I’ve read a few different things lately on the topic of thirsting for God. One woman asked herself if she truly thirsted for God, or if she was finding herself pretty happy without Him, bored with what He had to offer. Another asked if we tend to fill up on other things instead God, do we really allow Him to quench our thirst.
It’s an interesting question for me, because I feel as though I do thirst for God. I feel dry, parched. Like I’ve been away from God for a long long time. I do long for God. I long to discover a different God then the fundamentalist, angry, God. Growing up I never felt as though I was enough for my parents. And now I still find myself struggling to feel good enough for God. I do not feel as though God could care for me, be concerned for me, love me. I know God’s love is supposed to be unconditional, I just haven’t experienced it that way. The closest I have ever come to experiencing unconditional love, is the love from my husband.
I have gone through fazes of not talking to God, and not reading my bible, But lately I’ve been making an effort again. As the minister’s wife I go to church twice a week and bible study mid-week. I read a few verses of my bible almost daily. I pray. I read up on God because I want to find out more about Him. I don’t think I am bored with what God has to offer, more like confused, and maybe afraid.
For every wonderful new discovery of bible verses that talk about the depths of God’s love, there seems to be another verse laughing at me, taunting me with God’s hatred. For every amazing section of the catechism that seems to rip the scales from my eyes, there are overwhelmingly cold statements that crush hope.