Jenny, 42, and Sam, 43, sit on the couch in my office and discuss their disputes about their two young children, chores, and finances. Sam says, “It seems like I can never do enough to please Jenny. She wants me to do more chores, make more money, and buy her a bigger house. Meanwhile, she took five years off from teaching to have our kids and our income was cut in half. I am glad she’s been able to raise... Read more
Every relationship has its inevitable difficulties, and conflict goes with the territory. Sometimes remarried couples avoid conflict because it signified the end of their first marriage, or led to bitter disputes that never got resolved. Avoiding conflict backfires in intimate relationships. Bottling up negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t give your partner a chance to change their behavior. However, one of the secrets of a good second marriage is learning to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and... Read more
Learning how to give and accept apologies are essential ingredients of a strong, healthy marriage. Accepting that you and your mate do the best you can will help you be more understanding. However, this does not mean you condone his or her hurtful actions. You simply come to a more compassionate and realistic view of your spouse, let go of resentment, and experience a more harmonious life. Practicing forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical and emotional well-being.... Read more
When Maria, forty-eight, and Ethan, forty-nine, sat on the couch in my counseling office, they spoke about the stress that they experience when discussing money-related issues. Since Maria was laid off from her job, six months ago, they’re having more difficulty paying for their mortgage, household expenses, and both essential and discretionary items for themselves and their two daughters, ages eight and ten. Maria laments, “I’ve been searching for jobs but have not not been able to land one... Read more
Allyssa, 42, and John, 43, sat on the couch in my office for their first couples counseling session and spoke about how frequently they trigger each other. When this happens, it usually sets the stage for arguments where they say hurtful things to one another. These disagreements can lead to tension and emotional distance that lasts for several hours, or even a couple of days. Allyssa out it like this. “I love John but sometimes my mind spins out of... Read more
It may seem odd that I feel compelled to write about what I owe my kids because they’ve endured my divorce. Yet as an adult child of divorced parents and a mom who has been divorced, it’s my belief that children of divorce are entitled to certain rights. That’s not to say that children raised in intact families don’t have rights – it’s just that children of divorce deserve special consideration. Distinguished divorce researcher Elizabeth Marquardt adds her perspective on... Read more
While it’s tempting to launch into expressing anger and to get into the attack mode when you feel hurt or frustrated, it can alienate your partner and drive a wedge between you. That said, you’ll accomplish more and improve your communication if you tell your partner what you need in a positive way. For instance, if Joshua says to Bella “I would appreciate it if you’d tell me about your plans with your family,” this “I” statement would be more... Read more
Dear Terry, I’ve been married once, and it wasn’t even quite a full year of marriage. But my ex ended up not being faithful so we ended things. It was at a very young age (21) and now I’m somewhat older (28). From reading some articles it says that trust is one issue that can be hidden and surface later on when we get into an intimate relationship. Now I’m in a committed relationship with a wonderful man named Brad... Read more
In an April article for The Gottman Institute’s blog, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart offers readers advice on how to disrupt the negative patterns so many of easily fall into. Approaching the subject from a psychological perspective, she analyzes the ways in which we learn — that is to say the ways in which we are conditioned to fall into transgressive cyclical behaviors that reinforce themselves over time. Dr. Lockhart’s essential belief is that negative learned behaviors are just as easy to... Read more
During tough conversations, it’s helpful to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones. Many experts agree that bickering can lead to the demise of a relationship. It’s like chronic warfare that erodes the quality of a relationship and makes it tough to discuss difficult topics. When dealing with differences with your partner, the key is to listen attentively, understand each other’s perspective, reign in defensiveness, and stop criticizing and blaming each other. For instance, Jackson... Read more
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