Fear December 22, 2009

I log online to make our monthly payments toward debt in our online banking. I’m all set to go when I realize that the transaction we sent the week before is “pending”, our bank account for all practical purposes is empty. So much for that.

“What if the transaction doesn’t go through in time?! We don’t have any other money other than what is being held up in that stupid pending transaction, that means that the payment will be late. That means the interest rate will go up! Why did we ever get into that debt? Why did we ever take a job in Canada where we have to ship our money to a U.S bank to pay our U.S. debt? (Hence the need to wire money in the first place)”

Despite my hubby’s reassurance that the transaction will clear in time. I hold onto my bad mood and slam the dishes while making dinner, my whining and crying leads to both of us fighting, yelling and crying and my diatribe continues.

“Why did we move here? The cost of living is higher, the taxes are higher, we are constantly losing money in the exchange rate, and we don’t get all the perks of a Canadian citizen that would make the higher taxes worth it since we are on a visitors Visa and don’t qualify. Why does it seem like something comes up EVERY SINGLE MONTH that makes paying a good extra chunk of debt off impossible? I mean, who has to go to the dentist anyways, and why was I cursed with eyes that need glasses and shoes that fell apart? I swear I am a veritable financial sieve sometimes. Why couldn’t my husband have found someone who wasn’t falling apart and needy and using up so much of our hard earned money on stupid things like a pool pass to exercise? Why even try to stay in touch with family, they will probably forget that we exist way up here. We hardly ever get to see them, life goes on without us. We can’t even be there at important times like Christmas! Instead we have to be all alone for the most important times of our life”

Ms. Action watches the commotion and then gives me a hug “Are you sad mommy?” she says seeing my tears. “Are you sad?” Hubby replies “Yes, Mommy’s sad because she can’t be by her mommy and daddy”. Ms. Action contemplates this for moment and then gives me another hug “It’s OK mommy, its OK” and then jumps back with a smile “all better now?!”. I can’t help but laugh, she is so sweet. So confidant that a hug will fix it all.

After dinner we open the bible to where we’ve been reading in Luke.
Luke 12

“22 He said to (his) disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear.”

God? Um, yeah. I was worrying again.

“23 For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. 24 Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! 25 Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? 26 If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest?”

The smallest things God? You mean EVERYTHING is out of my control! Oh yeah, that was kind of the point of that passage wasn’t it.

“27 Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. 28 If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?”

Dang! How could I forget that again. I do have very little faith, Ouch.

“29 As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. 30 All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. 32 Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom.”

But I am afraid.

“33 Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. 34 For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.”

I have read the and heard the passage countless times. I even have it memorized. I couldn’t believe that was the passage that we were set to read that night. (My husband hadn’t just selected it, we had read the previous chapter the night before.)

God had pointed me in the right direction again. Last night I went to bed in peace. Why do I forget? Why do I worry about things that are out of my control? I know I am going to slip again, this is a battle I am fighting constantly. Why is it so hard to entrust it all to God even though you know YOU can’t do anything about it.

Oh, and this morning the transaction had cleared.

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