You’re not the only one who feels insecure sometimes. Everyone does.
Insecurity and self-doubt can affect your marriage. A lack of confidence brings on a set of problems all its own in marriage. It affects emotional intimacy and will contribute to pushing your husband away.
It may appear as if marriage brings out insecurity or self-doubt.
Does he make you feel bad?
I thought my husband had this uncanny ability to make me feel bad about myself. It seemed like he was the root of the problem.
Often I interpreted his looks and comments as negative when he didn’t mean them that way at all.
If he complimented me, I doubted he meant it.
I constantly questioned: Does he find me attractive? Am I a good enough wife? Is he unhappy with the extra pounds I’ve put on?
I thought my insecurity or self-doubt came from things he said or did.
The less secure I felt, the more problems we had in our marriage.
Sometimes those feelings of insecurity or doubt come from a messed up childhood or other negative experiences in life.
Marriage doesn’t bring them out. They’re already there.
Perhaps you know what I’m talking about.
Do you ever feel like you’re not enough, wish you could disappear or fantasize about who you want to be?
Wishing you were self-assured and confident won’t work.
It just zaps your energy instead.
Insecurity is an old trap. Sometimes it feels like:
- I’m not good enough
- I’ll never measure up
- Everyone else seems to have it all together
- Something’s wrong with me
- There’s no hope for me
No matter what happened in your past, you can become more confident and self-assured.
Here are five steps to start increasing your confidence in your marriage:
- Get connected with your spiritual side. Sometimes we don’t realize this is missing in our lives. Shoring up your relationship with God changes your perspective about yourself. Suddenly you go from seeing yourself as a “loser” to a woman loved by God. Your attitude changes from “loser” to what do you have to lose?
- Do things that make you happy. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of marriage, we get caught up in taking care of everyone else. We forget we have needs, too. We lose ourselves in others and start thinking our happiness comes from making them happy. While it’s true doing for others does bring joy, sometimes we need to do for ourselves. Make it a habit to do things that make you happy each day. When you do things that make you happy, you’re sending yourself a message, “I’m worth it. I matter.”
- Know when to say no. I’ve had to learn my limits. I’ve learned when doing one more thing will push me over the edge. Too many times we don’t want to say no because we’re afraid of what others will think of us, even though we know saying “yes” may overwhelm or stress us or even make us feel used. Saying no preserves your sanity. You will be a much happier and confident person when you learn to say “no.”
- Accept help. Being self sufficient is great but not necessary all the time. Allow others to help you instead of feeling like help makes you look weak. Accepting help doesn’t make you look weak. It actually makes you look valued. Someone valued you enough to want to make your life a little easier by helping you.
- Fake it til you make it. Pretend you are confident. It may feel weird at first, but that’s okay. It’s even normal. That’s why it’s called “fake it til you make it.” Act like the confident person you want to be. Pretending to be confident will embolden you. Believe it or not, pretending to be confident will make you confident.
- Choose to believe the best. When someone says something nice about you, choose to believe it. Too many times we doubt compliments instead of taking them to heart.
Increasing your confidence will improve intimacy in your marriage. Your husband isn’t causing you to feel insecure and doubtful. He most likely loves you and wants to make you happy. Instead of seeing your husband as the root of the problem, start to see him as part of the solution instead.
Need skills to build intimacy?
- Get on the waitlist for my next group coaching session–Change Your Mind; Change Your Marriage.
- Visit my website, like my Facebook page and join my private Facebook group.
- Check out my FREE resources and download “How to Be A Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave” Challenge!
- Apply for private coaching with Sheila.
Also known as the Not So Excellent Wife, Sheila Qualls understands how tiring a tough marriage can be.
She went from the brink of divorce to having a thriving marriage by translating timeless truths into practical skills. She’s helped women just like you turn their men into the husbands they want.
She and her husband Kendall live in Minnesota with their five children and their Black Lab, Largo.
In addition to coaching, Sheila is a member of the MOPS Speaker Network. Her work has been featured on the MOPS Blog, The Upper Room, Grown and Flown, Scary Mommy, Beliefnet, Candidly Christian, Crosswalk.com, The Mighty and on various other sites on the Internet.