This is a question a reader asked. I’m happy to offer my thoughts. It’s a question of ethics as well as of psychology and here I treat it as that rather than of psychology. I held an endowed chair in Christian ethics at a major Christian research university. Here I will only address the question for Christians.
This question is personal to me. The last thing my father said to me was “If you tell anyone what you know about me, that will ruin many lives and that will be your fault and not mine.” After that I cut off all contact with him.
The story is long and very complicated and I won’t share it here. Suffice it to say that I was trying my best, under the guidance of a Christian counselor, to help my father see the error of his ways and change course. He had become resistant and verbally and emotionally abusive.
This issue of deciding to go “no contact” with a parent or parents is much discussed on Youtube and, I assume Tik Tok and other social media outlets. They say many Gen Z young adults are deciding to do it. Is a Christian ever justified in doing it? That’s an ethical issue for Christians because the Bible says to honor father and mother.
I believe there are situations and times when cutting off all contact with a parent or parents is necessary even for a Christian.
First, any Christian who is considering this should first enter into therapy with a Christian psychologist or counselor. Before I begin my attempts to help my father see the very serious errors of his ways (“intervention”) I sought and gained help from a well-known Christian counselor. Then I entered therapy with a Christian psychologist who walked with me through the years-long process.
Second, any Christian considering going “no contact” with a parent or parents should examine himself or herself carefully. What has led to this decision and why? What role does he or she have in the broken relationship? Has he or she done his or her best to reconcile and restore the relationship? Is going “no contact” an easy way out of a tense relationship or would it be a last ditch effort to save his or her own sanity?
Third, what did the parent or parents do that justifies this “end game” decision to break off all contact? Or what is the parent’s or are the parents’ behaviors that are so toxic there is nothing to do but, in effect, divorce from them? Write it all down. Read it back. Consider it carefully. Don’t jump into “no contact” out of spite or anger or bitterness. Only do it if the relationship is so toxic that to attempt to stay in it would seriously hinder ability to live a healthy life.
Fourth, pray about it. Spend at least a month wrestling with God and listening to God’s Spirit. Ask for a clear sense of direction if not a sign.
Fifth, finally, ask the parent or parents to go to counseling with you. Tell him or her that you will go together to a neutral counselor, someone no friends with either him/her/them or you. That could be a pastor of the shared denomination, an acquaintance but not your pastor or his/hers/theirs. If he/she/they refuse, that is a sign that going no contact with him/her/them may be justified.
This is or should be for any Christian a very serious decision. It will have consequences. Think of other family members. Only break off the contact when all else fails and you see no other way to move on in life without the anxiety, depression, inner turmoil the relationship causes.
All of the above speaks to a situation that does not include violence, threats of violence, abuse, or parental attempts to harm your reputation simply because you have raised questions about their behavior. There are some extreme situations in which jumping to “no contact” is justified. Again, however, I strongly suggest that happen only with the guidance and help of a wise counselor.
After, if not before, the “no contact” decision, the Christian should go through a process of grieving the loss of the parental relationship that includes painful forgiveness. Again, good pastoral counseling helps in many cases. Avoid any counselor, pastor or otherwise, whose answer is simply “forgive and forget.” Forgiving a terrible betrayal is not that easy for any human. Forgetting may be impossible.
What about leaving the “door” open to reconciliation? That’s another question and I can’t answer it here. What I am addressing here is the situation in which a Christian feels he or she must close the door permanently to the relationship.
*Note: If you choose to comment, make sure your comment is relatively brief (no more than 100 words), on topic, addressed to me, civil and respectful (not hostile or argumentative), and devoid of pictures or links.*
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