I want to be an Atheist. Except…

I am not a good christian. I have doubts. I don’t read much of my bible. I dread going to church. I rarely pray anymore.

I do know that lately God feels like just one more performance-oriented person that I can never please. And yes, I heard that God is supposed to love me just the way I am, and nothing I do can make him love me less. But that is not the case with Christians, it seems like all of them “know” that they have figured out what God wants, and they are determined or at least “pushed by their conscience” to confront people in the areas that their lives don’t match up to “what God wants.” People who don’t live up to the standards are not “like-minded” and a “bad influence”. It’s open season on non-Christians, or even “bad Christians”.

I just don’t want to be that person. Honestly, I would rather have my kid marry a decent person who is an atheist, than a fundamentalist christian. And I don’t want to live in terror of the day that my child makes a choice that might go against “what God wants” and I have to fear for their salvation.

I don’t want to act as if I am closer to God than other people are, simply because I don’t struggle with their temptations. I want to stop having to notice peoples ability to perform to the correct religious standards and learn to just be able to love them where they are at for who they are, no strings attached.

If my child is gay I cannot shun them and refuse to be a part of their life in the name of “not condoning their sin”, and I can’t understand why God would want that. I’m tired of people trying to tell me what it means to really search for God with an open heart. And I don’t want to have to teach my kids that God “loves” them, but will only accept them if they behave a certain way.

I don’t want to care anymore.

I want to be an Atheist.

Except…

…when I wake up in the middle of the night and think about being unable to prevent evil things from happening to my children. Despite my best efforts, evil exists. My children could still be sexually abused no matter how much I educate them. My child could still end up on the abducted children list no matter how much I love them. My child could still grow up to marry someone who is abusive and harmful to them no matter how much I try to give them a healthy love of self.

At those times, worrying in the dark, it would be nice to be able to hope that there could be something bigger, something outside of just me and my efforts. A being that could be there to love my child no matter what they went through, and someday herald the end of evil.

I want to be an Atheist.

Except…
…when I think of the babies I’ve lost. No matter how much I feel that their little lives matter to me, I want to be able to think that they are still alive somewhere and I may meet them again someday. I want to believe that their short lives on earth were not for nothing, that there is someone else to loves them as much as I do and can give them the care that I never had the opportunity to give them in this life.

I want to be an Atheist.

Except…

…when I can’t figure out what makes human life matter without a God. And I still want life to matter, even when that person is mentally or physically disabled. Even when that person is not born yet. Even when that person is old and losing their abilities. What is it that makes human life valuable regardless of ability, intelligence or looks, if there is no God?

I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t know if I will end up active in a faith community at some point in the future. But right now I can’t really think about following God or be with the people that talk about following God without feeling heavy, alone, depressed.