When asked how she would have handled questions about her “past,” she smiled and said she would have said that she had made a complete confession of her sins and that her confessor had forbidden her to speak of her “past life.” (Note, every word she would have said could well have been literally true, she would not have lied; she would merely have let others think of her however they wanted.)

  • thomas tucker

    Well, it was pretty obvious once we knew you had a background in theatre!

    • Mark Shea

      Musical theatre, no less!

      • Optimistic Pessimist

        Grab the pitchforks!

  • Marion (Mael Muire)

    Mark Shea, you and I have met in person. Now, during my many years as a single gal, I, like many, many others out there in the single world, was forced to develop military-grade gay-dar, and once you have that, the automatic activiation kicks in whenever you’re meet a man for the first time. Your score, Mark? Way straight. As straight as they come. And my gay-dar is never wrong.

    As for these other people speculating about you, I thought a few excerpts from the Book of Proverbs might aptly characterize their words and actions: The tongue of the wise pours out knowledge, but the mouth of fools spews folly.
    The stupid sow discord by their insolence, but wisdom is with those who take counsel.
    The simple have folly as an adornment, but the shrewd wear knowledge as a crown.
    Face a bear robbed of her cubs, but never fools in their folly!”

    (From Prov. 13, 14, 15 and 17)

    • thomas tucker

      Yea, but did you know that he watches Glee??? With glee???

      • Mark Shea

        THAT IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL!!!!! I watch Warehouse 13 and Eureka

        • thomas tucker

          Mm hm.
          That may be so. But the curious thing is the dog that didn’t bark, my friend, and I don’t think I’ve EVER seen you at a Seahawks game, painted in blue and green while swilling beer and yelling obscenities like an authentic straight dude.
          Actually, even the women do that at Seahawks games. Huh, I wonder if they’re all lesbians…..

        • Andy

          Then you must be as sad as I am that Eureka is coming to an end. I watch Warehouse 13 as well, but I really enjoy the Saturday evening new movies. Thanks for what you write and how you present yourself.

        • Thomas R

          I don’t know, someone with disordered attractions could find some of the guys on Eureka tempting. Um you know other guys with the disorder, not me:)

          Seriously you have a wife and kids. And you’re young and in Washington, so no need for a “lavender marriage.” These people are just crackers, it might be good advice to ignore them.

    • So, Marion is actually Mark Shea under a different name (obviously, trying to sweep the whole thing under the rug!!)….wow, you learn something new every day!

      Just kidding. Sorry, Mark, but it’s inevitable once you make yourself a public figure on the interwebs, that the crazy denizens thereof will turn their crazy ravings to the subject of Mark Shea.

    • Michelle

      I know you’re trying to be funny, but you may want to re-think claims of having “gaydar.” The term started among homosexuals to describe their own supposed intuitive ability to recognize one of their own.

      • Rachel K

        As a chaste bisexual, I can accurately claim to have gaydar. Mark is straight. 🙂

        Of course, by identifying as a chaste bisexual and siding with Mark, I’ve PROVEN that he’s really gay…

        • Thomas R

          Maybe I’m not actually a chaste bisexual then because I don’t think I have “gaydar.”

        • But, of course all correctthinkers know that bisexuals are really “cowardly fence-sitters” who just won’t admit what they REALLY are. I guess that means especially the chaste ones.

  • Mercury

    This whole thing would be simply hilarious if it were not appalling. Some people are simply incapable of charity it seems – some of those who cry the most about the Truth and Tradition. Rash judgment and calumny, detraction and credulity? No problem!

  • But…. but…. but….. if you DENOUNCED his sexual proclivities, that would also “prove” that you are a “closet gay’.

    As Lewis says, ‘the doctor here can diagnose poison without examining the corpse, for he has a theory of poison he will maintain whatever the state of the organs turns out to be.”

  • Dale Price

    Jews. Gays. Skeptical of capitalism. Hmmm… there’s something going on here.

    I HAVE IT!

    You’re a member of the People’s Front of Jewgaya.

    • Mark Shea

      For this, you must die.

      • Dale Price

        For the punnery or the exposure? Or…both?

  • My understanding is that some Christian denominations (not Catholicism) teach that even same sex attraction is sinful. Is this correct?

    • Rosemarie


      I don’t know about any particular denominations, but it’s true some Christians don’t make a clear distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual activity. They just say “Homosexuality is a sin.” They don’t qualify that statement and maybe don’t see the need to do so. I guess they are not familiar with moral theology.

  • FdS

    That’s quite a response, Mark. They must have really touched a nerve, huh?

    (Note: Just kidding! Merely wanted to provide one more example of how *everything* proves the narrative. It’s not just St. Blogg’s; in our culture’s strange obsession with homosexuality, it’s an insinuation that can *never* be be satisfactorily refuted.)

    • Mark Shea

      You just saying that to deflect suspicion from yourself. 🙂

    • TheRealAaron

      Will we have a St. Blogg before we have a St. Chesterton?

  • FdS

    PS — had Mark provided a gentler response, or no response at all, well, that would have held up as “evidence” as well.

  • Well, I missed the whole ‘you’re secretly gay’ undercurrent. Don’t see where anyone got that. But with that said, it must be admitted that homosexuality is a unique subject in the Church. I mean, think of a parallel. I can think of comparing lust with gluttony for instance, but homosexuality doesn’t fit. Nor does greed or sloth. There just isn’t a ‘disordered appetite’ out there that, unless physically consummated, appears to have nothing wrong with it. And I think that’s where a lot of the problems come in. The problems on this blog with this topic in the debate appear to have come from early misunderstandings and wordings, but I sure never saw a point where I thought there was a cover up over secret sexual orientation. That’s just silly.

    • Andy, Bad Person

      I think the accusatory posts were deleted.

    • Thomas R

      No offense to any fellow SSAs, but would meth addiction be a disordered appetite? Because it’s a desire for something the body doesn’t need even in moderation.

  • Joe

    You?! Gay?! Naw, I can’t imagine you in the brownshirt-black-leather-shorts garb description you use to tag your posts with, I–AH CRAP! ERASE THE MENTAL IMAGE!!! AHH!

  • antigon

    Dear Mr. Shea: Nice try, but I believe you did yourself note recently the view of respected theologians that everything and everybody from the beginning of time is fecalist, or gay, if you prefer that the more common imprecise nomenclature.

    Elementary logic would mean that includes you I should think, save for this impossibility: that said theologians could also be called fecalists given the relation of their thought to where their heads seem apparently to reside.

  • arrogant b*trad

    Were I you Mark, I would have a very short post in response to these ridiculous accusations:
    “I don’t respond to illiterate retards”.

  • Ted Seeber

    For being gay, you sure have a lot of natural children.

    • Mark Shea

      I’m under deep cover.

      • Misty

        Deep under the covers. I’ll be here all week! Tip your waitresses.

  • michicatholic

    Having lunch with Fr. Sirico doesn’t mean you’re gay. It merely means that you have bad taste in lunch companions. :p