Quick Takes #27- Instructions for a crummy day

1.

Exhaustion. In order to have a truly horrific day, you must start with being tired. Try going to bed much to late the night before after watching a 3 hour movie. Or just having a unhappy baby waking up to nurse several times can suffice. Be sure to get up at the crack of dawn, no sleeping in to make up for a lack of sleep if you want to achieve crumminess.

2.

Lack of proper nutrition. Now that you are relatively awake, be sure that you don’t eat breakfast. Eggs sound nasty when you’ve just woken up, and it would waste far to much time to get all that stuff out and actually cook something. Tell yourself that you will eat later and then conveniently forget to eat anything but that handful of chocolate chips. It best if you avoid drinking water as well. Nothing contributes more to a crummy day then lightheadedness and a growling stomach. You may eat the leftovers off of the kids plates at lunch, but refrain from eating anything balanced lest you throw off your attempt to experience a bad day.

3.

High expectations. Now create a huge to-do list. After all, you should make up for your draggy morning. Be sure to add all sorts of unrealistic stuff like painting the house and washing, drying and folding 14 loads of laundry. This is also a great time to aspire to that detailed craft project you’ve been wanting to do with the kids. Be sure to add anything that will make you feel frustrated if you don’t achieve it.

Go it Alone. Insist on trying to accomplish everything on your list by yourself. Do not accept help from anyone, whether it is a well-meaning neighbor offering to babysit while you attempt to paint your house, or even your husband offering to bring home dinner. It is essential that you deny any and all need for help. You are perfectly capable of doing it all. Alone! Accepting help of any kind would be admitting defeat. After all, what kind of wife and mother would you be if you can’t complete your to-do list while watching the kids and still get a decent dinner on the table.

5.

Don’t communicate. Yell at your kids for getting in the way, a 2 year old should know better than to touch the laundry detergent. Yell at your husband when he gets home because if he can’t figure out exactly what you need without you saying a word than he deserves whats coming to him. Make sure that you don’t talk about anything that happened that day, no matter how awful. It’s best to remain in denial of everything if you truly want to experience a crummy day.

Criticize. Be sure to assume the worst. The kids are lining all the shoes up in the hallway just to get on your nerves. Your husband really is chewing with his mouth open because he knows it irritates you. If you had only had a better attitude and been more diligent that last hour before dinner you could have completed your to-do list. If you were more organized you would have known that you were out of pipe cleaners before you had cut up all those bits of paper and the kids had painted the table with glue. The failure of the day has to be simultaneously be all your fault and everyone elses fault in order for it to be a truly crummy day.

7.

The special extras. These things alone are more than enough to cause a crummy day, but if you want to make it even worse you could always add the inevitable disaster. A broken furnace, a bunch of toddler tantrums, a burned dinner, a poop incident of some kind, an overflowing wash machine or an exploding vacuum. The more disaster the better when you are shooting for a terrible day.

 

Congratulations on your attempt to achieve a crummy day and good luck implementing it!