50 Shades of Shame: “The Rules” of Modesty

When “Jesus” says the length of your skirt is a measure of your heart, body shame is unavoidable.

Where there is unavoidable body shame, you’ll find rampant sexual shame.

Where you find rampant sexual shame, you find women who think abuse is okay.

That pisses me off.

Kate Schell’s blog post Immodest Proposals: The Rules so perfectly encapsulates the confusing, shame-inducing world of religious modesty that I asked her permission to repost it here:

If you didn’t grow up in an evangelical context, a homeschool community, or a Red State, you may not understand what the big deal is with modesty. American society oversexualizes girls from a young age, teaching them to find value solely in beauty and to dress to please men. Isn’t it refreshing and good to give girls an alternative? Every teenage girl has run-ins with her mom about whether that one skirt is too short, sure, but that passing angst doesn’t mean the whole system is problematic.

That’s a nice vision of modesty, but it’s not the one I grew up with. It’s not the one the Christian advice books and alternative clothing industries are selling.

So before I say anything, let me share some of the modesty rules young girls and adolescents are taught to follow (and enforce on each other):

• Shorts must be longer than your fingertips.
• Actually, shorts must reach your knees.
• Actually, go for capris.
• Actually, go for full-length pants. Not too tight, though.
• Trousers are preferable to jeans. Denim is worldly and a result of the sexual revolution. (Unless it’s a jean skirt. Those are okay, and proof that you can be modest and fashionable!)
• Actually, wear skirts instead of pants, because they disguise your leg shape and convey your femininity in a society where gender roles are confused and people can’t tell the difference between men and women, much less the sheep and the goats; like the nation of Israel of old, we are a sanctified people and our wardrobes must reflect this spiritual and cultural separation.
• Skirts shouldn’t be form-fitting or made of a clingy fabric.
• Skirts shouldn’t be frumpy, because God created women to be beautiful.
• Tight enough to show you’re a woman, loose enough to show you’re a lady.
• No slits. If you can’t find a skirt without a slit, add a kick-pleat, slip, or underskirt.
• Skirts must be longer than your fingertips.
• Actually, skirts must reach your knees.
• Actually, skirts must reach your calves.
• Actually, skirts must reach your ankles.
• Wear socks or leggings under your skirt to make sure all your skin is covered, especially if you are going to bend over, jog about, or climb stairs.
• Make sure your tights or leggings aren’t patterned or colorful, because that will draw attention to your gams, and gams make your brothers-in-Christ stumble.
• Actually, don’t wear leggings at all, because they are too tight.
• Same with yoga pants.
• And skinny jeans.
• Don’t wear pajamas publicly, because boys will imagine you in bed, then having sex with you in your bed.
• Don’t stretch your body, because boys will imagine you moving your body in other ways.
• Don’t run when males are around, because your breasts might bounce.
• Don’t hug males, because boobs.
• Side-hug!
• Actually, handshake.
• Distant wave. From your gender-specific sidewalk.
• Don’t wear a bikini.
• Don’t wear a tankini.
• Don’t wear a one piece with cutouts or thin straps or any ornamentation around your, um, danger zones.
• Don’t wear a one-piece without shorts.
• Don’t wear a one-piece without shorts and a T-shirt.
• You may wear a one-piece without shorts or a T-shirt if it is retro. There was no lust in the ’50s.
• Actually, just don’t swim when males are present.
• Don’t have wet hair publicly, because boys will imagine you in the shower, then having sex with you in the shower, and then they’ll probably stop going to church, deny God, and become terrorists or Democrats.
• Keep your hair curled, because feminine.
• Keep your hair braided, because then you aren’t flaunting it vainly or sharing its beauty with men who aren’t your husband.
• Actually, don’t have hair braided, because there’s a verse that says that somewhere.
• Don’t have short hair, because its length is your glory and because our society is gender-confused and you must be so feminine that people ask you why so you can share the gospel of proper gender roles with them and they shall be saved.
• You know what? Just keep your hair covered.
• Do not wear clothing with ornamentation, wording, or a pattern that highlights your bits or curves.
• If your dress or shirt is sleeveless or has spaghetti straps, wear it with a cardigan or shawl. Shoulders are sexual.
• In the hottest of climates, you may wear a tank-top if its straps are at least three finger-widths wide.
• If you wear a tank-top, you must pin your undershirt or bra straps so they do not show. If boys see straps, they will imagine you in your bra, and then not in your bra, and then they will spontaneously combust from lust.
• If your neckline is too low-cut, wear a tank-top or T-shirt underneath it. Breasts, clavicles, and necks are sexual.
• Regardless of breast size, always wear an undershirt with V-necks, because when you bend over, males might see cleavage or the top of your bra. Even if you are prepubescent, males might be turned on by the idea of future cleavage.
• Actually, just don’t wear V-necks. They literally point toward your chest.
• Low-cut back-lines are a no-no, too. Upper backs are sexual.
• Lace and silk are lovely, classy fabric choices.
• Actually, be careful about lace and silk. They are reminiscent of unmentionables.
• See-through fabric is also reminiscent of unmentionables, even if your undershirt covers everything.
• Flip-flops are unisex. Avoid them except for the shower or perhaps the beach.
• Wear jewelry: bracelets, necklaces, rings… so feminine!
• Don’t wear too much jewelry, though. It becomes a symbol of your vanity.
• Actually, don’t wear any jewelry. God likes his women plain. It reflects a focus on the spiritual hereafter, not this material present.
• Ear-piercing is reminiscent of ancient Mesopotamian heathens.
• Oh don’t be silly! You can wear simple, ladylike earrings.
• But not any other piercings.
• Or tattoos. Those hurt your testimony.
• Unless they are mother-daughter tattoos when the mother or daughter is dying. Then it is brave and a sweet symbol of traditional family values.
• Wear a little makeup to highlight your God-given beauty.
• But don’t wear too much makeup.
• Actually, don’t wear any makeup, because it is secular and draws attention to you instead of Christ and it distorts the face you were created with, and who are you to question God’s creativity?
• Be pretty, but not too pretty.
• Dress attractively, but not to attract.
• Be confident, but not sexy.
• Be feminine in a specifically white, thin, Western, Victorian- or 1950s-inspired sort of way.
• Treat your body like a temple, but don’t show it.
• If your body shows, men will lust.
• If your body shows, you disobey God and disrespect other people.
• If your body shows, men might not be able to control themselves.
• If your body shows, you get what you deserve.
• Let your inner beauty shine.

If you found this list offensive, well, that’s the point. I find it offensive too — not because it’s a little snarky, but because it’s true. It’s real. It’s happening. It’s taught to girls every day on websites, at seminars, in Sunday school, at camps and retreats and conventions, in purity and dating books, in teen magazines, on blogs, in homes.

Try wading through all that when you’re nine, or fifteen, and already uncomfortable in your body, already fighting the beauty rules from Barbie and Cosmo. Try wading through all that when you’re told your virtue, your value, your spiritual maturity, your safety, God’s view of you, and the collective sin of men is on the line if you mess up.

And just when you think you have it figured out? Someone changes the rules again.

In another excellent post from her Immodest Proposal series, Learning Shame, Kate concludes:

“If modesty taught me anything, it was the shame of being a woman.”

Friends, our girls deserve better than 50 Shades of Shame.

[Thank you to Kate for exploring these issues! You will find the rest of the Immodest Proposal series on Kate’s  blog.]

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