When Satan Sits on Your Face?

When Satan Sits on Your Face? June 29, 2019

So today is a quick and dirty. A direct quote from John Piper of Desiring God. He really said this. But I’m not sure he thought much about how it would sound and where most folks minds might take it.

A pile of folks might feel like the need for saving if the devil sat on their face every morning, either that or join a Satanic cult.

There are so many dirty filthy jokes I could be cracking right now if it were not for a dirty word filter. But I am restraining myself. Just barely. Cannot stop laughing.

When it happens to me I just shove the cat off my head.

What’s the worst unintentional funny thing you’ve seen said in Evangelical land where the meaning is something entirely different and you cannot stop giggling?


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NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

I Fired God by Jocelyn Zichtermann

13:24 A Dark Thriller by M Dolon Hickmon

About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 32 years. You can read more about the author here.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Matt Brooker (Syncretocrat)

    Remember: when Satan sits on your face, you’ve nearly got him licked

  • TheBookOfDavid

    This is no matter for levity. Whenever we are not vigilant, Satan is always right there to slip his insidious influence through the back door. We are fighting a rear guard action to beat him off at every turn.

  • mordred

    “When the devil farts into your face, you have to wash it with holy water!”

    And I wish I could remember where I read that…

  • Michael Neville

    One of my favorite fundamentalist comments ever was from someone talking about the King James Bible. She said something like: “It was written by King James because he wanted a divorce from his wife but the Pope wouldn’t grant it.”

  • Friend

    “Forgive us our falling shorts”

  • Drat

    Because someone had to post it.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkJnd9rSAQ8

  • Lurker111

    Julie Newmar as Miss Devlin in the Twilight Zone episode, “Of Late I Think of Cliffordville.” I think I could face that in the mornings. (Back in my high school days, a LOT of guys had, um, feelings for Ms. Newmar. 🙂 )

  • Jim Jones

    James was England’s gayest king!

  • Saraquill

    My cats are not Satan, thankyouverymuch.

  • Martin Penwald

    Matinal erections are perfectly normal.

  • wannabe

    Perhaps John Piper suffers frequent “incubus attacks”, a sleep disturbance involving vivid dreams while waking up but still under sleep paralysis. They often involve frightening sexual content. See, e.g., Incubus Attack by John Cline Ph.D., Psychology Today, 08 Sep 2008.

  • Karen

    Piper can’t stand the thought of giving any other person pleasure!

  • Karen

    “Some monarchs curl up with books; our King curls up with a page.”

  • otrame

    I think I just fell in love with you. I’m sitting right here, thinking I love you.

    I always did have a soft spot for smartässes.

  • otrame

    Wow. That’s… ignorant.

    It was the dad of the person who killed James’ mom who wanted a divorce.

  • otrame

    One of my daughters in law called those a “glad-to-be-alive”.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Mine is at 3 am. Satan takes a hold of him and he puts iguanas in the bed and begs for canned cat food.

  • hermes brookover

    Sit on my face and tell me that you love me… Monty Python.

  • hermes brookover

    i love that, if i ever get to the point where i dont love that, it will be time to die.

  • Friend

    Fight back! Walk into the kitchen and make noise with whatever can opener you have. Do anything but open a can, while kitty watches.

    You’ll never get back to sleep, but at least you’ll have revenge. ;^)

  • TheSweetgirl79

    Yep, no gay overtones. Nope nope.

  • Michael Neville

    I explained the relationship between Henry VIII and James I (and VI).

  • Michael Neville

    My wife called it “the morning missile”.

  • Michael Neville

    That’s what they want you to think.

  • Michael Neville

    That is wicked. However remember that your cat comes equipped with claws and a long memory.

  • otrame

    The history of the English monarchs was a real soap opera for a while there. Well, always, really, but it was cranked up to 11 starting about the time of “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of York” and continuing at least until the Glorious Revolution.

  • otrame

    Ms. Newman had very long, very well-muscled legs. I am a mostly straight woman, but there are a few women who can cause a few tingles.

  • Karen the rock whisperer

    Actually, were I religious, I might interpret waking up in the morning during some of my extreme depressive episodes as having evil sitting on my face. Maybe the lad has issues unrelated to suppressing healthy sexual urges.

  • AFo

    Why his face? Wouldn’t his heart make more sense?

  • Jennifer

    The ironic thing? I get what he means, the feeling of waking up and feeling you have to kick something negative away. Doesn’t always happen, thank God, but I hate it. That’s just not the way I’d phrase it.

