There are a lot of feelings and emotions that come with divorce – anger, betrayal, despair, guilt, rejection, uselessness, fear, elation – and they all go with the territory. You may feel confused as you establish your new identity and move on to develop new relationships. It’s normal to desire new intimate partners and to experiment with dating – but be prepared to feel mistrustful and insecure at times.
The experience of going through a divorce can change your perceptions; and can alter your feelings about relationships and expectations for your future. No one gets married with the intention of getting a divorce so you might find yourself ruminating about what went wrong. Now in the midst of a breakup, your brain is being rewired and reconnecting with the world in new ways. How you choose to do this is up to you. It’s an exciting time with all sorts of possibilities.
Dating expert Sandy Weiner advises: “It can be very challenging to date after your divorce. There are many potential obstacles to overcome, such as learning to trust, feeling good about yourself if you’ve been in a degrading relationship, and balancing work, kids, parents, and your own self-care. It’s a complex process and it takes time to heal after divorce.” It makes sense that experiencing the breakup of your marriage can intensify trust issues.
Learning to trust yourself and developing self-love is an inner journey which involves examining your past from a fresh perspective. If you can’t believe you are good enough, how can you believe a new partner would choose you? Take the time to examine how your relationships have played themselves out, and lessons you have learned from the experience. Try not to wallow in self-pity for too long. Sure, go ahead and wallow for a few weeks, but then try your best to reclaim your life. Joke. Laugh. Regaining your sense of humor can help you accept yourself and to transform your life after divorce.
Here are 6 steps to transforming your life after divorce:
- Examine your divorce experience and self-defeating messages derived from it. Develop a mindset that relationships are our teachers. Divorce can be viewed as a catalyst for personal growth. Counseling, blogging, and reading can aid you in this process.
- Develop a healthy response to mistakes and failing. Practice forgiving yourself and your ex for your divorce. If genuine forgiveness isn’t possible, practice acceptance.
- Don’t play the role of victim and begin to make decisions that reflect your strength as a person. Give yourself permission to “think big” and want more.
- Practice self-compassion as you explore new relationships carefully. You don’t have to pick your next partner on the first date, so take things slowly. Have fun and approach dating as a learning experience.
- Don’t talk about your ex with strangers or with new dates. This is a huge red flag that someone is not ready for a new partner and will turn off new possibilities.
- Shed toxic relationships and develop healthy ones. Surround yourself with people who support your journey and can allow you to build self-worth. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
First, you must examine your past and shed toxic self-defeating messages before you can heal and feel good about yourself. You don’t have to let the pain you’ve suffered in the past carry over to current relationships. Try not to wallow in self-pity for too long. Sure, go ahead and wallow for a few weeks, but then try your best to reclaim your life. Joke. Laugh. Regaining your sense of humor can help you accept yourself and to transform your life after divorce.
Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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