The Not So Excellent Wife
If a wife discovers her husband has been secretly viewing porn, feeling “violated and disappointed” are understatements.
What if you discover your husband is viewing porn?
Trust takes a huge hit. And intimacy suffers.
During an episode of a popular show on NBC, one of the main characters suspects her fiancé is viewing pornography.
She’s not upset. She laughs.
In that 10-second scene, NBC normalizes porn in relationships.
If a character on a popular TV show laughs when she thinks her fiancé is viewing porn, why can’t you?
If you discovery your husband is viewing porn, contrary to what NBC says, it’s not funny and it’s not okay.
Porn is a huge industry and a huge problem.
Seventy percent of Christian men view porn.
Other than the people raking in millions in the porn industry, not many have positive things to say about it.
It does not enhance intimacy. It damages it.
It’s an unhealthy way to satisfy a natural desire.
There’s nothing “okay” about it.
If your husband is viewing porn, it has nothing to do with you and don’t let anyone tell you that it does.
If he views porn, it’s about him. Men view porn for a variety of reasons. And you’re not the cause of any of them.
But if you discover your husband has been secretly viewing pornography, you might feel unattractive and violated. You instantly feel distanced from him, not closer.
And you almost certainly won’t laugh.
7 more reasons wives shouldn’t be okay with porn
1. Porn gives your husband a distorted view of what he should consider attractive.
Porn makes sex about the body and not about the relationship. If your body changes, your husband may have a difficult time getting aroused.
2. Porn affects arousal in your husband affecting sex in your marriage.
In one of the most comprehensive studies on porn consumption ever conducted, researchers found that after being exposed to porn both men and women were significantly less happy with their partner’s looks, sexual performance, and willingness to try new sex acts.
3. Porn creates unrealistic expectations.
People think, “Your husband knows porn is fake.” Reality says he may be wishing you could do some of the things he’s sees on screen because that’s what “hot” sex looks like.
4. Porn can lead your husband to seek sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.
He may become dissatisfied with watching porn and want to participate instead of viewing, which could lead to engagement with prostitutes.
5. Porn makes sex with you seem boring.
And why wouldn’t it? Chances are you don’t have a 24 inch waist and perfectly shaped Double D’s. Women in pornographic films haven’t had three children. They don’t have stretch marks or love handles. Unlike real women, porn stars are always revved up and ready to go. They’re never tired and they’re always ready to try something exciting and new.
6. Porn reduces your husband’s sex drive.
Men are visual. After watching porn, he may no longer have a desire to satisfy you sexually. It might be too much work. When watching porn, he’s not concerned with satisfying you. It’s not about a mutually satisfying relationship, which may reduce his sex drive because sex with you is too much work.
7. Porn may be a sign of a deeper issue.
Porn is an addictive behavior. Sometimes stress or deep emotional issues can lead a man to view porn. His desire to view porn may have little or nothing to do with you. As disappointing as it is, try not to take it personally. Your self-esteem is not tied to your husband’s addiction.
If you suspect your husband is viewing porn, it’s okay to be mad.
Don’t ignore it. Talk to him.
As hurtful as it is, be careful not to sound like you’re accusing or shaming him.
Chances are, he already feels awful about it.
Encourage him to seek help, either from a pastor, counselor or a like-minded group of men.
Let him know you love him, support him and you want to help him.
As traumatic as this can be, tough issues can lead to greater trust and deeper love.
Need skills to build intimacy?
- Get on the waitlist for my next group coaching session–Change Your Mind; Change Your Marriage.
- Visit my website, like my Facebook page and join my private Facebook group.
- Check out my FREE resources and download “How to Be A Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave” Challenge!
- Apply for private coaching with Sheila.
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Also known as the Not So Excellent Wife, Sheila Qualls understands how tiring a tough marriage can be.
She went from the brink of divorce to having a thriving marriage by translating timeless truths into practical skills. She’s helped women just like you turn their men into the husbands they want.
After 33 years of marriage, she’s a coach and a speaker whose passion is to equip women to break relationship-stifling habits and do marriage God’s way. And you don’t have to be a doormat to do it.
She and her husband Kendall live in Minnesota with their five children and their Black Lab, Largo.
In addition to coaching, Sheila is a member of the MOPS Speaker Network. Her work has been featured on the MOPS Blog, The Upper Room, Grown and Flown, Scary Mommy, Beliefnet, Candidly Christian, Crosswalk.com, The Mighty and on various other sites on the Internet.
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