  • Patricia Lakin
  • Jennifer

    On the funnier note here? Let’s see, classic QF stupid lines: James Mcdonald’s words that women in power are a curse, but sometimes God gave us women like Deborah who were a “benevolent curse”. And poor Kelly Brown’s words about how her dad just hung out all the time with the guy courting her and “he really fell in love with him before I did!”

  • Talos2264

    I don’t kink shame them. So why are they kink shaming me?

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Don’t get him started on the gays, always ramming their agenda down our throats. They would bring True Christians to their knees, if they had their way with them!

  • I call it “the alarm clock”.

  • And here I thought that the “god’s liquid love” analogies were racy…

  • Mike Panic

    Nor is mine.

  • Mike Panic

    That is easily solved. Feed kitty at night after you play with it using something it can chase. It is called chase, eat, groom and sleep. My friend and I had that problem until we were told by someone to try it. My BF and I had peace, and we slept until the alarm. Jackson Galaxy of Animal Planet’s “My Cat From Hades” recommends it too. Sadly he is allowed to use that naughty word on television while I am treated and censored as a recalcitrant child if I use it.

  • Mike Panic

    Like Roy Moore.

  • Mike Panic

    Lips that touch holy water will never touch mine!

  • Mike Panic

    Many of them already are!

  • Mike Panic

    Silly kristers have to blame a make believe devil instead of their god. See if this gets quarantined.

  • klaxanite

    I hope his Satan bleaches.

  • Michael Neville

    The story of George III and his sons was soap opera. Edward VIII and his numerous affairs with married women, culminating with Wallis Simpson as his mistress and later wife, was also worthy of a long-running soap opera.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    Did I see what you did there, or am I too dirty minded?
    Edit: I’ve answered my own question: I’ve just seen your other post. Nicely done.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    You misspelled “clock”.

  • He wishes. He probably regrets waking up from such dreams. At least (that we know of), this wasn’t a discussion about sex. Considering that he said that Christianity had a “masculine feel,” incubus is more appropriate than succubus.

  • Why, in the video where he talks about how much domestic abuse a woman should take while submitting to her husband, the best example he could come up with for protesting something that a wife might not want to do at her husbands behest, the most available example was “group sex.” WTH? Not money issues which I understand are a primary reason for marital woes… He comes up with group sex.

  • B.A.

    As long as the page is an underage girl. 🙁

  • B.A.

    Talk about a Freudian slip!

  • Mike Panic

    LOL. So true in so many ways.

  • Mike Panic

    Roiight. Dennis Hastert was the one doing boys.

  • bekabot

    Have said before, will say again: the ideal woman in Fundagelical life is a nonentity, and it’s hard to fall for one of those; OTOH, if you’re a man, you are permitted (or even enjoined) to love your buddy. Not only that; your buddy is better than a woman would be, because he, like you, is made in the image of God, and is not a mere pale reflection of a stronger light. The result (often enough) is that while you may value your wife or your sweetheart, it’s your male friends whom you love. This isn’t an uncommon pattern in Man-Land, but Evangelistan it’s ubiquitous. What surprises me isn’t that Evangelistan produces so many son-in-law mancrushes and beachfront Adonises beloved by pastors, but that we don’t hear one such story every other day (perhaps they’re underreported).

  • DoctorDJ

    Proof, once again, that every tweet or church sign generated by a fundy needs to be first passed by a bunch of teenagers.
    If they snicker and guffaw, don’t post it.

  • Erik1986

    I do believe she’s a couple of kings and queens late there, but it’s only history and who reads that?

  • Erik1986

    Vera Ellen was a hell of a dancer, but her Barbie doll waist and long, thin legs always both fascinated and repelled me. She looked borderline anorectic..You could count her spinal processes when she had a costume low cut in back.

  • Allison

    “Jesus comes first.”
    https://imgur.com/gallery/8aUKyQE

  • Years ago, the popular Delirious song that went, “I want to go deeper.”

  • Lark62

    The person sitting next to me on the train is wondering why I can’t stop laughing.

  • Yeah, added an unnecessary letter…

  • Raging Bee

    LOLWUT?!

  • Raging Bee

    Just a minor cock-up.

  • Raging Bee

    Yeah, ya never know what s/he had to wash off with it!

  • Raging Bee

    Yeah, you’re in the best position to top him from below, just like Saddam Hussein did in that “South Park” movie.

  • Raging Bee

    …then give said teenagers a sound thrashing for thinking naughty thoughts…oh wait, that’s why we can’t find teenagers to vet our signs…

  • Astrin Ymris

    How can you discuss religion without mentioning a key part of the CPM cosmology?

  • Mike Panic

    You can threaten castration but naughty schoolboy words are forbidden. Go figure.