by Joe Sand cross posted from his blog Incongruous Circumspection
One year ago my husband and I decided that we were ready to expand our family and bring a little one into our lives. Most people would think that I am like the rest of the general population, and that I would have made the decision because I wanted to start a family. Little did everyone know that every fiber of my being screamed against it. I knew that Nate wanted a baby and had been ready for quite some time. So… I guess I decided to do it for him.
The moment I found out I was pregnant was like no other. I was so excited that I almost cried and I couldn’t get to Nate to tell him fast enough! That was the last moment in my entire pregnancy that I felt that way. Shortly after the excitement of telling everyone in our families that we were expecting, the reality set in for me. From that day on all I could think about was myself and how things were changing for me. Oh I put on a good face and knew all the right words and the right way to act when someone else was happy for me; but every step was laced with the dread that I could not now avoid the end result.
My body was changing and I hated every moment of it. I had taken pride in how I looked before and there was nothing I could do but stand by and watch this thing inside me change my shape.
We had three ultrasounds and during each of them I could see her and feel a little closer; but as I would leave the office the feeling would quickly fade. Part of the reason I felt this way was because of the way I grew up. I was seriously afraid of repeating the mistakes that were made in my childhood… you know; you repeat your parents mistakes yada yada yada.
People would ask me if I was returning to work full time and I would always respond the same way. “I would go insane staying home. There’s no way I would want to drop down from full time work. I’m going to need that time away from her.” I would talk about the people that were stay at home moms and scorn them behind their backs. (For those of you that know who you are I sincerely apologize!!!)
The week before I went into labor I was sitting at work knowing that the time was drawing ever closer. I had a panic attack thankfully when no one was around to see it.
When May 5th rolled around and I knew I was going into labor, I didn’t have much time to think about anything else. I just knew the inevitable day had come and whether I wanted this or not it was happening. At 8:53 am on May 6th she made her entrance into this world. When they handed her to me for the first time, I made sure that I made it look like I wanted to hold her. I was very relieved when they took her away to clean her up and get her vital signs.
That whole first day I looked forward to every visitor that walked through the door. That would mean I didn’t have to be left with her and have to face that fact that I had a daughter to care for. I was afraid to go home.
I’m not really sure when things started changing for me, but it seemed to happen fairly fast. How can you possibly look into the face of one of your own and not grow to love them! I find it silly now that any of those emotions had a hold on me at all!
Now every time I look at her, or think about her there is nothing more that I want than to be with her. To think that I talked about the mothers that stayed home, and now more than anything I wish I could be one of them! Joseline has changed me more than anything else that I have encountered in life and to that I say, “Thank you honey”!!!! You are the best thing that could have ever happened to me! The love that I have for you is unavoidable and unending!
I am a 30 something husband of one and father of 6 dynamic and loud children. My wife and I are still madly in love – at least in my view. My world is exciting, tense, and full of life. I love to write and hope to one day, do it full time. – Incongruous Circumspection
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